Breathe no more
by Tacroy
Summary: A mission went wrong. Jack got shot and ended up somewhere he does not want to be. People say that he's crazy; Ianto's slipping away from him. And no one believes him. But is Jack right? Or is everyone else? AU
1. Chapter 1

**AN: First of all, I don't own anything. If I did some of the characters would still be alive and I would be rich. And since neither is the case, Ergo: I don't own a thing. And if there's anything remotly recembleing anything else, it belongs to them. All I take credit for is the fantasy needed to write this story.**

**A huge thanks to my beta TheWeddingFairy.  
**

* * *

The clouds were gathering across the grey sky. Rain was threatening to break through any minute. The wind was increasing. And the big empty building looked less than inviting.

The black SUV pulled up next to a broken entrance. And out of the car three people with guns drawn jumped out and headed to the abandoned factory.

"Okay," Jack began. "We have three floors to go through, and somewhere that pink alien is hiding. Ianto, you take the basement. Gwen, you take the entrance. I'll take the top one."

Ianto and Gwen nodded.

They all entered through the door, but before they split up, Jack had one last thing to say:

"Keep in touch. We don't know what it is or if it's dangerous. So keep your guns held high and ready."

One more nod and they all went their separate ways.

Jack soon found the stairs leading to the top floor. As he ran up them, he contacted Tosh who was staying in the hub.

"Tell me it's still here."

"You're in the same building. I don't know where it is. There's no cameras inside. But I do know that it hasn't left the building."

"That's good news, so keep your eyes on the surroundings. And tell me straight away if anything leaves."

"Will do."

As Jack entered the top floor he could hear the rain beginning to tap on the metal roof. The sound echoed through the empty hallways.

He carefully walked through the long corridor in front of him. Closed and locked doors on both sides of him. His steps clicked on the metal floor. His heart was beating hard and fast. Adrenaline running through his veins. The thrill of the chase getting to him.

He could see the end of the corridor getting closer. And at the end he could see it open up in to a big empty hall. He lifted his gun. Footsteps in front of him made him speed up. The steps were running away from him. Trying to hide, Jack went faster. The end of the corridor getting closer.

As he entered the big hall he got blinded by the sudden flash of a lightning bolt outside. Then he could see something. A shadow trying to hide behind one of the columns holding the ceiling up. And he could see something pink quickly being drawn out of sight.

He put his hand to his comm.

"Ianto. Gwen. I've found it. Get up the stairs and run through the corridor. I'm at the end."

"Copy that," Ianto answered quickly and Jack could hear him starting to run.

"Copy," Gwen soon said. "I'll just have to find out where…er…I think…I…umm…where's… oh…ouch…bloody fucking…I'm so going to…"

"Gwen, turn your comm. off. You're distracting me."

"Sorry Jack. I just…"

Jack turned off his own comm. and sighed before getting his attention back to the thing behind the column.

"You there," he half shouted. "Come out with your hands up. We do not want to harm you, we just want to help you."

The sounds he got in reply was something he had never heard before. It sounded like a cat trying to imitate a seagull with a sore throat.

Jack could hear footsteps approaching quickly from behind. From the sound of them it was Ianto.

And apparently the thing had also heard Ianto coming. It gave away a loud scream as it came out of hiding with a gun in its hands. Jack was not prepared that it would be armed and hesitated a second to long. He heard Ianto scream for him to take cover. And at that same moment he could hear the thing firing its gun. A flash of green hit him straight in the chest, his own gun falling from his hands. His knees giving away under him. He fell to the floor. A shot rang out from Ianto's gun. A slashing sound from the column. His body hit the floor. His head slamming down hard. The world around him was getting dark. His vision smaller. He could feel Ianto falling down on his knees beside him. From far away he could hear Ianto call his name. It was all dark, like he was dying again.

And then he felt a sharp pain. He tried to scream. Every nerve in his body was hurting. Green flashes in the dark. More pain. His scream echoed in his head, not reaching his lips. Ianto's voice faded away. Someone else's was there. Calling his name. The pain was still there, making his body twitch. The green was fading and white took its place.

The unknown voice still calling his name. Calm. Trying to calm him down.

Jack opened his eyes. He was lying on a soft white floor. Everything around him was white. He tried to focus and saw a face in front of him. It smiled at him, saying his name again.

"Are you okay?"

Jack blinked a few times. He'd never seen this face before in his life. It was a woman; dusty hair and green eyes. She was also dressed in white.

"Who are you?" Jack asked as he tried to back away.

"Who do you think I am?" she asked with the same calm voice.

Jack felt his chest tighten. He found it hard to breath.

"Who are you? Where am I?"

The woman looked at him and he could see some sorrow in her eyes.

"I'm doctor Jane Brody."

"I don't know who you are. Where's Ianto? What have you done to him? Why am I here? Where's the factory?"

He backed away, hitting the soft wall behind him. He reached for his comm, but found nothing. He began to hyperventilate. Panic filled him.

The woman came up to him with a needle in her hand. Jack tried to back away. Tried to move out of the way. But he had nowhere to go.

"If you don't calm down I have to sedate you Jack. And we don't want that, now do we?"

He looked at her. She was still calm. He wanted to calm down. But he couldn't breathe. He was beginning to feel weak. Vision fading again.

"Where am I?"

"Cardiff Safe Haven Mental Institution," the woman said. "Just like you have been for the last ten months."

And Jack's world became dark once more.

* * *

**AN: Good? Bad? Want me to continue? Let me know**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Looking...Nope, I still don't own a thing. Just so you know.**

**And thanks to all of you reviewed the last chapter. I hope that you'll enjoy this one too. And thanks to all of you silent stalkers that put this story on alert. It's for all of you that I write.  
And thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta.**

**Love all of you.  
**

* * *

Doctor Jane Brody sat by her desk up in her office. In front of her lay the file of Jack Harkness. She had been his doctor since he first got to Safe Haven ten moths ago. Brought in by his boyfriend who was worried about his wellbeing. And Jane had soon been able to give him the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. Many different drugs and sessions later she had thought that he was getting better. But his actions tonight told her otherwise. And she knew what she had to do. She picked up her phone, looked in the files again and dialled a number.

After three signals someone answered on the other end.

"_Hello?_"

"Mr Jones?"

"_Yes. Who's this?_"

"Doctor Jane Brody from Safe Haven."

"_Oh, hello doctor. I didn't recognize the number_."

"We need to talk."

"_What's happened? Is Jack okay?"_

Jane sighed. She didn't know how to say it in a non-hurtful way.

"Am I right in assuming that you will come to visit tomorrow?"

"_Yes. It's Thursday. I always come on Thursdays. But what's wrong with Jack?"_

"I'm sorry to say, but it seems that he's gotten worse again."

She could hear how the man at the other end drew in his breath and she could almost hear a sob.

"Mr Jones? Are you alright?"

"_How bad is it?"_

"I don't know, but we have to assume the worst."

"_Has he…has he been asking for me?"_

"Yes, he has. I just don't know who he thinks you are. So when you come here tomorrow you have to be prepared that he thinks of you as the archivist and tea-boy again."

"_Okay_."

The defeat in his voice was so noticeable that Jane felt bad for the man.

"I just wanted to let you know."

"_I'm glad you did. Thank you for calling. See you tomorrow."_

"Okay. Take care Mr Jones."

She got some mumble in response before the line was cut off.

With a sigh she put the phone down again. This was the part of the job she didn't like. But she knew that he had the right to know since he was Jack's legal guardian.

* * *

Jack became aware of his surroundings. Faint footsteps made their way to his ears. He wasn't used to hearing footsteps when he woke up. I was usually just him, and no one else around. Or sometimes Ianto was there with him. But then there was always the smell of coffee. Now there were no smells at all.

He tried to move. All his body ached. He felt like he had been run over one to many times. The mattress under him felt wrong. Not like the one in his bed, nor like the one in Ianto's bed.

He opened his eyes and was almost blinded by the white around him. White floor, white door, white walls. He looked down on himself and saw a white t-shirt and white sweatpants. His gaze followed the walls up to the white ceiling. High up above him there were four small flickering lights hanging and spreading a faint light in the room. From a small window by the roof he could see the pink sky and he knew that the sun was rising.

He tried to get up, but his arms were too weak to hold his body. So he collapsed again. And then he saw that he was lying on the floor. Not in a bed that he first thought. But the floor was made of a white mattress, and so were the walls.

He didn't know where he was. Never in his life had he seen a place like this. Not for real anyway. He felt his heart began to race again and panic drawing closer to the surface. But not this time. He started to quietly tell himself to breathe. Slowly. In and out. In and out. In and out. His heart slowed down. In and out. In and out. He had to think this through. What had happened before he passed out? He remembered the pink alien. And the green flash that hit him. And he knew that Ianto hade come up to him before he blacked out. But there was more to it.

He had come back and a woman had been there. No Ianto. No alien. No empty factory. But a woman in white. Was he dead? Had he died for real this time? No. This wasn't heaven. Nor was it hell. That he knew. He tried to focus on the woman. What had she told him? He tried to recall, but his thoughts were too fuzzy.

He wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe this was just a dream. And when he woke up for real he would be back in the Hub with everyone and he could enjoy one of Ianto's orgasmic coffees. But the pain in every muscle told him that this was not a dream.

Once more he tried to recall the woman, but he found it hard to focus his thoughts on one thing. They wanted to drift away. He fought to keep them in place. To find out what was going on.

He could hear footsteps outside of his door once more. And this time they stopped right in front of it. Someone put a key in the lock and opened the door. Jack moved his head so that he could see who had entered. But as he was lying on the floor all he could see was the white shoes and white pants. Slowly he tilted his head upwards to see more.

A man was looking down on him. The biggest man he'd ever seen. But he had some of the nicest brown eyes Jack had ever seen.

"How are you today, Jack?" the man asked as he bent down in front of Jack.

"Where am I?" Jack asked as he tried to sit up again.

"Safe Haven."

"Why am I here?"

The man looked down on him and smiled.

"That's not for me to tell you. You have to talk to doctor Jane about that. I'm here to give you your pills."

The man could see Jacks struggle to get up, so he sat the pills down beside him and gave Jack a helping hand.

When Jack sat against the wall the man held out the pills and some water to him.

"You have to take these."

Jack looked at the pills and decided that he didn't want to.

"And if I say no?"

"Then we have to use force on you, and that's not something that we want to do."

As he kept saying we Jack looked up towards the door and saw a guard standing there. He didn't have white cloths, but grey. And his stern face told Jack that he would love to use force if he got the chance.

Under normal circumstances Jack wouldn't hesitate for a moment before putting up a fight with these men. But since every muscle in him hurt, even the ones he didn't know he had, he knew that he would never win.

So with a small sigh he took the pills in his mouth and swallowed the water. But as he didn't want to take them, he hid them under his tongue. After he gave back the paper cup to the man he smiled. The man looked at him.

"Open wide."

"Huh?"

"Open up. I need to check that you actually swallowed the pills."

Some curses flew through Jack's mind as he quickly swallowed the pills for real. He didn't want any problems with this guy. And especially not with the man standing in the door.

After checking that Jack's mouth was free of pills the man got up from the floor and went to the door.

"Where're you going?" Jack asked and tried to get up.

"To the other patients. But don't worry Jack, they will take you to the common room soon. Just lay down and relax for a moment."

Slowly Jack nodded as the door closed and got locked again. Once more Jack tried to get to his feet. He managed to get halfway up before dizziness overcame him. Everything started spinning and he felt sick. He hadn't eaten yet, but he felt like he was about to throw up. So instead of pushing his body to stand up, he just let go. He fell to the floor and just lay there. The dizziness disappeared and the world came back to a stand still. But he still felt weak. And his mind slowly became blank. He tried to find something to think of, but every time he got hold of something it disappeared again leaving an empty echo inside of him.

* * *

Some time later footsteps stopped outside of Jack's door again. He didn't know how long it had been. It could have been minutes as well as hours. Carefully he sat up against the wall once more and looked towards the door. It slowly opened and a petite woman stood in the doorway. She held a tray in her hands and smiled at him.

"Breakfast in bed today, Jack," she said as she gave him the tray.

He wanted to make a comeback, some witty remark, but his mind was still blank. So he just smiled at her and looked down on the things on the tray; a plate with some oatmeal, some dark bread with butter and cheese and a glass of juice. It didn't look the least bit appetising but he had a feeling that if the refused to eat they would force-feed him later.

The woman stayed in his room until he'd finished all the food. She didn't talk to him, but he could feel her sympathetic gaze on him. And he hated it. He didn't need her sympathy. He needed to get out of here and find out what was wrong.

When he'd swallowed the last of the juice the woman took the tray again and left the room. Before she closed the door she turned to him once more.

"I'll come back soon, Jack. Don't worry."

And he was alone again.

The food had left a foul taste in his mouth. He wanted something to drown it with, but there was nothing in the room. So instead he just tried not to think about it.

He soon discovered that his mind was beginning to work again. He could focus his thoughts once more. But he still felt weak.

* * *

The woman was true to her words. Soon she was back at Jacks cell and came up to him.

"Do you know what day it is today?" she asked with a sweet smile.

Jack shook his head.

"It's Thursday. And you know what happens on Thursdays, don't you?"

Jack tried to think. Did something usually happen on Thursdays? Nothing that he could think of. So once again he shook his head.

"You have a visitor."

She smiled again as he reached for him and helped him to his feet. The world began to spin again and Jack had to lean against the wall to not fall down.

"Take it easy love. We have time. No hurry."

He looked at her as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn't think of anything so he kept quiet. Instead he looked over to the door and saw another man in grey clothes and a stern face. He could also see some sort of weapon hanging from the man's belt so he knew that he was right in assuming that he was a guard or something.

"Are you okay? Ready to move?"

Jack nodded and began to walk towards the door. As his knees threatened to give up on him he had to lean against the small woman so that he wouldn't fall over.

They didn't move fast, but the woman never gave away any sign of impatience. Jack could feel the guards presence behind him, lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike. Jack knew that he was being paranoid. The guard would never hurt him without reason. Or so Jack told himself in order to stay calm.

They walked along a grey corridor. On both sides of him there were doors, just like the one to his own room. Most of them were closed. But some were open. And when Jack glanced inside of them he could see that they were empty and looking just like the one he had just left.

Suddenly they came to a halt and Jack looked in front of him and saw a huge bar gate sealing off the corridor. The guard behind him went up to the gate and opened it.

The woman led Jack through and the guard closed the gate behind them, staying on the other side. Firstly, Jack couldn't understand why the guard left them now. But then he saw that the corridor was now full of open doors with doctors and nurses running around. There was no peace and quiet like it had been where he came from. Here there was noises and running and Jack almost got a headache right then and there. Tensing up in order to keep calm the woman beside him softly stroke his arm.

"Just calm down. No need to be scared. Okay?"

He nodded again and started to focus on his breathing. In and out. In and out. All in a slow pace.

The woman in white from the night before came up to Jack and smiled at him.

"Good morning Jack. How are you feeling today?"

Jack looked at her and blinked a few times.

"Er…weak…" was all he could say.

"Don't worry about that Jack. It's just a temporary side effect on the medication. That will soon leave, and you will feel fit and perfect again. But I won't keep you here now. You must be dying to meet your visitor."

Jack looked at her with a level of confusion that made the doctor worry about how big of a set back he'd suffered the night before. But she gave him a soft smile.

"I'll see you later this afternoon at our session."

He nodded and she left.

He looked after her for a moment before the small woman beside him began to walk again. Why was everyone so excited about him getting a visitor? He had no idea of who it could be; just that everyone was expecting him to look forward to it.

They came up to a big doorway about halfway through the corridor. The woman stopped and Jack looked inside. There he could see a table and some chairs. And a man was standing there with his back against the doorway. Jack could feel his heart skip a beat. He recognized that back anywhere. He let go of the woman and hurried as fast as he could inside and put a hand on the man's back.

"Ianto," Jack said with all the love he could find.

Ianto turned around and looked at Jack. But when Jack saw the younger man's face he almost backed away. This was not the Ianto he was used to. This Ianto was tired. So very tired. Jack could see the dark bags under his eyes, and he could almost swear that he was thinner. But it was the eyes that made Jack react. They were not only tired. There was defeat and hurt in them, and Jack didn't know what to do. So he took Ianto in his arms and held him tight. He could feel the second of hesitation in Ianto before he leaned into the hug and responded.

"Jack," Ianto whispered. "I've missed you."

He said it so quiet that Jack almost didn't hear it.

When Jack let go of him Ianto made his way to one of the chairs and sat down. Jack smiled at him and joined him.

"Where have you been?" Jack began. "I didn't know what happened to you. I woke up here and you were gone."

Ianto looked at him and realised that doctor Jane had been right. Something about Jack's behaviour had gone wrong again. He didn't know what to answer, so he was glad that Jack continued on his own.

"But never mind that. We have more important things to take care of." He lowered his voice before continuing. "Something strange is going on here. And I think it's the alien's fault. I want you to get Tosh to go over all the rift activity over the last months, maybe she can find something. And I want you to go look through the archives for any clue of anything like this happening before. Get Gwen to help you. I guess I have to stay here and look for clues. And could you get Owen to come here and help me. Maybe it's something in the pills. And if there is he's the best one to find out. And in the meantime…"

He trailed off as he saw tears filling up in Ianto's eyes.

"What's the matter?"

Ianto looked at him and wiped away the tears.

"Nothing Jack. I'm tired."

"No, tell me. There's something else. I know there is."

He could see Ianto's struggle for the right words so he laid a comforting hand on Ianto's knee.

"Please don't do this to me, Jack. Not again."

"What are you talking about?" Jack asked, confused.

"You were making so much progress and you were getting better. We even talked about when you would come home again. And now this."

"I don't understand what you're talking about Ianto."

"Never mind. This is not the time, nor the place. And I'm not the one to talk to you about it. Not now anyway."

"Ianto…"

"No. I'm not here to argue with you Jack. I'm here 'cause I want you to get better. I miss you. I want you to come home."

"I…I…What do you want?"

"I want you, Jack. Like I always do. I miss you. Can you understand that? I miss the you that was on its way back. Please, don't go back. Not now. I need you to come back to me."

"I'm here Ianto. I'd never leave. Not again. I came back for you, remember."

"Yes, I remember. And I need you to come back for me once more. I love you."

And with that Ianto leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on Jack's lips. The words of love had taken Jack aback and he didn't know how to respond. So he just let Ianto kiss him.

Then Ianto got up and smiled weakly at Jack.

"I'm sorry I can't stay longer. But I can't have Owen covering for me for too long. I'll try to come again as soon as I can."

"Tell the others what to do and I'll be back in no time."

"Okay Jack. I'll tell them."

He stroke Jack gently on the cheek before planting another kiss on his lips.

"And remember that I love you."

"Okay."

Jack nodded as Ianto left.

"You still look good in a suit though." Jack said after him and he could almost see the small smirk on Ianto's lips at those words.

As Ianto rounded the corner, Jack stayed on the chair. What had just happened? What was wrong with Ianto? He knew that something was very wrong and he wanted to help. But why did he have the feeling that Ianto was saying that it was him, Jack, that was wrong?

* * *

Ianto came out in the entrance hall and tried his best to not start crying.

"Mr Jones?"

He turned around and saw doctor Jane coming towards him.

"Are you leaving so soon?"

"I'm sorry doctor. I know you said that he'd gotten worse, I just wasn't prepared it was that bad."

"I'm sorry Mr Jones."

"Please, it's Ianto. What are you doing to help him?"

"Well, we have increased his medication again and I'll be having a session with him this afternoon to find out how much worse he's been getting. But we are doing everything we can."

"Thank you. I just want him back. I miss him."

"I can understand that. And he does miss you too, I can tell."

"I'll try to come back this weekend if that's okay."

"I don't know Mr Jo…Ianto. I have to have a talk with him first. Maybe it's not good for either of you if you come more than once a week."

"But…"

"No. Please listen to me Ianto. I know how much this hurts you. I can see it. And even if you're not a patient of mine I still care about you. And we both know that if you break down Jack will too."

"Fine. But please call me tonight and tell me how he is. I need to know."

"Will do. Take care Ianto."

Ianto nodded and left the building. He went to his car and sat down. Turning the radio on he finally let all the tears flow and he cried. Cried like there was no end to the tears. Cried like the world was about to break. And somehow, that's just how it was.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I had a dream last night that I was the owner of Torchwood. Then I woke up and discovered that it wasn't true. I cried some. I just wish that it was for real.**

**A huge that to all of you who reviews this story. Every little review makes me write so much faster. And thanks to all of you who silently stalks me and this story. I hope you like it.  
I write this for you all.**

**And thaks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta.  
**

* * *

After pulling himself together Ianto drove to his office. He had called Owen earlier and told him that he would be getting late as he was going to see Jack. Owen had told him to take his time, there was no need to hurry back. So now Ianto had a bad conscience about lying to Jack. He had told him he had to hurry back to work. But only because he couldn't bear seeing his boyfriend like that. Not again. He did his best to not think about it anymore.

He pulled up by the building where he worked. He took a deep breath and left the car. Taking the elevator to the top floor where his little office cubical was took its time. Thirteen floors with the calming music didn't do much to soothe his nerves. So he was glad when the doors finally opened and he could get out.

Without looking up he walked straight to his little cubical and sat down. He turned on the computer and began look through the mail laying there waiting for him.

"Morning Ianto," he suddenly heard Owen calling from the cubical next to his own. "Didn't expect you back so soon."

Ianto just gave him a weak smile in reply. He was still too affected by Jack's appearance to talk. He had to focus all his strength on not crying again.

"Hey, mate," Owen said again, closer this time. "You alright?"

Ianto tried to nod, but he just shook his head and felt the tears streaming down his cheeks once more. He felt a comforting hand on his shoulder as Owen came up to him.

"Talk to me. How's Jack?"

"Worse. He…he's back where he was before. He made so much progress, and now it's all gone. Like nothing happened in the fist place. He didn't even know who I was. To him I was the bloody tea-boy and archivist at Torchwood Three again."

"Oh Ianto," was all that Owen could muster as he pulled Ianto closer.

"And I don't know what to do. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm tired. So bloody tired. I just want him back."

"I know you do. And he'll come back to you again. This is just a temporary setback."

"How do you know? You're no doctor."

"Well," Owen smiled. "Jack seems to think that I am."

"Yeah. And he thinks that Tosh is a computer genius. But last time I checked she's the one crashing computers on a weekly basis."

"Fair point."

"I miss him," Ianto whispered with a small sob.

Owen had to bite back his own tears, and anger. He hated seeing Ianto like this. Hated seeing the defeat that more often than not rested over his best friend. He knew what Jack meant to him. And he knew how helpless Ianto felt. And to be honest he felt the same way himself. Jack had been his friend and co-worker. But he couldn't bring himself to go visit him. Instead he was there for Ianto when he came back from his visits.

Owen pulled Ianto into a hug and felt how Ianto let go of all the control he tried so hard not to lose. The tears from Ianto dampened Owen's shirt, but he didn't care. Instead he stroked the other's back and whispered soft and soothing words to him.

"What's going on?"

Owen looked up and saw Tosh standing there with a concerned face.

"Jack's worse."

"Oh. I'm sorry, Yan," she softly said as he too came up to him and gave him a hug.

When Ianto finally let go of Owen his eyes were red and his face swollen from all of the tears. He tried to smile, but it just looked out of place. So it was Owen who smiled at him.

"What do you say about lunch?"

"Lunch?" Ianto looked at him with disbelief in his eyes. "It's not even ten o'clock."

"Okay…so what about breakfast?"

"We have to work you know."

"We'll talk to the boss and say it's a meeting or something. She can't refuse. She loves you."

"Fine," Ianto sighed. "Just let me get cleaned up first."

* * *

Moments later Ianto came back looking like a new person. He'd washed his face and straightened his suit, so now he almost looked like he used to.

"Shall we?" Owen asked laughing and offered Ianto his arm.

"We shall."

Ianto took his arm and they walked past all the other cubicles on the floor as they made their way to the boss's office at the far end of the room.

When they got there Ianto was about to change his mind and go back to his own cubical, his own safe haven. But Owen's grip on his arm was firm as he knocked on the door before opening it.

Inside the boss was sitting by her desk working on her computer. And when the door opened she looked up. When she saw Ianto standing there she smiled.

"Yes?"

"Sorry to disturb you Miss Jones," Owen began with a smile. "But on Ianto's behalf I'm asking for at least the morning off."

"Mr Harper, you know that this is a work place. That means that you actually have to work. So why are you using poor Mr Jones to get away this time?"

As soon as she said that she could see that something really was wrong with Ianto.

"What's wrong, Ianto?"

"Jack," he said and looked down in the floor.

And with that she remembered what day it was.

"I'm so sorry. Of course you get the morning off. And I would even recommend that you take the rest of the day off. You don't have much to do anyway if I'm correct."

Ianto nodded.

"Then I expect you back tomorrow instead. You're excused."

"Thank you."

He and Owen both turned around and were about to leave when Miss Jones called Owen back. He looked at Ianto and asked him to wait. Then he entered the office once more.

"Close the door," she said.

He did as told and came up to her desk.

"I may not like that you use your co-workers to get a day off," she said with as much authority in her voice that she could master. "But this time you're right. Ianto shouldn't be left alone today, so I want you to be there for him. You got that?"

"Yes," Owen nodded.

"And I'm getting sick of your work ethics too, so I suggest that you clean up your act or I'll have to take drastic measures. Do you understand me?"

Owen swallowed hard before giving her a second nod.

"Of course, miss."

"Good. Now, leave."

He turned around and headed back to the door. But before he opened it he turned around again.

"Thank you Martha," he smiled and left the room.

* * *

Outside in the fresh air Ianto took a deep breath and filled his lungs with the cool September breeze.

"What do you say about pizza?" Owen asked as they headed towards Ianto's car.

"For breakfast?"

"Why not?" Owen shrugged. "Keys please."

Ianto threw his keys to Owen to let him drive before he answered.

"With your diet I'm surprised you don't roll forwards."

"Good metabolism you know."

"Well, I'm not blessed with that, so I would like something a little healthier to eat."

"Subway?"

"You're incorrigible."

"So Subway it is."

Ianto just smiled as Owen drove off.

* * *

Jack sat alone in a corner in the common room. He looked around in the room and saw others in the same outfit as himself. And most of them seemed lost in their own heads. He could see it from the blank stares into the space. Some of them were sitting in groups, chatting away. Nurses ran through the room from one person to another to make sure they were okay. By the back door two guards were standing. All grey. The room itself was light; white ceiling, greenish walls and yellowish floor. Huge windows covered the outer wall, and the windows were covered in bars.

Jack felt confused. Even more so than before. He'd met Ianto. But it was not the Ianto he knew. This Ianto was tired and broken, and Jack had no idea why. When he told Ianto what to do, Ianto had just looked at him with the looks of someone who wanted to believe, but couldn't. And now Jack sat in this room, people greeting him and talking to him like they knew him. And he had no idea of who they were. He'd never seen any of them before.

He had to figure this out. And he had to figure it out quickly. But the pills he'd gotten made it hard. He could think; but his thoughts were fuzzy, hard to get a hold of. And he was weak. His body didn't feel like it used to. It felt wrong. Almost like it wasn't his.

The male nurse that gave him the pills before came up to him earlier and talked to him. Again, he talked like they knew each other very well. The man had asked about Ianto; wanted to know how the other one was. And Jack didn't like it. Maybe it was this man that had made him end up here. He supplied the pills. Jack had to keep close track of him and see if he could get any closer to getting out.

* * *

Ianto and Owen sat on the couch in Owen's apartment. After eating they had come there just to relax. Ianto spent most of his free time in Owen's apartment. He had one of his own, but he always felt so sad when he was there. It was the apartment that he and Jack used to live in. Every space in there held the memories of Jack. In every room Jack's memory walked around, haunting Ianto. And Ianto couldn't stand the thoughts that came to him while staying there. So Owen had offered him his guest room as often as Ianto needed it.

And now they sat on the couch like they always did in the evenings. Owen could see that there was more troubling Ianto than he let show.

"Yan? How are you? For real."

Ianto sighed.

"Talk to me mate," Owen continued. "You know that I just want what's best for you."

"I know. I just feel like I'm putting all my problems on you, and God knows you have enough of your own."

"Hey, I'm your friend. And friends listen. And besides, you almost live here and I know that something is troubling you. You have nightmares. You wake up either screaming or crying, or both. I just want to be there for you."

He put a reassuring hand on Ianto's shoulder. And unintentionally Ianto leaned in to the touch.

"I can't sleep," Ianto began. "It feels so empty without Jack. I miss him so much that sometimes I feel like I'm about to break. And he was getting better. We talked about what we would do when he got out of there. All the things that we'd both missed. It was almost like talking to the old Jack. But now…he's gone back to the worst period of before."

And once again Ianto began to cry. It was so hard for him to talk about, or even think about what he felt. Owen pulled him closer, and he let himself be held by the strong arms.

"He doesn't remember anything. It's like a dream to him. Torchwood is real. And this…the real world, is just the fantasy. I love him so much. But I don't think I can go through this again. In my dreams he tries to kill himself again. And in every dream he succeeds. Just because he's so damn sure that he's immortal. But he's not. I don't want him to die. I can't lose him. Not again."

He cried. Cried so hard that he almost couldn't speak anymore. Owen held him tighter, never wanting to let go.

"And it's all my fault." It was nothing more than a whisper, but Owen heard it loud and clear. And he got angry.

"Don't you say that. Don't you dare say that Ianto. It's not your fault."

"But if I hadn't…then he…I would be…"

Own took hold of Ianto's shoulders and made him look him in the eyes.

"It's not your fault Ianto. She was crazy, and you know that. If it wasn't for Jack, you would be dead right now and I think that he would too. He saved you both."

"But she…"

"No. Don't think that. Never blame yourself for her actions. Never. You hear that?"

Ianto nodded and Owen smiled at him before pulling him back into his arms.

* * *

It was a comfortable room. Dark wooden walls with matching furniture. In the windows hang red curtains. All in all this was a very cosy room. Jack sat on a small couch eyeing the room. In front of him doctor Jane sat looking at Jack. Behind her his file lay since she had gone through it right before he'd got to the room. She looked at him with the same soft smile she always gave her patients so that they would feel safe and calm.

"So, Jack. How are you feeling?"

He looked over at her.

"Fine. Not as weak as before."

"That's good. I told you it was just a little side effect of the pills."

"What kind of pills are they?"

"Just to make you calm and able to think straight."

"And if I refuse to take them? Maybe I feel much better without them."

Jane had to suppress a sigh. She'd had this conversation with Jack before, just after he arrived.

"If you refuse to take them we have ways to force them into you. You see Jack, they are made for your own good."

"You have no authority to force me."

"We do Jack. We have the authority to do what we can to make you feel better."

"I feel fine."

Jack crossed his arms on his chest. He had a feeling that he couldn't win this. And he knew that the answers he needed was hidden in the file on the doctors desk. He'd seen it when he entered the room. Now he just had to find a way to get hold of it.

"What's the last thing you remember before waking up here?" Jane asked.

"Me, Ianto and Gwen were…er…chasing a…person…" Jack said while trying to make up a good cover story.

"Was it a real person?"

"Yeah. What other kind is there?"

"You sure it wasn't an alien?"

"There's no such thing as aliens," Jack quickly replied. Almost too quickly for his own liking.

"You've told me before Jack. You've told me all about what Torchwood do."

"Why would I tell you that?"

"You trust me. I'm your friend, and I'm here to help you."

Jack had no memory of him ever talking to Jane before. And he could not recall ever telling anyone outside of his own team about Torchwood and aliens and letting them remember about it. So maybe she was right. Maybe he did trust her. Somehow some part of him told him that she was right. And he had a feeling that he should just play along and maybe he would get hold of the answers he needed.

"Yes," he said with a dashing smile. "It was an alien. A pink one. We chased it into an empty factory down in the harbour. We split up and I found it. Then it shot me. And the next thing I know I'm here."

"Why was Ianto with you? I thought that he was the archivist?"

"Well…I only have four team members, and I need everyone in the field. So I kind of promoted him."

"Then why were there just three of you chasing the alien?"

"Actually, there was four of us. Tosh was staying in the Hub, watching the CCTV to make sure that we could find the alien."

"Why wasn't the fifth member with you?"

"Owen was behind on his paperwork, and as I'm his boss I needed to punish him somehow. So I made him stay behind and finish the papers, or else…"

"Or else what?"

"I don't know. Must you have something after or else? I find it more threatening if you don't."

"So you were chasing this alien and you got shot. Why didn't you die?"

"I'm immortal. I can't die."

After saying that Jack almost bit his tongue. That was the one secret he never spoke of. He'd never even told his team mates, they found out themselves when they killed him. He looked over at Jane and saw something in her eyes that wasn't there before. It was some kind of sorrow. Nothing very noticeable, but Jack had always been good at seeing the little changes in people, so he saw it. And it made him feel strange. Like he'd said something wrong. And not wrong in the way of saying to much, but wrong in the way of saying the expected wrong.

"You know where you are right now, don't you Jack?"

"Yes. You've told me. Safe Haven. I just don't know why I'm here. And no one will tell me."

"You've been here for a little more than ten months."

"I can't have. I've been at my place."

"No. You were brought in here in November last year after getting ill."

"Why do you go to a mental institution for getting ill?"

This time Jane couldn't suppress her sigh. She knew she had to take this slow, just like she did the last time.

"About eighteen months ago you were in a car crash. It was caused by Lisa Hallet, Ianto's…"

"Girlfriend. I know. But it wasn't a car crash. She was a cyberwoman, and she tried to kill my team. And she tried to kill Ianto. She tried to kill me too, but couldn't."

"Yes, she tried to kill you. And she almost did. You were in a coma for three weeks after that. Ianto never left your side. He was so happy when you came back. But then you started to change. You began to think that you were Captain Jack Harkness, head of Torchwood Three."

"But I am Captain Jack Harkness."

"You are Jack Harkness. You work in an office with Ianto and your friends. You do paper work all day.

"I hate paper work."

"But you do it for a living. But after your coma you began to change. Like I said, you thought that you were working for some secret organisation hunting aliens. And you thought that you were immortal."

"But I am. I am immortal. I can't die."

"You can die. And that's why Ianto brought you here. You became suicidal. Desperate to show Ianto that you couldn't die. One time you almost did, and Ianto was scared for you. He brought you here because he loves you. Even though, in your mind he was just the archivist and you treated him like that, he never stopped loving you. He comes here every week just to talk to you, to help you remember. And to help you get better."

Jack listened to all she said. He knew that she was wrong. He was Captain Jack Harkness. And he was immortal. He knew that. But why did the things she said make sense to him? He didn't want to admit it, but something inside of him told him that maybe she was right. Maybe it was him that was wrong.

* * *

After the session Jack was back in the common room. He felt strange. He'd listened to everything she'd told him, but he couldn't get hold of it. She had somewhat confirmed what Ianto had told him before. Now he could understand Ianto's behaviour much better. But were they right? He still felt that he was the one that was right, and that they were wrong. But they were more than him, and he was the one locked up at a mental institution. He felt like crying. He almost never cried, but the situation in combination with the pills made him feel soft. He felt the tears coming, but did his best to hold them back.

"Are you crying Jackie-boy?"

He heard the voice. One of the last voices he'd ever expect to hear again. And yet this felt like just the place to find it.

He looked up to his right. And there, sitting in the corner with his legs spread sat John Hart. He smiled at Jack. A horrible smile, but a smile never the less.

"You're not crazy Jackie. They are. Yes, they are." And John began to laugh hysterical.

* * *

**Reviews? Please...**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Sorry guys for taking so long to update. I absolutly hate having no internet.  
Once again I would like to thank all of you who reviews this story. It's so fun to know what you like in it and what you think about it.  
And thank you all who have this story on alert.  
I write this for all of you.**

**And thank you TheWeddingFairy for beta.**

**Now, on with the story  
**

* * *

The laugh from John sent shivers down Jack's spine. He'd never heard anything like it before. Not even when he hung out with John at the Time Agency. But the words were what hung in the air and made Jack curious.

"What did you say?" Jack had to ask.

John stopped laughing and looked at him again.

"You're not crazy, Jackie-boy. Everyone else is. Yes, they are. They have to keep us here so that we don't tell people the truth. That's right."

Jack didn't like the nickname John had for him, but he had a feeling that it was one of the better ones that John could come up with.

"And what's the truth?"

"That is for me to know, and for you to find out."

"Quit kidding around!"

Jack got to his feet and stumbled over to John. He tried to look intimidating, but had the feeling that he failed miserably since the world began to spin around him making him nauseous again. He put a hand to the wall for support and John laughed at him again.

"Take it easy Jackie. Don't fall down."

"Why are you here?" Jack asked as he blinked in order to try and make the world stop spinning.

"I'm bat shit crazy," John laughed and threw his arms around himself.

"You went through the rift. I saw you. So why are you here?"

For a second John got serious and looked Jack in the eyes.

"You put me here."

"What?"

Jack couldn't understand. He'd seen John go through the rift. Seen him disappear just after telling him…

"Where's Grey?"

John looked at him with a question written all over him.

"Where's Grey?" Jack said again and leaned down towards John. "Tell me where he is."

Once more John began to laugh. And Jack got furious. He took hold of John's arm and dragged him to his feet.

"Where's Grey?" Jack yelled as he hit John in the stomach. "Where is he?"

He hit again and hit all the air out if John. John tried to laugh but was out of breath. If it wasn't for the fact that Jack held his arm, he would fall down.

"Why are you here? You left! I know you did!"

Jack hit again, and again. The blood was beginning to draw from John's lip that Jack had split.

Suddenly Jack felt someone take his arms and bend them backwards.

"Calm down Jack. Calm down." The words were spoken softly but Jack wouldn't listen.

He tried to break free. He wanted to hit John harder. Wanted to feel something crack beneath his fist. Wanted to draw blood from that pretty face. He wanted answers and he wanted to destroy.

When he didn't calm down he felt more arms around him, and suddenly there was a sharp sting in his neck as a syringe penetrated his skin, injecting him with some unknown fluid.

The grip around him loosened and he felt his body go numb. He still wanted to hit. But he didn't have the strength to keep himself standing. He felt his mind go blank and his body disappearing around him. And then he was completely surrounded by the comforting darkness.

* * *

Doctor Jane sat in her office and had just read through the report on Jacks violent attack. She sighed. This was not good. Never in his time at Safe Haven had Jack gone to attack against anyone. And Jane didn't like what that could mean.

After reading all of her observations during their session Jane knew what she had to do. She picked up her phone and dallied the same number as the night before. This time it only took one signal before someone picked up at the other end.

"_Hello?_"

"Mr Jones?"

"_Yes._"

"This is Doctor Jane Brody."

"_I know. I've been expecting your call. How bad is it?_"

"That's hard to tell at the moment. There's been some…changes." Jane sighed. How should she tell this man that the man he loves may no longer be there?

"_What do you mean 'changes'?_" she could hear the fear in his voice and she knew that he was already expecting the worst.

"After our session this afternoon he attacked another patient."

"_What? Jack doesn't do that. He's not aggressive. Never has been._"

"I know. And that's what's so troubling. He attacked the other patient claiming that he knew where Grey is."

It got quiet at the other end. Jane could hear Ianto breathe, but he couldn't speak.

"Mr Jones? Ianto?"

There were some noise that she couldn't really identify before there came a new voice.

"_What's going on?_" It was a voice that Jane didn't recognize.

"Who am I talking to?"

"_Owen Harper. Ianto's friend. Can you tell me what's going on? What has happened?_"

"I'm sorry, Mr Harper. But I'm not allowed to talk to you about it. The confidentiality prevents me from speaking to any other than Ianto about Jack._"_

"_Listen doctor. I know about that crap. But this is serious. Ianto's sitting here just staring into space. Hell, I would say that he's crying but there's no tears. And if you don't tell me now, he would later. So either way I would know. But I can tell that something really bad is going on, cause Ianto never breaks down like this. So either you tell me now and I can understand why he's acting like this, or you speak to him and he'll never be the same again. Your choice._"

Jane knew that he was right. She'd seen it earlier when she met Ianto, he's breaking down. And she knows that Owen's there for him always. And right now Ianto needed someone there.

So against her better knowledge she decides to tell Owen about what's happened.

"Jack is deteriorating. He attacked another patient today. And he was sure that that man knew where his brother was."

"_Jack doesn't have a brother…_"

"He had a brother. A brother who died. And now he's making his past trauma a part of the world he's been creating. And I fear that this act of violent is just the beginning. He's slipping."

Owen swallowed hard and Jane knew that he understood just why Ianto reacted like he did.

"_And…what…er… what are you doing to help him?_"

"Anything we can Mr Harper. Increased medication and daily sessions. And, I'm afraid, sedatives. We can't have him attacking his fellow patients."

"_I see. And what can we do?_"

"Keep living and don't give up hope. I promised Ianto I would make Jack better, and I do not intend to break that promise."

"_Thank you doctor._"

"Good bye Mr Harper. Take care."

She hung up and looked at the phone in her hand. She had given Ianto that promise ten months ago, and no matter how long it would take she would keep it. She would make Jack come back once more.

Sighing she opened his file again and began to read through it from start till finish. She had to plan the best approach to this to be able to make it as painless as possible for everyone.

* * *

Ianto sat on the couch looking at the wall in front of him. He'd heard every word Owen said. He knew it was bad. Jack never got violent. That was not the Jack he knew. But then again, he didn't know this Jack. He knew the Jack from eighteen months ago. And he knew that there wasn't much left that he could do. Not now, since Jack seemed to be getting worse. He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry so badly. But he couldn't find the tears for it. His world was breaking down around him as he tried to find some small, steady spot to stand on. But there were none. Everything he had fought so hard to keep was slipping away from him. And all he could do was watch. His heart was aching and he gasped for air. He thought that he let out a small, dry sob, but he wasn't sure.

He knew that he'd let that sob out the second he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. But he didn't move, he didn't even react on it. And suddenly he was pulled into a hug and held tight by strong arms. He let himself be held. Never wanting the arms to let him go. He felt safe. The world wasn't falling apart quite so fast anymore. He leaned into the hug and let go of himself.

Owen pulled Ianto even closer as he felt the need for comfort. Doctor Jane had told him what was going on and he knew that Ianto was hurting. He saw it in every part of him. And Owen wanted to comfort him, be there and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. But deep down he knew that everything wasn't going to be okay, and he didn't want to lie. So instead he just said random soothing words to make Ianto know that he cared.

"I can't do this anymore," Ianto whispered so quiet that Owen had to concentrate to really hear it.

"What?"

"I can't do this anymore," he said again, louder this time. "I can't go through this one more time."

"Hey, listen to me Ianto. You have to be strong. This is just temporary. You know it."

"No, I don't. Jack's never been violent before. Never. And Grey…he knows what happened. He's already dealt with it. Why is he bringing it back? Why did he have to get worse? Why did he…why did he have to get in to that car in the first place?"

Ianto pulled away. Owen wanted to hit him. They'd been through this before. And Ianto still blamed himself for that accident. He couldn't know that Lisa was planning on killing him that morning. He couldn't know that he would be sick and tell Jack to take his car as Jack's was broken. And he couldn't know that the accident would make Jack so sick. He couldn't know any of that, and still he blamed himself for letting it happen.

"Ianto…"

"No. Don't. I know what you want to say, but don't."

Ianto got up from the couch and began to pace. And Owen knew that he needed his space. So he sat still in the couch just looking at Ianto, wanting him to say something.

"I can't do this anymore Owen. I just can't."

"Don't you love him anymore?" The words were harder that Owen wanted them to be and they made Ianto stop dead in his track and just look at him.

There was a sad smile on his lips and hints of tears in his eyes.

"Love him? Of course I love him! That's the only thing I know for sure in this world. I love him so much that I don't know what to do, where to go. He's the only thing that matters in life. He's the only true thing there is."

Owen looked at him and knew that what he said was true. But he had the feeling that there were more to it.

"Then why…" he began before Ianto cut him of.

"I love him so much that I have to let him go."

"Why?"

"Because the Jack I love isn't in there anymore. I love him so much, and I know that he loved me too. But not anymore. He doesn't even know who I am."

"Of course he does. He always has."

"No. When he got sick I became someone else to him. I still love him, but he can't love me. And his latest actions just proves that he's lost."

Ianto's eyes were filling up with tears that he fought hard to keep at bay.

"I love him with every heartbeat, with every breath. I would die for him. And I miss him. I miss his touch. Miss the way he says my name. Miss how he always overslept for work. Miss how he smiled. Miss how he laughed. Miss how he held me close when we would go to sleep. I miss everything about him. He may only have been physically gone for ten months, but he has been mentally gone for eighteen. And do you know how hard it is to love someone that's not there? That's lost in their own world?"

"Yes," Owen whispered more to himself than to Ianto. "I do."

"And I can't take that anymore," Ianto continued without even knowing that Owen had made a response. "I can't live like this anymore. I have to move on. I…I…I have to let myself be happy again. I will never stop loving him, but if he doesn't come back I can not be with him."

"And what are you supposed to do? Just go over there next week and tell him that it's over? It would crush him!"

"I know," Ianto said and looked down in the floor in shame for what he was about to say. "I'll just stop going…"

"You can't! Ianto, that's not right and you know it."

"Then what would you have me do, huh? Just sit there every week and pretend that everything is okay when in fact I'm losing it? Is that what you're suggesting?"

"I…you...he…I don't know Ianto. I don't know what you should do. Just…don't to anything rash. Think about it first. Okay?"

"Fine."

They both calmed down and sat down on the couch again and turned on a movie. None of them said anything more about the subject, but they both knew that this was the point. The point where Ianto would either give up and move on or keep fighting for Jack to get better. And they both knew, deep down, that it wasn't that much of a choice. And both of them felt a certain amount of calm, but for very different reasons.

* * *

Slowly consciousness crept back to Jack. He tried to open his eyes, but they were so heavy. He tried to move, but something prevented that. His mind were all fuzzy and he couldn't really make out anything. He knew that something had happened, he just couldn't remember what.

Once more he tried to move, but without any success. His body felt numb and distant. And it was quiet around him. All quiet. Not even the steps like last time he woke up. Just silence.

He wanted to see what was going on. No, he needed to see. So with all the strength he could muster he opened his eyes.

Just like last time he was in the white room made of mattresses. And he still laid on the floor. But something was different. He couldn't move. As he looked down on himself he saw the reason. A straightjacket kept his arms around his body and held them at place so that he couldn't move. He tried to break free, but the lack of strength made it impossible. He tried his best not to panic, but even that was hard for him to do. Why did they put him in restraint? What had he done?

Slowly, vague pieces of the afternoon came back to him. After the session with doctor Jane he was once more alone with all the others in the common room. He had been sitting there, thinking. And then he's seen John. John Hart had been there, telling him that he wasn't mad. And he'd hit John. That's when something had stung him and he passed out. And now he was here, in restraint and still high on sedatives.

He remembered what John had told him. This wasn't real. This was just in his head. He was the one that was right. But then again, John were also stuck in a mental institution. And he was clearly crazy.

Jack felt tired. Tired of figuring out what was going on. He knew that he had to get hold of those files that doctor Jane had. Maybe they held all the answers. And he was still unsure about the man handing out pills. But he had a feeling that they would make him take even more pills after this little incident with John. He had to know what was going on. He just hoped that Ianto would come back and talk to him, maybe they could figure something out. Even though Ianto thought that he was crazy he might give some clues of to what was going on.

But till then Jack decided that he should play along.

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclamer: I thought that I owned Torchwood. But I was wrong. I don't own a thing.**

**AN: Another chapter. Do you love me now?  
This is dedicated to all of you who reads and reviews.  
A big thanks to all of my silent stalkers out there. It's for you I write.**

**And thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta  
**

* * *

The grey walls made their way to Jack's mind. He was moving. But not on his own. Someone dragged him along. Two strong arms on either side of him holding him up. His own arms were still fastened by the jacket and he couldn't move them. Footsteps echoed through his mind. He felt unable to think. Not a single thought could be found in his head. His eyes were open but all he could see was the white floor and some of the grey walls.

He didn't know what time it was. He didn't even know if it was morning or night. Though he did know that someone had helped him eat breakfast and take some medication earlier. But he didn't know when or how long it had been since then. Maybe he felt weak because of the pills, just like Doctor Jane had told him before.

Suddenly they came to a stop. Jack lifted his head and saw a wooden door in front of him. The man to his left opened the door, and Jack immediately recognized Doctor Jane's office. It was time for his session.

He was dragged in to the room and the men helped him sit down on the couch. Doctor Jane came around her desk and walked up to him. She shot him a sympathetic smile before turning to the men.

"He can't have that jacket on in here. This is a safe place. Please take it off."

The biggest man, the man who gave Jack his pills the day before, shook his head.

"I'm sorry doctor. But it's as much for his own security as it is for yours."

"Mark, I need you to take it off." Jane's voice was calm, but Jack could hear the authority. "Like I said this is a safe place, and he can't feel safe if he's in a restraint."

"Doctor…"

"I know it's for my protection too. But believe me, I have other ways of protecting myself if it comes to that."

No response came, but Jack found out that the man, Mark, did as he was told. The next thing he knew was strong hands taking the jacket off.

As soon as Jack's arms were free he ran one hand through his hair, and with the other he scratched his nose like he'd been dying to do since he woke up.

The door closed and he was alone with Doctor Jane. He looked up at her as she was sitting in the same chair as the day before. She smiled at him. A calming and supportive smile. He liked it.

"So Jack, how are you today?"

He tried to find the words for it, and actually found it a lot easier than he first thought it would be.

"Tired. And weak."

"I can understand that Jack, and I'm sorry. Believe me when I say that I did not want for this to happen. But you understand why, don't you?"

Jack nodded.

"Let's talk about what happened yesterday. Do you remember what happened?"

Once again Jack nodded.

"Can you tell me? I've only read the reports, but I would like to hear it from you."

Jack swallowed hard. He'd decided to play along, but with this woman he didn't know what he was supposed to say or do. So he just decided to tell the truth, to tell her how he'd seen it.

"I attacked John. I hit him."

"Yes, you did. Can you tell me why you did it?"

"I don't know what he's doing here. He tried to kill both me and my team. Well, he killed me but only tried to kill the others. And I saw him when he went through the rift. But before he disappeared he said that he'd found Gray."

"Gray?"

Jack closed his eyes as the memories washed over him.

"My…my brother…"

"Why would John know where Gray is?"

"I don't know! He just told me that he knew. And I have to find him. I have to know where he is!"

His heart began to race and his breathing became shallow. Not from panic, but from guilt and anger. He felt it in every fibre of him. He clenched his fists to try to focus.

Jane leaned forward and put a hand on his knee.

"Calm down Jack. Breath. In and out. In and out."

Jack listened to her and did his best to obey. He took deep breaths and felt the calmness from her stream from her hand over to him, through his body and his mind.

"You okay, Jack?" Jane asked when she noticed that he was breathing normal again.

He nodded, but didn't open his eyes.

"I understand that talking about Gray is very emotional for you, but remember that this is a safe environment. And I want you to feel safe enough to tell me about what happened."

Jane sighed on the inside. She already knew what had happened to Gray, but she'd never heard it from Jack. All she knew was what she'd read in the file. And not once since Jack got here had he talked about Gray. So she didn't know how he saw the event.

She knew how much it hurt him to talk about it, but she also knew that he had to do it.

"Jack? Can you tell me about Gray?"

He opened his eyes and looked at her. She could see tears threatening to break through.

"I don't want to remember. I haven't thought about that day for over 150 years. I buried it. Buried it deep. But after John told me…I can't stop thinking about it."

"Maybe it's time for you to talk about it. You can't bury your past forever."

"I know…But I'm not sure."

"You can trust me Jack. Tell me about it."

Slowly Jack nodded. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I was home. On Boeshane Peninsula. My home in the 51st century. We were on the beach. Me, my father and Gray. Playing on the beach. Relaxing. Not thinking about the threat."

"Threat?"

"We lived under the threat of invasion. Vicious creatures. The most horrible ones you can ever imagine. That day they came without warning. We thought that they would just fly by us as always. But they didn't, not that day. Their cold howls travelled before them. Dad told us to run. I took Gray's hand. He told me to keep Gray safe. Dad ran the other way. He was going to save Mom. I held Gray's hand and we ran. We ran as fast as we could. I saw some trees and hid under them. I looked for Gray, but he was gone. One minute I was holding his hand…I don't know when he let go. I called out for him. Screamed his name. The attack was over. I retraced my steps, hoping that I'd see him again."

He stopped. Jane could hear the pain in every word, and she could see it in every muscle in him. He tried to shield himself from the memory. She almost cried herself.

"Did you find him?" she asked, even though she already knew the answer.

Jack sobbed.

"I ran all the way home. Not seeing him anywhere. Maybe he'd gotten home with Dad. Maybe he was safe there. When I got home I found Dad. He was dead. I kneeled beside him, not able to cry. Mom came running. Calling Dad's name. She saw me and hugged me. Held me so tight. Then she looked over my shoulder. Asking me where Gray was. He wasn't home. I was trying to tell her. Told her that we ran. Ran so fast. His hand in mine. And then…she cried. Called for him. I searched for Gray for years. I never found the body."

Tears were streaming down his cheeks and Jane knew that she had to say something.

"Jack, it wasn't your fault."

"I let go of his hand! It was the worst day of my life!"

Jack opened his eyes and she could see the anger in them. The anger that he had let his family down. And the shame for doing so.

He angrily wiped the tears away and tried to meet Jane's eyes. But the feelings overwhelmed him and he quickly looked away again.

"Jack, I understand that this is hard for you. But now you have to listen to me. I know that in your mind that is how it happened. But…"

Jack opened his mouth to object but closed it again when he saw the look on Jane's face. It was the same look that she had when she told him the truth about Lisa Hallet. She was going to tell him that he was wrong. He didn't want to hear that. One thing he knew for sure was that he'd lost Gray that day. He knew it, but she was going to tell him otherwise. She was going to make another one of his memories into something he would begin to believe as the truth.

"But the reality is a little different." As she saw the silent disbelief in his eyes she decided to go slow. "You were fourteen when it happened. You and your family were on the beach. You, your Mom, your Dad and Gray. It was a little break from the usual workday and you were just going to have fun and relax. You and Gray were swimming. You had a competition: the first one out to the huge rock and back would get an ice cream when you got back. You saw that Gray was long behind you and you stopped and offered him a hand to help him. You did want to win, but not outshine him too much. He took your hand and you gave him a push forwards. He swam a few feet before he disappeared under the surface. You thought that he was kidding, but he didn't come back up. You looked for him, calling his name. Your father came out to help you look. Then you felt the current. It had pulled him under. You all searched for hours, but you couldn't find him. Police said that he'd been taken out to sea. They never found the body."

Jack looked at her. Once more her story sounded believable. But he knew that he was right. He knew that it wasn't that simple. Gray hadn't died by drowning. But still, it felt right.

"No one blamed you Jack. No one, except yourself. You blamed yourself so much that you got lost. Lost in your own head. Your parents got worried about you and took you to an institution. You were hospitalized for six months before you could handle everything. And during that time your father died of a stroke. So when you were discharged only your mother was there waiting for you. But she never left you."

Jack looked at her in silence judging if she was right. Jane said nothing, but waited for him to speak.

"That sounds…well, it could be…maybe I…"

"Yes, Jack?"

"I don't know. It could be right. But why don't I remember it? Why do I have another version of what happened?"

"That is one of the great mysteries. I believe that your mind creates this other world for you so that you don't have to deal with the life you have. You feel redundant at work; feel overlooked in life. So your mind makes up this world for you where you're important and special."

"Why?"

"That, I do not know. But I'm here to help you separate your make believe world from the real one so that you can go back to the life you have, and to the people who love you."

"Like Ianto…"

"Yes. Like Ianto."

Jack said nothing. Was she right? He knew deep down that his memories often were too good to be true. Maybe she was right. She had a point that the life she said he lived was boring and maybe he just wanted to feel important. No, he couldn't let himself think like that. He knew he was right. He knew that his memories were real. But that little voice in him still nagged him about Jane being right.

He didn't have much time left to think before Jane began to talk again.

"I'm sorry Jack, but we're out of time for today."

He looked up at her just as the door opened and Mark came in. He had the jacket in his hand and Jack felt the beginning of a panic attack coming. Jane must have seen it because she immediately turned to Mark.

"He can do without the jacket. He's calm."

"I'm sorry, Doctor," Mark said as he came closer. "Orders are that he's supposed to have the jacket when he's in the common room so that he can't hurt anyone."

"I'm his Doctor and I am telling you that it's not necessary."

"Sorry Doc. Your boss's orders," he said with a sad shrug.

"Fine." She turned to Jack again and put a hand on his knee. "Don't worry, Jack. I'll talk to them. I see no reason for you to have it on. But it's just for today. Okay?"

Jack nodded as Mark began to strap the jacket on him, taking away the little freedom he had left.

* * *

Before he was left in the common room Jack was given a shot with mild sedatives to keep him calm. Then Mark sat him down in an armchair and left to go do his other duties.

Jack felt himself go numb again. His body became fuzzy, but this time he could still think. The thoughts about the session whirled through him. Like so many times since he got here he tried to decide if Jane spoke the truth or not. Everything she said felt so real, but so did his own memories. He was so confused. He needed answers. But he knew that no one could tell him, he had to find them for himself. He had to get hold of that file.

His head was suddenly pulled back and when he managed to focus his gaze he saw the bruised face of John Hart staring back at him. Jack tried to smile the most charming smile he could, but his body didn't respond so it became more of a grin.

"Dosed out, are we?" John said, tilting his head to the side.

"How's your face?" Jack spluttered.

"Been worse, Jackie-boy. Much worse."

Jack grinned.

"I know."

John let go of Jack's head and it fell back to his chest. Jack wanted to protest but before he got a sound over his lips John straddled him and put his hands on Jack's shoulders. With huge effort Jack managed to lift his head and hold it somewhat in level with John's. John tilted his head to the side once more looking Jack deeply in the eyes.

"The bird'd trying to make you coco?"

"What?" Jack looked at him with confusion in his eyes.

"Did the bird trying to make you coco?" John said again, pronouncing every word very clear.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You're no fun," John pouted and playfully slapped Jacks cheek. "Was the shrink trying to make you think you're crazy?"

"Oh. Yeah." Jack felt a bit stupid that he didn't understand that. But he blamed the drugs he'd been given.

"Well," John said and crossed his arms. "You're not crazy. No. Not one bit."

Then he leaned forwards until his lips almost touched Jack's ear. The hot breath sent shivers down Jack's body, bringing old memories back.

"She's the crazy one, Jackie," he whispered. "They all are. And we're sane. Yes we are."

He blew hard in Jacks ear and made him shake his head violently. The movement made Jack dizzy and John laughed again.

When the dizziness faded Jack could think about what John had said. John was once again confirming what he himself was feeling. But he didn't know if it was comforting or not that the only seemingly sane voice in this place came from the most insane person he knew.

But the fact that John was the only one here that believed that Jack wasn't crazy made him an ally, someone he could trust. Jack had to laugh a little at that thought. Trust John? Now that was crazy. Maybe he did belong here for just thinking that. But he suddenly could see a way to get that file from Doctor Jane.

"John," Jack said with a sly smile. "I need your help."

"I'm all ears," John said smiling putting his elbows on Jack's chest and rested his head in his hands.

* * *

"You can do that?" Jack asked after explaining his plan.

John gave him a crooked smile.

"Trust me," he said and planted a kiss on Jack's lips before jumping of his lap and walking away.

Jack sighed and let his head fall back.

"I do, and I must be crazy for doing so."

He laughed. Now all he had to do was wait until the next day when he could get to work.

* * *

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	6. Chapter 6

**Disclamer: I think that I don't own Torchwood. And I'm usually right when I think.**

**AN: Here you go. Another chapter for you.  
A huge thanks to all of you who left reviews. I love you all and treasure every thought you have.  
And another huge thanks to all of you who silently stalks me. I write for you all.**

**And thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta.**

* * *

Jack woke up early. Long before Mark would come to his room and hand him the pills. He was still trapped in the jacket so he could hardly move. But despite that he managed to sit up against the wall.

His mind was clear. For the first time since he got here he could think straight. The medicine must have worn off during the night. He knew that if he put his mind to it, he could break out of the jacket. But that would do him no good as he couldn't leave the room. So he decided to wait. This was the day that he would get hold of that file Doctor Jane had about him. He had to read it. There could be clues on to what was going on here. And John would help him get it.

He grimaced at the thought of getting help from John, the man he had no trust in; the man who, on more than one occasion, had tried to kill him. But this time John was the only one who could help him. They had worked out a plan the day before. It wasn't a very good plan, but it was the best Jack could think of. All he could do now was to hope that everything went as he'd like it to.

Even though he tried, he could not help but think about the sessions with Doctor Jane. His mind kept nagging him; telling him to let go of what he thought were his real memories and just listen to her. He thought about the things she'd told him about the memories he had. When she told him about it, it all felt so real. And when he thought about it, he could almost feel it in his heart. But the problem was that he couldn't remember anything else. Nothing about his childhood. Nothing about his family. Nothing about his friends. Nothing. All he knew from the life Doctor Jane told him about was just that, the things she told him. Maybe he was sicker than he thought. No, he was not sick. John had told him that. But then again, it was John who had told him. And John was crazy.

He didn't get any further in his thoughts before the door was opened and Mark came in, pills in hand.

"God morning, Jack. Up already?"

Jack smiled.

"Well, I don't like being caught in bed if I don't get to have any fun." He winked at Mark who just laughed.

"Glad to see that you still have your humour intact. And now: pills. You know the drill."

Jack nodded and opened his mouth. Mark came up to him, putting the pills in his mouth and gave him some water. Jack didn't like this, but he knew that he had to take the pills. He had to play along in order to figure everything out. He swallowed the pills and opened his mouth again.

"Good boy," Mark said with a smile, before heading back to the door. "The nurse will be here soon with breakfast before taking you to the common room."

"Thanks." Jack answered as the door closed.

He let his head fall back against the wall and felt the numbness sneak up to him, surrounding him like a warm blanket. The cotton was back in his head, making every thought he would have fluffy and hard to reach.

He almost wasn't aware of the nurse coming to feed him and take him away from his room.

* * *

Without really knowing how he got there, Jack found himself in an arm-chair in the common room again. He sat there, sharing the blank stare of all those high on different medicines. Wanting to break out of the drugs' hold on him he started to move. That only resulted in his head tilting to the side and landing on his shoulder. He heard laughter beside him and moved his eyes to see who it was. And just as he thought: John stood by the wall grinning at him. Jack shot him a questioning look, asking if he was ready. John nodded and threw a mock kiss at Jack before walking out of sight.

Now all Jack had to do was to wait to be called to Doctor Jane and their session.

* * *

A few hours later Jack was once more dragged to Doctor Jane's office and sat down on the couch. And once again Doctor Jane had to tell Mark to take the jacket off of Jack so that he would feel safe. And whilst Mark took the jacket off, Jack looked over at Doctor Jane's desk and saw the file laying there. He just hoped that it was his, otherwise it would be hard to find it.

When they were alone in the room, Jane smiled apologetically at Jack.

"I'm sorry I couldn't make them take away the jacket. I talked to my boss and told him that you weren't going to hurt anyone. But he wouldn't listen."

Jack could hear the sincerity in her voice and gave her a quick smile.

"But I'll keep talking to him. You don't need it."

"Maybe I do."

"Jack," she said looking him straight into his eyes. "You're not a violent person."

"But I attacked John."

"Yes, and that's what we're going to talk about today."

She leaned back in her chair and smiled at him.

"Tell me about the relationship between you and John."

Jack sighed. He did not want to talk about this. If it was up to him he would never think about John again, let alone talk about him. But he had decided to play along. And he knew that something would happen very soon. So he smiled.

"We go back. We were at the Time Agency together. Jumping in time, playing spies, doing missions, doing each other."

"You were lovers?" this was news to Jane. She didn't know the two men knew each other in the first place.

"You could call it that. But I don't know how much 'love' was involved."

He chuckled, memories about that time coming back to him. But he wasn't allowed to keep them there as Jane began to talk again.

"What happened between you?"

"I don't know. We just…lost contact," Jack shrugged. "Not that I mind though. I hate his guts. But then one day he decided to come through that bloody rift and just waltz back into my life and screw it up again."

He laughed.

"You have no idea of how much I would like to rip that bloody smile off his face." He clenched his fists and ripped through an imaginary face in front of him.

"You should be careful with what you say," Jane smiled. "Talk like that might keep you in that jacket for a long time."

"Sorry," Jack said quietly, looking down at the floor.

"It's okay. It's your feelings, and you have the right to have them."

Before Jack could answer there were a small knock on the door before it opened and a young nurse came in.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Doctor," the nurse said nervously. "But you have to come with me."

"Why?" Jane asked, clearly annoyed by the interruption. "I'm in the middle of a session."

"Er…"the nurse began. "It's Mr Hart. He's locked himself in a closet, and he won't come out until he speaks to you."

Jack had to suppress a laugh. John, in a closet? Oh, the irony of that. But Jane didn't seem to think it was funny.

"So? He'll just has to wait until I'm done here."

"I wouldn't come here if it wasn't an emergency Doctor. He's in the medicine storage."

Jane's face fell a bit.

"Oh," she said before turning to Jack. "I'm sorry Jack, but we have to cut this session short. I have to get John."

She got up from the chair before she continued.

"Natalie, can you please put Jack's jacket back on and escort him back to the common room?"

The nurse nodded and Jack began to panic. This was not part of the plan. He had to think of something.

"But I can stay here. Maybe it won't take so long, and we can continue when you're done."

He smiled and crossed every finger he had.

"I'm sorry. But we'll have to continue this on Monday."

She left the room.

As Natalie the nurse helped Jack into the jacket again, he looked over at the desk and saw the file staring back at him. So close, yet so far away. He cursed under his breath as he was led out of the office and back to the common room.

* * *

Left alone in another arm-chair, Jack cursed himself for the failed plan. He'd forgotten to think about the fact that Doctor Jane may not want to leave him alone. How could he have forgotten to consider that? He blamed the drugs. But even if the plan failed he had gotten proof that John was to be trusted. In some ways, anyway. He still thought that the world would be a better place if John was six feet under, but right now he needed the man.

He wondered how John was doing, if he knew that the plan had failed. Jack just had to wait until John came back. Then they could discuss another plan.

As Jack sat and tried to think of something else to do, Natalie the nurse came up to him with his afternoon pills. Jack sighed. He did not want any more pills. He wanted his head to stay clear. He wanted to be able to think straight. But he knew that was impossible. He had to take the pills or they would force them into him.

He smiled at the nurse and obeyed her before he drifted back into the fluffy world they wanted him to stay in.

* * *

The shrill shriek from the doorbell woke Owen up in the middle of the night. He really hated being woken up when it was dark out. He threw a quick glance at the door to the guest room and saw that it was open. So Ianto wasn't home yet. Perhaps he'd forgotten his key. So Owen went to the front door and unlocked it.

"Does this belong to you?"

The sudden light blinded Owen for a second, but he knew the voice. It was Tosh. He blinked a few times before he could focus. Then he saw Tosh standing in the hallway, holding Ianto up. It looked as though she struggled to keep him upright; he hung over her.

"What's happened?" Owen asked as he put an arm around Ianto and, with Tosh's help, got him into the apartment.

"I have no idea. I found him like this down on the street. I think he was looking for this house."

"What were you doing outside at this hour?"

Tosh squirmed a little and blushed slightly.

"I was on my way to see Tommy."

"At this hour?" Owen smiled at her.

She just nodded.

They came into the guest room and put Ianto down on the bed. His body was too limp to keep himself upright, so he just quietly fell down. Owen sighed and led Tosh back to the door.

"Thanks for bringing him in."

"You sure you can take care of him?" He could hear the worry in her voice and he understood her. She'd never seen Ianto like this, no one had. No one except for Owen.

"I'm sure. You go and have fun with Tommy."

She smiled and blushed again.

"You deserve this, Tosh. You really do."

"Thanks, Owen."

She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and a quick hug before turning towards the door.

"Good luck with Ianto. See you on Monday."

"Yeah. Night."

"Night."

And she closed the door behind her. Owen sighed again and went back to Ianto who was still lying on the bed.

"Okay, Yan," he began. "We can do this the hard way, or the easy way. Your choice. But your clothes are coming off, one way or another."

Ianto mumbled something incoherent and Owen walked up to him and began to unbutton Ianto's shirt. Ianto slurred something Owen couldn't understand, probably in welsh, and the stink from his breath made Owen turn away.

"God, Ianto. I've told you to stay away from the whisky if you're gonna get drunk. You bloody stink."

With the lack of response, Owen continued to take Ianto's clothes off because he knew that Ianto didn't like the wrinkles that came after sleeping in them.

Ianto did try to make it easy for Owen, but Owen had a hard time knowing if it really was easier or not. But soon he'd taken off everything but Ianto's undershirt and boxers. He decided that Ianto could sleep in those.

He sat down next to Ianto and began caressing and stroking his hair whilst fighting his own feelings.

"Why, Ianto? Why do you do this to yourself?"

"I'm lost," Ianto whispered. He spluttered, but Owen understood. "I'm lost without him."

"You can't find yourself in the bottom of a bottle."

"I can try…"

"Don't do this, Ianto."

When he didn't get any reply Owen looked down and saw that Ianto's eyes where shut and he breathed heavily. From the looks of it, he was sleeping. Owen closed his eyes and shook his head. He felt so helpless.

He softly stroked Ianto's cheek before getting up from the bed. But before he could take his first step Ianto grabbed hold of his hand.

"Please," he begged. "Don't leave."

The words broke Owens heart. He smiled at his friend and squeezed his hand.

"Never," he answered and lay down on the bed next to Ianto.

Ianto moved closer to him, almost snuggling into his side, trying to get as much human contact as needed. Owen smiled and put an arm around him. He could feel Ianto relax and soon he felt the calm breaths from the sleeping man.

Owen himself laid awake for a moment and let his thoughts wander about this situation. He would have to have a serious talk to Ianto about everything. But not now. Now he needed every moment of calmness he could get.

* * *

Jack didn't get to meet John again until the next evening. He'd just been fed his dinner as John came through the doors, escorted by Mark. He was seated in a couch and just stayed there.

So when Mark left the room Jack made his way over to John. He sat down on the other end of the couch just looking at him.

"Got the file, Jackie?" John mumbled.

Jack looked at him. The dull gaze in his eyes was one that Jack now knew all too well.

"What happened to you?" Jack had to ask. Not that he cared, but something had been done to John.

"None of your business, Captain," John snorted. "You got the file?"

"No." Jack shook his head and suddenly he felt ashamed for not doing his part of the plan.

"Why?"

Jack sighed and laughed.

"Because it never occurred to me that the good Doctor may not want me alone in her office. When she went to you I was back in this bloody jacket and led back to this bloody room."

"Language please," John smirked.

"You're the one to talk. Nice touch though with the closet. Almost laughed when they said it."

"Well," John shrugged with a smile. "Anything for the audience."

John looked up and Jack met his gaze. He could see a small twinkle in the eyes and figured that John would be just fine. So instead of dwelling on what'd happen he continued on with their next project.

"We need a new plan."

"Nah," John said shaking his head. "You can't do anything on your own."

"I have you."

John smirked.

"In your dreams, Jackie-boy."

"We'll see about that…" Jack winked.

No, he had to stop this. He wasn't here to flirt with John. He hated John. He just had to remember that and focus on getting out of here instead.

"There's one way that might work," John slowly said, putting much thought in every word.

"Yeah?" Jack was curious.

"There's a guy you could ask. The ginger janitor. He provides us with what we need in here."

"The ginger janitor? Who's that?"

Jack looked around and saw one janitor walking along the wall, but that man was blond.

"He has weekends off."

"And he could help?"

"He helps the patients," John shrugged. "Helps them a lot."

"Why didn't you tell me this yesterday huh? Before I came up with my stupid plan?"

"You already had that stupid plan. And besides, I didn't think about it until today."

Jack thought for a moment. Was it safe to involve another person in his plans to get the truth? He didn't want to, but he had a feeling that John was right. There was no other way. And he had to be able to trust John. So with a sigh he gave in.

"Fine. Tell me who he is and I'll talk to him when I see him."

John smiled wickedly against him, knowing that he'd won this time.

"He's name's Adam."

* * *

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	7. Chapter 7

**Disclamer: In this story I just own this idea. Nothing more. Okay?**

**AN: A huge thanks to all of you who reads this story. I love you all so much.  
And thank you all who reviews. Your thoughts means so much to me.  
And thanks to all of you silent salkers that has this one on alert. I write this story for all of you**

**And thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta  
**

* * *

It was Monday morning. Jane sat outside her boss's office and waited to be called inside. She had much to talk to him about. She scanneed through her notebook to make sure she wouldn't forget anything.

"Doctor Brody?"

Jane looked up and saw the secretary standing there. She smiled at her.

"You may go in now. Doctor Smith is expecting you."

"Thank you, Deb," Jane said, and got up.

She entered Doctor Smith's office that was much bigger than hers. On the wall behind his desk all his diplomas hung, almost too many for the wall to handle. Doctor Smith sat behind his desk and looked up when Jane entered.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked, looking at her from behind his thick glasses.

Jane cleared her throat and sat down opposite him on a chair.

"Yes. I want to talk to you about Mr Harkness."

"I see."

He leaned back in his arm-chair and crossed his arms.

"I don't think he should be kept in a straightjacket. He's not a dangerous man."

"May I remind you that he attacked another patient."

"I know. But that was a one time thing. He was upset. You see, during the night he'd suffered a breakdown and deterioration. It was like nothing in the past ten months ever happened. He was scared and confused. It was a natural response."

"And now?"

"He's still confused. But not dangerous. And I believe that keeping him tied up will be bad for him."

"And what about the patient he attacked?"

Jane suppressed a sigh. She hated to deal with her boss. She couldn't stand the man. But she had to, and she just had to act like she liked him.

"I've gotten reports about the two of them talking like civilised people during the weekend. And I will talk to Mr Harkness about it today."

Doctor Smith sat, quiet for a while. He looked down on the papers lying in front of him. It was a copy of every paper that Jane had about Jack. He knew that Jack wasn't violent, but he had to keep every patients best interest at heart. Then he made a decision.

"I agree with you that he's not dangerous. But considering he did attack Mr Hart, we have to take certain precautions."

"Then just give him some mild sedatives and keep him out of the jacket. He doesn't need both."

"You talk to him today about the attack. Make an assessment about his violent outburst and come back to me. If I find it adequate I will let him out of the jacket and just keep him on the sedatives. If not, he stays on both."

Jane knew that she wouldn't win if she continued to argue. So she bit her lip and nodded, knowing she did what was best for Jack.

"Good. Now leave. I have other meetings to tend to."

"Thank you Doctor Smith. I'll give you the report after the session."

She left the room and sighed. She really wanted to help Jack out of the jacket, but she knew that Doctor Smith was right. They had to think about all of the patients, not just about Jack. But she would sit down with him in a few hours and talk him through the little fight and hopefully find that he doesn't need to hit the other man again.

* * *

All morning Jack sat in the common room trying his best to get his head clear again. He didn't want to be fuzzy in the head and he wanted to be able to focus on what he was doing. He had to keep his head clear so that he could find this Adam that John told him about. But nowhere could he see the ginger man. Although that could be because he still had a hard time focusing his gaze on anything.

He knew that John was lurking somewhere in the corners of the room. He snorted at the thought of John. He still couldn't believe that he actually trusted him. But Jack knew that he had too as John believed in him.

Jack could feel every though he had become easier to reach. He could almost grab hold of them now. As he lifted his head he could almost use his eyes like he used too. His environment was still a bit blurry, but not as much as a few minutes ago.

Suddenly he felt someone blow cool air at his neck. He quickly turned around; causing the world to madly spin around him. He closed his eyes and breathed hard to slow it down. The cold laugh that followed told him that it was John standing by him.

As he opened his eyes again he shot John an evil glare. John just rolled his eyes and smiled.

"Over there," John said, pointing towards one of the corridors.

Jack looked over there and saw a ginger man standing there by a trolley filled with cleaning supplies.

"Adam?" Jack asked, and John nodded.

Jack knew that he had to make his move now. If he didn't do it now, he might back out, or try to think of something else to do instead. But he still wasn't entirely sure about bringing another person into his plans. One look at John told him to get moving, or else it will be too late.

So Jack tried to get up from the couch where he sat, but found it hard as he still had his arms in restraint. John seemed to notice his dilemma as he walked around the couch so that he was standing in front of Jack. Then he gave him a wicked smile before taking hold of Jack's shoulders and yanking him to his feet.

The sudden movement made Jack almost lose his balance and left him swaying for a few seconds, much to John's amusement.

"Shut up," Jack hissed as he regained his balance, and made his way over to the janitor.

Jack tried to look casual as he strode through the common room all the way over to the far end of it where one of the corridors took off. As he went he tried to think of the best approach; should he take it easy and try small talk first, or should he get right down to business? Should he be laid back or forward? Should he act like the Captain or just like Jack? And since he couldn't choose, he decided to take it like it came, not thinking too much about it.

When Jack finally came up to Adam, he stopped, not knowing what to do. He stood there for a few seconds just looking down at Adam's neck before the other man turned around.

"Yes?" Adam said, with a small smirk.

"Adam?" Jack said, and felt quite stupid.

"Yes."

"I'm Jack. John told me you could help me."

Adam looked at him for a moment and smiled.

"You want to get out of that jacket?"

"What?" Jack looked confused before he understood what Adam meant. "No. Not that. I'll take care of that myself. No. I need your help with something else."

Adam crossed his arms and judgingly looked at Jack for a moment.

"Spill."

"I need to get hold of my file."

"You want to read your file?" Adam snorted.

"Yes. I have to know what's in it."

Adam bit his lip, and thought about it for a second.

"Sure. I'll get it. Who's your Doctor?"

Jack couldn't believe it. Was it this easy to get something he wanted? Then why hadn't he tried before?

"Doctor Brody."

"It's your lucky day man, I'm gonna clean her office later tonight."

"So you'll get the file tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Great."

Then Jack could hear a small voice in the back of his head telling him to be careful. If something seemed too good to be true, it usually was. He took a small step backwards and looked at Adam again, more suspicious this time.

"What's it gonna cost me?"

Adam gave him a wide grin.

"First favour's for free. Then you can pay me for the others."

"I only want one favour."

"That's what they all say," Adam sneered. "But they always come back for more."

"Yeah, well. Not me. I just want you to get the file."

"Sure thing."

Jack wanted to say something more. He wanted to ask about the favour, and ask what others wanted from him. But before he had found the right words Adam turned to his trolley again and began to walk off.

"I need to work. I'll get the file later."

And before Jack had the time to answer, Adam took off into some room and disappeared.

Jack looked after him for a moment before heading back to the couch where John was lying down. He'd gotten what he wanted. Adam would take the file and bring it to him. And it was for free, because it was only one favour. Everything would work out fine. Then why did he have that feeling in his stomach, that he was going to regret it all?

* * *

Once again Jack sat opposite Jane in her office and tried to decide what he should tell her today. She looked at him with a reassuring smile.

"I talked to my boss about letting you out of the jacket," she said and Jack hoped that she had good answers. He didn't like that jacket one bit. He felt trapped. And if he felt trapped he was quick to panic, and he was already in a foul mood.

"And?"

"You should be getting out of it by tomorrow."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

But the look in her eyes told him otherwise. She wasn't sure. And he could see it so clearly. But he hoped that she was right.

"Now I want to continue where we left off last time," she said and leaned back in her chair.

Jack suppressed a sigh. He didn't want to continue to talk about John. Still, he had the feeling that that subject was the root of him getting out of the jacket.

"What do you want to know?" he said with what he hoped was an easy tone.

"You said that you and John were friends and lovers when you were young…"

"So?"

"Tell me about it."

"What is there to tell?" Jack laughed. "We were the same age, had the same charming appearance. Though he's more shabby. To put it this way, we were young and horny. That's why we became 'lovers' as you like to call it. But friends? No. Never."

"Why did you attack him when you saw him?"

"I told you. He said he knew about Gray."

Jane sat, silent for a moment, looking at him. And it was a look that made Jack squirm in his seat. He felt like she was looking straight through him, searching for the truth. Because he knew himself that he didn't tell her the truth.

"Tell me about the last time you met. Before him turning up in your life again."

"You mean the last time before we lost contact?"

"Yes."

Jack sighed. It was so long ago. He'd been a different man back then. It was a life he didn't want to think about. Nothing good had come from it. He could tell her the truth about it. But how could he when he didn't want to acknowledge it himself?

"It's complicated," he began, still searching for the right words. "It was a few weeks after a huge fight. We'd accused each other for almost everything. And we ended it by beating the shit out of each other. So when we met it was in a pub. We sat down, talked about nothing. Just like we always did. And before we left we decided to meet the next day again. But the 'next day' never came. We just didn't meet again."

"So you left with unresolved issues?"

"You could say that."

"What led up to the huge fight?"

Jack smirked. He knew what had led up to it. It was everything; all the scams, all the shagging, all the cheating, all the lying, all the travelling. It was everything. But how could he tell Jane that? Because if he told her how he remembered everything, she would just tell him that he was wrong. But the look in her eyes the other day when he told her that he knew John told Jack that she didn't know, that it had all come as a surprise to her. Maybe they didn't know each other in this life. But if they didn't know each other, then how come John knew who Jack was that day? To that Jack had no answers.

He saw the look Jane gave him and he knew that he had to come up with something to tell her.

"It was a stupid fight really. I think it was because we'd been too close for too long. And that everything the other did was annoying. I began to hate him, and I guess that he hated me too. So when we met in the pub it was just empty talk. Nothing personal, just…I don't know…superficial conversation without meaning."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"About what?"

"It seems that you two had a very deep and emotional relationship even if you don't think about it like that. But just the fact that it was the little things that made you have a row like that tells me that you meant more for each other than you want to let show."

Jack looked at her. He didn't know what to say, because he knew that she was right. One time, long ago, he had actually loved John. But that was in the past. He had been young and stupid. And he had been a conman. Perhaps he'd conned his own heart? But he didn't know in what way. Was it in to loving John or in to hating him?

"I was told that you and John have been talking this weekend," Doctor Jane continued.

Jack nodded and wondered where she was going with this.

"Would you mind telling me what about?"

Jack gulped. Did she know about the plan? Did she know that he wanted to steal the files? The soft smile on her lips and the hopeful look in her eyes told him no, but he didn't know for sure.

"I apologised for hitting him and we just continued to talk."

"That's good. And do you still want to hurt him?"

_Yes_, he wanted to say. He wanted to scream it. He still dreamed about destroying that handsome face; ripping that mocking smile from him; tearing out those lusting eyes from their sockets. He wanted to make sure that John never recovered again.

"No," he smiled, hoping that it looked innocent and honest.

Jane smiled at him and he knew that he'd succeeded. He leaned back into the couch and relaxed, this was going great.

* * *

After their session Jane sat behind her desk writing down everything Jack had told her. She also put in her own reflections on the conversation. She had to finish this quickly if she was to get to Doctor Smith before he left for the day. If she missed him, Jack would be stuck in the jacket for another day. And Jane knew that the sooner Jack got out of that jacket, the sooner he could feel comfortable and safe again. Besides, she had told him that she would make sure that he got out of it before long.

She finished her writing and printed out two copies of the document; on for Doctor Smith and one for her own file. But before getting ready to leave it to her boss, she read through it once more. She'd written everything she'd heard and thought about during their meeting; all the details about Jack and John. She knew that she'd gotten it all in there, but she still had the feeling that there was something that she had missed. Something significant. She didn't know why, but she had a feeling that Jack knew more about the matter than he wanted to tell her. But that suspicion she kept to herself because she knew that if Doctor Smith found out about it, he would not changes his orders.

She put one of the papers in her file and walked over to the filing cabinet she had next to the door. She put the file down in it's spot and went back to get the other paper. She folded it neatly before leaving the room. At, the door she almost ran into the janitor.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, as she smiled apologetically at him.

"No worries, Doctor," Adam smiled back. "Leaving for the day?"

"Almost. I just have to get this paper to Doctor Smith first."

"Then you should hurry. I think he was about to leave."

Jane looked down on her watch. He was right. It was almost five, and Doctor Smith always left at five.

"Thank you. Have a great evening."

"You too," he said after her as she rushed down the corridor.

Adam smirked before entering her office to start the cleaning. Just to make sure that he wouldn't be surprised by her coming back when he copied her file he started to dust the shelves in her bookcase.

* * *

Twenty minutes later he was sure that she had left for the day. He made his way to the filing cabinet and smiled to himself as he found it unlocked. This was easier than he thought.

It didn't take him long to find the file he was looking for. He took it out and sat down to read a bit from it, wanting to know more about the man.

"This is gonna be fun," he said to himself later when he was done with the reading.

He went over to the copy machine and began printing out is own copy of the file. He now had all the information he needed.

As he turned the machine off he hid the file under his shirt and put the original back into the cabinet. He made sure that he had cleaned everything and made his way back to the door. And as he locked the door behind him he couldn't help but to look forward to they payment he was going to get.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclamer: I don't own Torchwood. If I did, it would be known as The Janto Show.**

**AN: Now the next chapter finaly comes :) Hope that you'll all like it.  
Thank you all who reviews this story, I love to hear what you think.  
Thank you all who silently stalks me.  
I write for you all.**

**And a _huge _thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta and for all of the time she spends listening to me ranting about this story and for helping me so much.**

**WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!  
****This chapter contains dark themes and abuse.  
Don't like, don't read.**

* * *

The next morning, Jack came back from his dreams by someone gently shaking him. He mumbled something and turned over to his other side, away from the person shaking him. He didn't want to wake up. But the shaking didn't stop. Instead it increased.

"Jack, you need to wake up," a voice called.

Jack tried to bat the hand shaking him away, but couldn't move his arms. They lay around his body, still in the restraint. Jack became irritated and mumbled something that could be a curse.

When the shaking didn't stop, he opened his eyes and turned to the person shaking him.

"What?" he spat.

Mark smiled down at him.

"Morning, sunshine. Quite the temper you have." He smirked and Jack mumbled under his breath.

Jack was not in the mood for chitchat. He'd been woken from a nice dream about anywhere but here and he didn't like the fact that the dream had ended far too soon for his liking. But he decided that he shouldn't take it out on someone else, so instead he took a deep breath and smiled at Mark.

Mark now sat behind him and looked down on him.

"I have good news for you, Jack," he said.

Jack said nothing, just looked up at him with a question in his eyes.

"You can take the pills on your own today."

Jack was confused. How was that good news? Good news for him would have been that he wouldn't take any more pills at all.

Then he felt that Mark helped him to sit up. Still tired he sat leaning forwards, almost falling over into his own lap. But suddenly he felt Mark begin to fiddle with the restraints in his back. And soon enough his arms were let free and Mark helped him take the jacket off.

Jack turned his head to Mark and was met by a smile.

"The doctors don't think you need that one anymore."

All Jack could do was to smile back. He had no witty comebacks or comments about being loose again, he just felt stunned; happy to finally be able to move freely again.

He didn't even complain when Mark gave him all of his pills and he even swallowed all of them with a smile. He didn't care much that his mind and body went numb; at least he was free from his restraints.

* * *

In the common room, Jack sat in one corner of the couch with his legs up against his chest and his arms wrapped around them. It felt nice to be able to move like he wanted to. Whilst looking around in the room trying to find Adam, he rested his head against his shoulder. He was tired. And it was not because of the pills. He'd had a very vivid dream during the night and had been unable to sleep. Now, he couldn't tell what the dream had been about, just that it had been a lot of running and shouting. And someone had been calling his name over and over, and he'd not been able to reach however was calling.

John was nowhere to be found and a part of Jack was worried. Not that he cared all that much, but John knew things about what Jack was up to. Things that the authorities didn't need to know. Still, he knew that John would never rat him out. He'd never done so in the past, so why would he start now.

When Jack couldn't find Adam anywhere, he turned his attention to the windows. It was a grey day outside. Not that it rained, but the sky was full of clouds and it appeared to be windy too. Jack could see one of the trees outside rock in the harsh wind. He shivered. On days like these he would always stand on top of a tall building and let the wind run through him; threatening to throw him off. Days like these always made him feel free, made him feel that there was nothing he couldn't do. But not today. Today he just wanted to crawl up under a warm blanket and wait for the day to come to an end.

Jack felt a soft hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Mark standing there. He smiled softly and Jack quickly returned the smile before turning back to the window.

"Am I going to Doctor Jane's now?" Jack asked.

"Not today, Jack," Mark said and let go of the shoulder.

Once more, Jack looked over at him, without saying anything.

"Doctor Jane is not here today," Mark continued. "So instead we're gonna take a walk."

"Outside?" Jack shivered again.

"Yes. You need some fresh air. I'll be right back."

Jack looked after him as he went away, thoughts running through his head. Why wasn't he going to see Jane today? Had he done something wrong? No, that couldn't be it. He'd gotten out off the jacket, so he knew that he'd been good. But why wouldn't Jane see him? He felt uneasy. Something was wrong, and he didn't like it. He began to breathe faster, more shallow. Soon he was hyperventilating and had a hard time getting all the air he needed. His face was beginning to go numb. He couldn't feel it anymore. His heart was beating hard. Threatening to break out of his chest. He began to stir. Trying to get away from himself. He hugged his legs harder. Began rocking back and forward. Trying to get some air. Black dots began to flash through his vision. They grew bigger. Black flashing before his eyes. Body going numb.

Suddenly he felt a strong hand on his shoulder.

"Jack?"

But Jack couldn't respond. All he could do was trying not to panic as he felt like he was about to pass out.

"Jack!" The voice said again. In the back of his mind Jack registered it as Mark's voice.

A second hand on his other shoulder was added.

"Jack, look at me."

He tried to obey. Lifting his head he could see Mark's face in between the black flashes.

"Jack. Listen to me. You need to calm down. Breathe. Slowly."

Jack tried to do as he was told. Tried to breathe deep and slowly, but his lungs wouldn't cooperate.

"In. Out. In. Out. Breathe with me Jack. In. Out. In. Out."

With the guidance from the words, Jack managed to slow his breathing down. He could feel the air fill his lungs and with that his heart slowed down and the black before his eyes disappeared.

"There you go, Jack. No need to panic."

Jack was finally able to focus on Mark and gave him a faint smile, still scared from his reaction.

"I had to bring your jacket and shoes. It's quite cold outside today."

Mark smiled calmly and his calm made Jack feel comfortable again.

* * *

The wind ruffled Jack's hair, and he couldn't help but smile. He hadn't been outside for as long as he could remember, and he loved the feel of fresh air running through his body. His mind got clearer by the second. Mark walked beside him, making sure that he didn't make a run for it. But he didn't have to worry, Jack had other plans.

They walked slowly. Jack knew that it was because of him that they took their time. But he didn't mind. It was nice to take it slow.

"What day is it today?" Jack asked and casually kicked a stone.

"Tuesday," Mark answers. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Jack shrugged.

They walked in silence for a while. Jack listened to the wind howling and he smiled. In two days he would get to see Ianto again, and then he could ask more about what was happening. But before that, he would know more about his situation. He couldn't wait until the evening when he would see Adam and get the file. If he could only get rid of the uneasy feeling he kept having towards the man…

"Where's Doctor Jane?" Jack asked just to keep his mind on something else.

He could see Marks smile falter a little as the man tried to find an appropriate answer.

"She's having a few days off," he finally said.

"Why?"

There's sadness in his eyes when Mark looked up at Jack.

"That's not for me to tell you. But she'll be back in just a few days"

"Promise?"

"Would I lie to you?" The smile was reassuring, but Jack didn't know. He had no memories of this man. He didn't know if the could trust him or not. Didn't know anything about their relationship. So instead of answering the question, Jack just smiled and went back to watching the trees and the leafs dancing in the wind. Jack closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting the chilly September afternoon fill every inch of him.

When he opened his eyes again he couldn't help but smile. He felt so alive. He turned to Mark and laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Just the wind, the nature. Being outside."

"Yeah? Now that you're out of that jacket you'll be getting outside every other day."

"Really?"

"Yes. It's not good for you to be locked up inside all the time."

Jack looked at him for a moment. It sounded like he really cared. Like he really cared about Jack's wellbeing. And Jack couldn't help it, he felt touched.

He stopped for a moment and looked out over the landscape. The institute lay on top of a hill in the outskirts of Cardiff, if he wasn't mistaken. And the hill was surrounded by a high fence. Jack couldn't tell how high, just that it would be high enough for people to be unable to climb over. The only way in and out was through an iron gate. And Jack had a feeling that the gate had security cameras covering the entrance. He looked over at the gate and saw that it was open. But no one seemed to be getting in or out. Maybe it was open during the day. He had to keep checking that out so that he could make his plans.

"I think we should go inside now, Jack," Mark said and put a hand on Jack's shoulder.

Jack turned around and met Mark's eyes.

"But I wanna be outside some more," he said with a pout, looking almost like a child.

"It's cold," Mark said, smiling. "And I don't want you getting sick."

"But…" Jacks lower lip trembled

"That only works on the ladies, Jack."

"Damn." He stopped pouting and began smiling again.

Mark just chuckled and took his arm to lead him inside again.

* * *

It was after dinner and Jack sat in the couch. looking out through the window again. It was getting dark outside and rain clouds were gathering. There would be a storm that night, Jack could feel it. He pulled up his knees to his chin again and just rested his head against them. It felt calming. He hadn't seen Adam all afternoon, and he was getting worried that he'd missed him and would have to wait until the next day to get the file.

He felt a weight next to him and turned his head. John sat down next to him and grinned.

"Did ya miss me?" John asked and put a hand on Jack's shoulder, leaning in closer.

"Like a hangover," Jack snorted and tried to shake the hand off of him.

John laughed and put his head on Jack's knee.

"Why? Why do you have to be so fucking clingy?" Jack pushed away John's head.

"Aw…come on. You know you love me like this," John winked. And Jack couldn't help but laugh. He would never admit it, but it was true.

John began to laugh too and put his feet up on the couch and grabbed hold of his ankles. He began to rock back and forwards, almost slamming in to Jack every time. Jack sighed beginning to get annoyed.

"Why are you here?" Jack finally asked. He knew he'd asked it before, but he wanted an answer.

"Doesn't matter," John shrugged. "I'm here."

"Before I get out of here, I'm gonna make you tell me, you know." Jack sighed. "It doesn't make any sense." The last thing was just a whisper. More to himself than to John.

"It makes more sense than you know," John whispered back. "You just don't know it yet."

Before Jack got the chance to say anything else, John hit him over the head and pointed towards the corridor on their right. Jack looked over and saw Adam leaning against the wall, casually looking over at the couch and trying to get Jack's attention.

Jack got up from the couch and was about to hurry over to Adam. But then he thought that it might look a little suspicious. Instead, he went over to the window first to look outside. It had began raining. A shill went down his spine as the drops smashed against the window and John laughed in the background. Jack closed his eyes for a moment to block everything out. He took a deep breath before opening them again. Then he turned around and started to aimlessly walk towards Adam.

"Going to claim your prize?" John yelled after him. "Going for the gold?"

Jack wanted to run back and strangle him. Everyone had heard that, and now they would all be looking at him. He cursed and looked around; just to find that no one had as much as lifted their head in his direction. He sighed in relief and continued towards Adam.

When Jack got over to Adam he was greeted with a light nod. And before Jack got the chance to say something, Adam left the wall and walked over to an open door right next to him. Jack looked at him and Adam nodded that he should follow. So Jack looked around to make sure that no one was looking at him, before he made his way into the room Adam wanted him in.

When he got inside, Adam turned on the light and closed the door behind them. Jack looked around. It was a small office. Not at all like Doctor Jane's, but still it looked like it belonged to a doctor. There were some diplomas on the wall, and if Jack wasn't so impatient about the file he might've had a look around. But now his eyes were on Adam who still stood by the door, smirking.

"Have you got the file?" Jack asked.

"That I do," Adam smiled and pulled out the file from underneath his shirt. "Piece of cake, really."

Jack took a step towards Adam and held out his hand to grab the file. But just before he got his hand on it, Adam pulled it out of reach.

"Ah, ah, ah,…Payment first."

Jack looked at him, confused.

"You said first favour's free. And the favour I asked for was for you to bring me the file."

"Wrong," Adam chuckled. "You asked me to get a copy of the file. You never said anything about handing it over to you."

"But…"

"So I copied the file for free. And if you want you'll have to pay."

Jack got angry. This was not what he had in mind. But that little voice in the back of his head just laughed at him and said: I told you so. He cursed. It was too easy.

Then the thought of payment crossed his mind. He had nothing to pay with. He owned nothing in here. So now it was his turn to smirk.

"How can I pay you? Huh? I don't own a thing." He let out a laugh, but it got stuck in his throat when he saw that Adam's smile didn't falter.

"There's always ways to pay," Adam cooed.

He moved closer to Jack and let a hand ghost over his chest. Jack moved away and came closer to the door. For a second he thought about leaving, but he wanted to hear what Adam had in mind.

Adam looked at him and went over to the desk. He sat down on the edge and flipped through Jack's file for a second in complete silence. It got on Jack's nerves, and finally he snapped.

"What?" he asked and Adam looked up. "What do you want from me?"

A sly smile appeared on Adam's lips and it grew wider as he let his gaze caress Jack's body. Jack squirmed as he felt himself being undressed under Adam's stare.

"I can think of a few things," Adam said with a low voice, licking his lips.

Jack felt disgusted by the tone and did not want to know what would follow. But the fact that the other man had the file he desperately wanted made him stay put.

"I bet that delicious mouth can do wonders…" Adam began.

"Forget it," Jack said and pulled back. "No way. I'm not…forget it…it's not worth it."

He turned around and started to move towards the door as Adam began to chuckle.

"But I've got what you need. And there's some pretty interesting stuff written in here."

He held up the file and Jack couldn't help but to glance over at it. He wanted it so badly. But he would not give in. He bit his lip and put his hand on the door handle.

"You know you want this. You want it bad. And I can give you what you need. If you give me what I need."

Jack stood still. He knew that Adam was right. He wanted that file. No, he needed it. He could take it from Adam, he knew he could. But he also knew that he wasn't at his full strength, so he didn't know if he could succeed if he tried.

"Give me what I need, and I'll give you what you need."

Jack closed his eyes. He needed the file. He had to read it in order to get out. That he knew. And he did it for Ianto. Did it so that he could be with Ianto again. To be with his team again. To get to know what was going on. He was in desperate need of that file. And besides, it wasn't like he hadn't done it before to get what he wanted. Then why did it feel so different?

He sighed. Adam was right.

Slowly, he let go of the handle and moved around. He was defeated. He didn't look up, but he could feel Adam's satisfied smirk on him. As he came up to Adam, he put the file down on the desk.

"Knees. Now." Adam said as he began to pull his zipper down.

He's got to be kidding me, Jack though and had to suppress a laugh. There was so many things Jack could do that would make him be able to get the file without any work at all.

"Don't even think about it," Adam said as if he'd been reading Jack's mind. "I work here, you're a patient. You're crazy. Remember? If you do anything that I don't like, I'll make your life a living hell. Remember that. I have the power here. I have the upper hand. Remember that."

Jack swallowed hard. Suddenly his mouth felt dry. The threat in Adam's voice was real, he knew it. Adam wouldn't hesitate for a second before turning him in if he found it necessary. And there was nothing he could do about that. He had to remember that.

Suddenly he felt Adam's hands in his hair, grasping to keep him steady. Jack closed his eyes. Tried to relax. Tried to disappear.

"Open wide," Adam smirked. And Jack obeyed.

Jack couldn't breathe. He tired to concentrate on anything else but this. He tried to relax. Tried to think of something, anything. Then the movement started. His head was held in place by those hard hands in his hair. He almost choked at the pressure in the back of his throat. Adam felt it because a mixture of moan and laugh slipped from him. Jack forced himself to relax. He tried to picture someone else in his mind. Ianto. He was here with Ianto. The man he loved. No! He couldn't do that. He loved Ianto. He couldn't be a part of this.

Jack felt dizzy. He had troubles breathing. In and out, he had to tell himself. In and out. He tried to block out the sounds Adam made. Tried to forget the motion through his head. Tried to get away from the feeling, the taste. It made him sick. He could feel his stomach turning. His eyes were burning. And even though he tried with all of his heart, he couldn't keep a few persistent tears from falling. He cursed at them when he heard Adam's muffled laugh. He wanted to bite down. Wanted to use all of his strength and just bite down, and then run. Take the file and run. Run and never look back.

"Remember, Jack," Adam huffed as though he knew what Jack was thinking. "Remember, I'm the boss."

And Jack remembered. He couldn't do a damn thing but to sit there. He cursed. He would never forget.

The pace became erratic. The grip in his hair tightened, threatening to pull it out. The moans from Adam increased. Jack wanted to pull back. Wanted to break free. Wanted anything but what was about to come.

"Take it." The words were quiet, but Jack heard them. And just the thought made him sick.

Then there was a low growl from above him and the sticky fluid made its way down Jacks throat. As a reflex, Jack began to swallow. The taste was awful; salty and icky. He began to cough as his mouth suddenly was left empty. He coughed and wiped his moth without even looking up.

"Shit," Adam panted and sat back down on the desk.

He looked down at Jack and laughed as he tried to catch his breath.

"Ianto Jones is a lucky guy," he smiled.

When he heard Ianto's name Jack looked up, anger shooting from him he wanted to attack. He met Adam's smirk and calmed down. He still remembered.

"Getting that mouth every day isn't a bad deal," Adam continued, as if this was the most natural thing in the world.

Jack got back up again and looked over at the file. Adam got the hint and smiled at him. Then he took the file. First he looked at the file, then at Jack, and back at the file again. He licked his lips before opening the file up and taking out a few pages. He looked at Jack and handed over the pages.

Jack looked at him with disbelief.

"What? You don't want the papers?" Adam asked innocently.

"You got your payment. I want my file."

"Nah," Adam chuckled. "You don't really think that I'd give up a treat like this that easy? No, I want to enjoy this."

He left the desk and put the rest of the file back under his shirt. Then he threw the papers at Jack and went to the door. Before he opened it he turned around and saw Jack picking up the papers.

"Come back when you want more," he winked. "And remember…shush." He put a finger to his lips and left the room.

Jack was left alone. He tried not to think. Not to feel. He just took the papers and hid them under his own shirt and left the room. If he didn't think about it, it might not have happened. He thought about breathing. Thought about keeping his heart at ease.

* * *

When he came to the common room again he saw John still sitting on the couch. He wanted to run over and strangle the man. This was all John's fault. It was John who had suggested it.

"Got your prize now?" John yelled at him and began laughing.

At that Jack felt his stomach turn and he threw himself over the nearest bin and just threw up. He threw up everything. He wanted nothing more than to get rid of the taste. That foul taste that lingered on his tongue. His emotions took over and the threw up all the anger, all the hate, all the disgust, all the tears. He heard himself curse, but didn't know what he said. A new wave came over him and he threw up his dinner. And with that, his stomach acid made its way out which almost made him throw up more.

He suddenly felt soft hands on his back and shoulders. He looked up and saw Natalie the nurse stand beside him with a concerned look in here eyes.

"You okay, love?" she asked and began to soothingly stroke his back.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Just something that didn't agree with me."

He tried to smile at her, but was pretty sure it looked more like a grimace.

"Feeling better now?"

He nodded again and felt himself relax under her touch. She put an arm around his waist and helped him to his feet.

"Then we should go back to your room. No need to be out here if you're not feeling alright. Some sleep might make it better."

He didn't listen to a word she said, but her voice was nice to hear. It was calming and soothing and went straight to his heart.

She took him back to his room and helped him lay down. Jack saw a bucket standing in the corner. He looked at it and she just smiled at him.

"Just for emergencies, love. If you feel sick again."

He smiled back at her and put his head down on his arm. She sat down next for him a moment and stroke his hair. She mumbled something that he didn't understand, but he knew it was welsh. That always made him calm.

"Night, love. See you in the morning."

She got up and went for the door.

"Good night," Jack said to her and tried to smile once more.

She smiled and closed the door.

As the door closed the darkness crept closer. And with the darkness came the thoughts and feelings. Jack could no longer keep them out. Once more he felt his eyes burn and he sobbed. This time he couldn't keep the tears back. They started to flow, uncontrollably. He felt his heart tighten. The papers sliced into his stomach. He pulled them out and threw them towards to wall. He didn't want them near.

He pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged them as tight as he could. He tried to make himself as small as possible. Tried to disappear. He didn't want to be anymore. He felt sick. The tears were flowing and he didn't care to try and control them. He was lost. Drawn into a black abyss. He fell deeper and deeper for every sob. And he didn't care. He had only himself to blame. He didn't have to do it, but he did it anyway. There was no one else to blame but himself. And that made his tears even more bitter.

He buried his head behind his knees and screamed.

His world was falling apart, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclamer: Do I own this? Nope.**

**AN: Once more I love to thank all of you who reads this story. I love you all.  
Thanks to all of you who leaves such lovely reviews. I love to hear from you.  
Thanks to all of my silent stalkers. I hope you like what you read.**

**And the hugest thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta and for her listening to me ranting about this story.  
**

* * *

It was dark around him. All dark. He couldn't move. There was a beeping sound. Coming from everywhere. It was soft. Somewhat calming. It beeped at the same pace as his heart beat. A soft voice spoke to him. Said his name. Wanted him to come over. Jack tried to reach the voice. But the darkness held him back. He wanted to call out to the voice. Tell it to help him. But he had no voice.

Slowly the darkness drifted away. The voice went further back. He couldn't keep it with him. And soon, the darkness was replaced with a dreamy meadow and Jack knew that there was nothing he could do to reach the voice calling for him.

Jack felt the mattress under him. The dream drifted away from him. His body ached. He was still holding on to his legs. His eyes burned and his throat was sore. He had a strange taste in his mouth.

He let go of his legs and tried not to moan as he felt every stiff muscle straighten out. Slowly, he sat up against the wall. He saw the papers he'd thrown on the floor the previous night. And suddenly, he knew why his body ached. The nausea came back to him, threatening to make him throw up again. But he held it back. This was not the time. He couldn't dwell on the past, he had to look forward.

For a moment, he closed his eyes and calmed his body down. He'd gotten some papers from his file, and he needed to read them. He needed to know what was written.

He gathered the papers and was just about to start reading when he heard the key in the doors lock. Quickly he hid the papers under his shirt and tried his best to look innocent when the door opened.

"Morning, Jack," Mark said with a soft smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Jack tried to smile, and he thought he succeeded.

"No more throwing up?"

"Nah. I feel better."

"Good. You had us worried there a bit."

Jack just kept smiling and took the pills he got. And he knew that he wouldn't be able to read the papers right now as he would go numb for a few hours.

So as he felt his body numb around him, he felt for the papers under his shirt. He had them with him, he could read them later.

* * *

It was after lunch when Jack began to feel his head clear. He sat on the floor underneath one of the big windows and looked out over the common room. He'd been sitting underneath that window all morning, just looking. One time he saw John walk through, accompanied by a male nurse and two guards. John had caught his eyes and waved at him before he and his followers entered a corridor with metal bars. For a brief second, Jack had wondered where they were taking John, but soon he forgot and went back to thinking about nothing.

Now, he felt like he was in the right state to start reading. So he got up from the floor and walked over to an arm-chair with some magazines on it. He though he could use them as cover for his own papers.

He looked down at the magazines and couldn't help but grimace: it was old Marvel comics and some gossip magazines. Nothing that Jack normally liked to read. But then again, it wasn't like he was going to read the magazines anyway.

Jack sat down comfortably and looked around to see if anyone was looking at him. When he saw that everyone was occupied with other things, he smiled and picked up a random magazine. Then he pulled out the papers from underneath his shirt. And he began reading.

_**Name:**__ Jack Franklin Harkness_

_**Day of birth:**__ 27 December 1975_

_**Place of birth:**__ Glasgow_

_**Family:**__ Mother, Tracy (Swan) Harkness (deceased); Father, Franklin Harkness (deceased); Brother, Gray Harkness (deceased)_

_**Significant other:**__ Ianto Jones_

_**Lives:**__ Cardiff_

_**Work:**__ Hartman & Jones Publishing_

_**Allergies:**__ Fish, Nuts, Aspirin_

_**Diagnosis:**__ Depression (14 y.o.), Paranoid Schizophrenia_

Jack eyed through the whole first paper, and bit back on the anger brewing in him. This paper offered no information at all. It was only his personal file; useless facts about himself. This he already knew.

He mumbled curses in every language he knew as he put that paper aside to look at the next one. And that paper made him curse even more; it was the scans from after the car crash. He wanted information, not worthless crap. He almost cast the scans aside as he went to the next paper. This one was some articles from a newspaper.

He settled down and took a deep calming breath before he began to read.

_**Double car crash**_

_At 8.37 on Thursday morning police was called to the cross of Robert St. and Gower St. Two vehicles were involved in a serious accident. Both drivers taken to hospital; one mildly injured, the other one critical._

_**Woman charged for attempted murder after car crash**_

_After investigating the car crash between two civilians' cars last Thursday, police has charged the causing driver, Lisa Hallet, 26, with attempted murder of Jack Harkness, 34. These charges were made by the prosecutor after reviewing some CCTV found from the crossing. The picture evidence combined with the technical non-existent fault finding was enough to bring Ms Hallet in for questioning. _

_Later, she confessed to driving into the crossing with the intent to cause as much harm as possible to the driver. She did say that she didn't want to hurt Mr Harkness in any way. It was the car's owner and Ms Hallet's ex-boyfriend, Ianto Jones, who was the intended target._

Jack couldn't help but shudder when he read it. This was what Doctor Jane had told him about. He must have been wrong in his thoughts about Lisa as a cyberwoman. Here was evidence that Jane had been right. He read the article again and closed his eyes.

Vaguely, he could feel that this was right. His image of Lisa in the Hub became weaker, and he could kind of feel the truth written in the words. Before his eyes he could see his car drive through the clear crossing before another car slammed into his side. He could feel the pain running through him. And he could feel the darkness come over him. And he was gone. Weeks later he'd woken up with Ianto's hand in his. The relieved smile in Ianto's face. He could see it. And he knew that this was his life.

Jack opened his eyes. No, this was not right. He told himself that a newspaper article could be forged. And the inner images of the crash was just his vivid imagination working.

He threw the paper aside with the others and saw that the next one also was cut outs from a newspaper. He didn't care to read them, just eyed the context. One was about Lisa being sentenced to ten years in prison for the crash, and one was about Lisa killing herself before arriving in jail.

Jack sighed. Still nothing useful. He threw that page aside too and saw that it was the last one. Behind clenched teeth he mumbled the hardest curses he knew.

He looked down on the papers he read through and knew that he couldn't let them lying around. So with a sigh he picked them up and crumbled them into a huge ball. He looked at it and tried to decide if he should keep it or not. It didn't hold any useful information to him; but still it was part of his file. He sighed again and un-crumpled them before hiding them underneath his shirt one more time.

Then he turned his attention to the big windows. It was raining outside. Pouring down. And Jack wanted to go outside. He wanted to just stand in the rain and let it wash away his frustration. But he knew that he couldn't; no one seemed to be allowed outside in this weather.

But he knew that he had other things to worry about. He needed to get hold of Adam again. He shuddered at the thought of looking up that man again, but he knew he didn't have a choice. This time he would demand some vital information, not the same crap that he'd just gone through. His chest tightened and he was beginning to feel sick as he thought of what he could be asked to do for more papers. He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted the papers.

He looked around in the room, trying to find John. He needed to take out his frustration on something, or someone. And John was the perfect victim as he was the one that had put Jack in this situation in the first place. But John was nowhere to be found.

Jack threw his head back and hit the wall a bit harder than he planned. Not that it mattered, he liked feeling some pain sometimes. He looked up at the ceiling and tried to let his mind wander. Maybe if he didn't think he could get some memories back.

But he was soon pulled back from this thoughts as a soft hand was placed on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Natalie the nurse standing there, smiling at him. He smiled back and she handed him his pills. He didn't feel the need to argue, or even think about not taking them. So he reached for them and swallowed like a good boy. After seeing that he'd swallowed them all Natalie stroke his hair before walking over to her next patient.

Jack watched her leave and smiled. He liked her, she was sweet. He felt his body drift back into numbness, and he just let it happen.

* * *

Hours later, Jack was sitting underneath one of the big windows again. He looked out over the room and couldn't help but sigh as he watched all the other patients there. How they were all more or less drugged and lost in their own worlds. Jack felt sorry for them. He knew that many of them would never leave this place. He also didn't fail to see the irony of him feeling sorry for others lost in their own heads as he did everything he could to prove that the world in his own mind was reality.

All afternoon he'd kept an eye out for Adam, but he hadn't spotted him. Maybe the man didn't work today. Jack sighed and looked at the clock for what felt like the twentieth time in just a few moments. In about two hours, he would be led back to his room where he would spend the night. But he wanted to get hold of Adam first. He needed more papers. He needed the rest of the file.

Just as he was about to check the clock again, he saw Adam coming out of a corridor just beneath the clock. Jack slowly raised himself from the floor and stood leaning against the window, never taking his eyes off Adam.

The janitor looked out over the room and watched every face that didn't see him. He smirked. Then he looked over at Jack. They stared at each other for a moment before Adam nodded towards a room behind him. Jack gave him a quick nod and Adam's smirk grew wider. He backed up to the door and opened it. Jack shuddered and made his way through the room towards the door Adam had entered.

As soon as the door closed behind Jack, he had to suppress the urge to throw himself over to Adam and beat the shit out of him. Adam seemed to see his inner struggle for control and laughed.

"Back for more so soon?"

"You gave me nothing," Jack said behind clenched teeth.

"Wrong. I gave you papers from your file, just like you wanted."

"Ha! Those papers were useless." Jack moved closer, clenching his fist, wanting to hit.

"So you want more?"

Jack didn't want to answer. He did want more papers, but he didn't want to do anything to get them.

Adam just looked at him with an innocent stare. And slowly, Jack nodded.

"I want vital information this time," Jack said with what he hoped was confidence and a small threat.

Adam's gaze changed and became hard. He looked Jack deep in the eyes and whispered.

"You're not in the position of bargaining. You take what I give you."

Jack met his gaze, challenging him. But in the end it was Jack who turned away because he knew that Adam was right. In this place, Jack had no authority, no power. All he could do what was he was told.

Adam smiled and put a condescending hand on Jack's shoulder. He then turned around and walked of the desk standing by a wall. Jack stood put, just looking down at the floor.

"What to do today…?" Adam smirked as he slowly undressed Jack with his eyes again. He loved what he was seeing.

Jack felt the intense stare, but didn't look up. He did not want to see Adam. He tried to make his mind go blank. Tried to let it leave his body before it all started.

"I'm thinking about a rerun today," Adam smirked and saw Jack shudder. "Yes. Definitely a rerun."

Jack could hear the zipper being pulled down. The sound was so loud it made his head hurt and his stomach turn.

"Down on your knees, Jack."

Jack swallowed hard and obeyed. He knew what was expected from him. And he still remembered that there was nothing he could to.

"Open up." Once again, Jack obeyed.

But this time he told himself that he wouldn't stay. He didn't want to feel what was done to him. He knew he stood there; kneeling on the floor in front of Adam, with Adam looking down on him with lust filled eyes. But Jack let go of his body. He took charge of his mind and guided it to a place far away from this room.

He closed his eyes and visualised golden fields waving in the soft summer breeze. Birds were slowly gliding over the sky, playing with white fluffy clouds. He tried to hear the ocean's waves roll over the water and then dissolve against the warm sandy beach. The grass tickled his naked feet as he made his way through the landscape. It was peace and quiet. There was nothing that could hurt him. Just him and the nature. Far away from civilisation and fear.

He was pulled back to the small room by a sharp pain suddenly running through him as Adam slapped his head.

"Focus," Adam panted and hit him again.

Jack whimpered. He didn't want to be present, but apparently he had no choice. He tried to escape back into his mind once more, and was rewarded with another sharp blow.

* * *

When Adam was sated he sighed in content and pulled his zipper back up. Jack sat on the floor with closed eyes. He thought about anything but the foul taste in his mouth.

"God, you're delicious," Adam laughed. "You earned some good reading, even if you drifted away for a moment there."

Jack still didn't look up, but he opened his eyes.

Adam moved away from the desk and threw some papers at Jack.

"Happy reading. Come back later," he winked and left the room.

Jack was left alone to gather the papers, and to gather himself together again. This time he didn't cry. His eyes burned, but he didn't let the tears flow.

He looked around in the room and saw a second door that he hadn't noticed before. As he opened it, he saw that it was a tiny bathroom. He sighed in relief and sat down next to the toilet. After taking a deep breath he put his fingers down his throat. As far down as he could. His stomach began to hurt as much as his throat, and soon all of its contents came up. It splashed into the water and Jack felt himself empty. No trace left of what had been done.

When everything was out of his system, he flushed and stood up beside the sink. He let the cold water flow for a moment before he began to drink. He drank away the horrible taste that tainted his mouth. And when there was no taste left in his mouth, he washed his face. The cold water became an almost painful contrast against his burning cheeks. He liked it.

Soon, he put the papers he got underneath his shirt and made his way back to the common room as though nothing had happened.

"Hey, Jackie-boy!"

The voice mad Jack stop dead in his tracks. All day he'd been looking for John, who had been missing. And now, he sat on the couch, smiling, and looking straight at Jack. For a second, Jack considered ignoring John and move to the other end of the room, as far away from the couch as possible. But he wanted to give John a piece of his mind.

"Found anything good to read?" John laughed and playfully hit Jack's arm as Jack stood beside him.

"It's all your fault," Jack hissed and sat down on the other side of the couch.

He wanted to have some distance between himself and John, but John had other plans. As soon as Jack sat down, John slid over and almost plastered himself onto Jack. Jack tried to bat him away, but found it useless since John seemed to enjoy being hit.

"Why did you do it?" Jack asked. The sound of his voice was more hurt than he wanted it to be. And it seemed to make its way straight into John. "Why did you send me to him?"

John tilted his head and looked at Jack.

"I had to do it," he said. And Jack was almost shocked by the sadness in his voice.

"Why? Why did you have to do it?"

John seemed to vanish before his eyes as he made himself as small as possible. Jack resisted the urge to put a soothing hand on John's shoulder.

"He made me. I had no choice," John whispered and looked up at Jack.

The pity almost left Jack and made way for the anger to come instead.

"He made you? You had no choice?" Jack tried his best not to shout. "That's the stupidest…you always have a choice! You could have said no!"

Then John looked up at Jack. Gone was the sadness and shame. Instead, he looked at Jack with something closely resembling hate.

"You're the one to talk, Jackie!" he said without raising his voice. "You want to blame me for what he made you do. Blame me! You didn't have to do it. Like you said yourself: you always have a choice. So listen here, Jackie- boy," John moved closer and was mere inches away from Jack's face. "It was you're choice. Don't even try to blame this on me."

And with that, John gave Jack a hard smack on the head and left.

Jack sat still, just looking. He knew that John was right. No one had forced him to do anything. He'd done it all out of free will. He swallowed hard. God, he hated when John was right.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclamer: Do you think I own Torchwood? Nah, didn't think so**

**AN: I give this chapter to all of you who reads it.  
Thanks for all of those lovely reviews I get. I live and breathe for them.  
Thank you all of my silent stalkers who reads it.  
I write this for all of you**

**And the hugest thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta. And for the fact that she puts up with my ranting for hours.  
**

* * *

"No."

"Ianto, please."

"I said no. I'm not going."

Ianto made his way through the kitchen, coffee in hand. Owen sat by the table with some toast still in hand. It was almost eight in the morning, and Owen had woken to the lovely smell of breakfast and coffee. So now he sat in only his boxers and a washed out t-shirt, eating what Ianto had prepared to him.

"Ianto. You know you can't just not go."

"And why not?"

Ianto turned around and looked at him. Owen could see all the mixed feelings roaming his friend's mind and he knew how hard it was for him.

"You can't just not show up. He would break down, and you know it."

"I know that. You don't have to tell me. But you can't expect me to go."

"Why? He's your boyfriend. He loves you. And you love him."

"Don't talk about love!" Ianto snapped and Owen could almost see the tears that Ianto fought so hard to hold back. "Love has nothing to do with my decision."

"That I know. If you loved him, you'd go."

And as soon as Owen let the words slip he knew he'd gone too far. Ianto froze and slowly turned around. Owen met his gaze and swallowed hard. Ianto didn't become furious often, but now he was. The usually bright and slightly sad blue eyes were hard and cold. Gone was the sadness, gone were the tears.

"Don't you dare say that," Ianto yelled and threw his cup in Owen's direction.

Owen flinched and ducked away as the coffee came towards him. The cup hit the wall behind him and broke in hundreds of pieces. The hot coffee splashed over the wall, and some made its way through the room and hit Owen in the neck. He yelped in surprise at the sudden hot sting.

"Don't you fucking dare say that to me! I love him! And you know I do. I just can't sit there and smile and act like everything is okay, when in fact I'm losing it! I can't let him see me break down. I can't do that to him. I won't do that to him! It's much easier if I just stop going. Cause it's not like he's going to miss me anyway. He doesn't even know who I am!"

Tears had begun to stream down Ianto's cheeks, but he didn't notice them. He just looked at Owen, and Owen couldn't bear to look back. The guilt for going too far ravaged him.

"I'm doing this for him," Ianto said in a calmer voice. "So don't you fucking dare say that I don't love him."

Ianto turned around and headed for the door.

"I'm walking today. See you at work."

And with that, he left the apartment.

Owen sat still by the table. He pushed away his plate. Suddenly he wasn't that hungry. He gave himself a mental smack on the head for being so stupid to say that Ianto didn't love Jack. He knew that it wasn't true. He knew it all too well.

He sighed and got up. In the sink he found a dish-cloth and began wiping the coffee up. This was not how he intended to start his morning.

* * *

Jack was ecstatic. He'd been waiting for days now. And today he was going to see Ianto again. And he would get to know how the team was doing. This time he wasn't confused. Not like last week anyway. There was so much he wanted to tell Ianto, so much he wanted to ask.

"Someone's happy today," came Mark's chuckling voice from the door. Jack had been so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't hear the door open.

"Yeah. Today, I'm just peachy." Jack laughed.

"And where did this come from?"

"It's Thursday. And on Thursdays I get a visitor."

"That you do."

Jack still smiled as he took the pills. And as usual, he felt slow and numb after taking them. So as Mark left the room, Jack drifted to sleep. The only difference from the other days was that today he drifted away with a smile on his lips.

* * *

At 9.05am, Owen rushed through the elevators doors and made his way down to his cubical. Sweat was slowly making its way down his cheek and he had a hard time catching his breath. Before he had the time to walk into his little booth, he heard Martha call to him from her office.

"You're late, Harper."

"I'm sorry," Owen called back between breaths. "I got stuck in traffic." It was only partly true; he had been stuck, but not in traffic.

"I'm going to have to write this up."

"You do that, miss."

And then he heard, rather than saw, Martha's door close and he made his way into his cubical to put his jacket down. He opened the brown paper bag he had with him and pulled out a special made chocolate chip muffin with hints of coffee. They only sold them in one place in Cardiff, and today it had been a big queue. He placed the muffin on a plate and put on an apologetic smile as he made his way over to Ianto's space next to his own.

He saw that Ianto was sitting by his computer, scribbling away, ignoring Owen the best he could.

"Er…I'm…er…I bought you this," Owen stuttered, without really knowing what to say. He needed to say something, that much he knew. And there were so many things he would like to say, but nothing seemed to be the right thing.

Ianto didn't stop working, nor did he look up. Owen placed the plate next to Ianto's keyboard.

"I'm sorry, Ianto. Please. Just…I don't know…I'm sorry. I really am."

Ianto stopped his scribbling and looked up. His eyes were still a bit red from crying. But the thing that struck Owen was the sad hardness in them.

"Get out of my space," Ianto hissed behind clenched teeth.

Owen swallowed hard and slowly backed away.

"I'm sorry, Yan."

"Don't."

As Owen turned around the corner he heard Ianto going back to work. He sighed. This was going to take more than an apology and a muffin.

When he turned around to get back into his own cubical, he bumped into Tosh. He almost knocked her over, but reached out a hand to grab her just in time. She smiled shyly and put her hair behind her ear. Then she saw the muffin on Ianto's desk and the guilty look in Owen's eyes.

"What did you do?"

"What do you mean?" Owen tried to laugh it off, but failed miserably.

"There's a muffin on Ianto's desk, and that only happens whenever something is wrong. And you look like you've done something really stupid. So spill. What did you do?"

Owen squirmed where he stood.

"I…er…I might have told Ianto that he doesn't love Jack."

"Owen Harper! You daft sod!" Tosh yelled with a whisper as she hit him over the head. "Are you stupid or something! How could you say that?"

Owen looked down into the floor. He didn't want to meet Tosh's angry eyes. It was bad enough that he cursed himself for being so thoughtless, he didn't need her to tell him too.

"We kind of had an argument and it just slipped out."

"You're a bloody bastard sometimes, Owen, you know that? You're gonna make this up to him, today. Or I swear that I'll castrate you myself."

"Oi! Leave my balls out of this."

Tosh just smacked his head again before going over to Ianto to ask how he felt.

Owen hung his head and slunk back into his own cubical; he began to think of a way to make Ianto forgive him.

* * *

Jack sat on the couch with his legs up. He still felt some numbness, but he didn't mind. That was not the important thing now. He looked up on the clock, never taking his eyes off of it. The seconds were passing by too slow for his liking. He'd been sitting there, just looking, for almost four hours. He wanted someone to come up to him and tell him that Ianto was waiting for him in the visitors room. But no one came.

He let his eyes leave the clock for a second, just so that he could glance through the room. In one corner his eyes locked with John. Jack tried to smile at him, but John only looked at him before turning away. Jack sighed. Apparently John was still upset with him about the day before. A part of him wanted to apologise for what he'd said. But not now. Instead he looked back to the clock. He half expected to see the pointers move backwards. Never had he experienced time moving so slowly.

"I think we need to drag you away from that clock for a while."

Jack almost jumped at the sudden words and turned around. Mark was standing there with Jack's jacket and shoes in hand.

"But…but…" Jack stuttered whilst looking from Mark, to the clothes, to the clock and back again. "Ianto…"

"Come on Jack, " Mark smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. "If Ianto comes, we'll go inside. I promise."

"I…" Jack began, but was cut short by the look in Mark's eyes.

"We're going outside now, Jack. So you have to get up."

Jack just sighed, but did as he was told.

* * *

It was chilly outside. Not as windy as the day before, more of a quiet chill. A chill that made it all the way to the bones.

Jack was not in the mood for walking. So he sat down on a bench underneath one of the big oaks. He sat so that he had a clear view over the front gates, hoping to see Ianto's car drive through any minute. Mark sat next to him and talked. But Jack didn't listen. He was too occupied with watching the gate.

"You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?"

"What?" Jack turned around and looked a bit confused. "Oh, sorry…I just…er…was watching…"

"You were looking for Ianto."

"Yes." Jack blushed. Was it that obvious?

He looked over at the gate one more time before turning back to Mark, looking almost desperate.

"Why hasn't he come yet?"

"I don't know, Jack," Mark shrugged. "But hey, it's only lunch. He still has a few hours to come."

"Yeah. I guess."

Jack tired to shake away the uneasy feeling that had built its nest in the pit of his stomach. He knew Ianto, and Ianto was never late. He always came early just to be sure that he had the time to do whatever it was he was doing. And last week, Ianto had been there first thing in the morning, so Jack knew that Ianto would come early this time too. But perhaps Mark was right. There were still many hours left before bedtime, and Ianto could show up at any time.

Jack smiled quickly at Mark before turning his gaze back at the gate. As he turned back, he missed the unmistakable sadness in Mark's eyes as he looked at Jack.

* * *

As soon as he left work, Owen hurried home. He had a plan on how to make Ianto forgive him. He knew that he would have at least two hours before Ianto would turn up. Always when Ianto was upset, he went to a special little coffee shop where he sat down and took a cup of their special blend to calm down.

All day Owen had been treated like a villain; Ianto had ignored him, Tosh's gaze had been shooting daggers at him, Gwen had only spoken to him in welsh. So he knew he had to do something.

So when he got home he quickly found an apron and began searching the cupboards for the right ingredients to make a delicious meal.

* * *

Ianto sat in a corner of the coffee shop, looking down at the cooling dark liquid in his cup. He didn't want to drink it. He didn't even know why he'd bought it. It was just something he did when he felt like everything was wrong. When he felt like he didn't know where to go or what to do. The smell of coffee was always calming for him. It made him feel safe.

He felt a sting in his heart. Although it had been hours, he still couldn't help but to think of the row he'd had with Owen that morning. He wondered if he'd overreacted to what Owen had told him. His mind told him that what Owen said was the truth, and you should never be punished for the truth. But his heart told him that Owen had crossed the line by miles. And when it came to Jack, Ianto had a tendency to listen to his heart.

When the thought of Jack came into his mind, Ianto almost began to cry. He felt like scum for not visiting his boyfriend. He loved Jack so much that he thought that he would break. And the fact that Jack now couldn't love him back was too much to bear. And no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to go and visit him.

He bit back the tears that wanted to fall and took a sip of his coffee. And then he couldn't help but grimace; the coffee had gone cold. He looked at his clock and saw that it'd been a little more than two hours since he left work. He should be getting home.

He sighed. He didn't know which home to go to. On one hand he could go to Owen's apartment, he could sit down, have some food and go to bed. The downside to that was that he had to be around Owen; whom he couldn't stand at the moment. On the other hand, he could go to his own apartment, the one he used to share with Jack. But there he would be all alone with all of his thoughts and memories.

He chose the lesser of two evils.

* * *

Owen looked at the kitchen clock. Ianto was late. It'd been almost three hours since they left work. Dinner was still standing on the stove, waiting to be put on plates and eaten. Owen began feeling nervous. Maybe Ianto had decided he didn't want to stay in this apartment anymore. Maybe he'd gone home to his own place. Maybe he preferred the company of a ghost before Owen. Not that Owen would blame him. He'd been an ass, to put it nicely.

He was just about to get up and have a beer, just to calm down, when he heard the door open. He rushed out to the hallway and saw Ianto taking of his shoes and jacket. Owen sighed in relief.

"Welcome home, Ianto," he said with a smile.

Ianto didn't respond, he didn't even look up.

"I made dinner. Baked potatoes and tuna stew."

Ianto mumbled something inaudible and made his way straight to the kitchen and sat down. Owen quickly began to bring forth the food. He paused for a moment, trying to think of the best drinks for the meal. As he didn't have much to chose from, he decided on water.

When he sat down Ianto had already began to eat. Owen looked at him, wanting some kind of eye contact. But Ianto never looked up. He kept his eyes on the food. Owen sighed and began putting food on his own plate.

"Ianto…"Owen began, not sure on what to say. "Please, I want you to listen to me. Can you please look at me?"

Ianto made no attempt on giving in to the plead, so Owen continued.

"Look, I'm sorry about this morning. I really am. I didn't mean it. You know I didn't. I would never, ever, want to hurt you in any way. Please, forgive me."

The silence was so thick you could slice it with a knife. Owen didn't want to say more; he wanted to let his words sink in.

Ianto finished his meal and wiped his mouth before getting up. He put the plate in the sink and walked towards the door. But before he left the kitchen, he turned around to face Owen for the first time since he got home.

"I'm going to bed. Just leave me be."

Owen looked him in the eyes and saw the sadness in them. Nothing else, just sadness. That meant that he was closer to forgiveness than before. So he just nodded.

Ianto almost smiled at him before going to his room and closing the door behind him.

* * *

Jack was restless. It was only a few minutes left before he would go back to his room for the night. And there was still no sign of Ianto. All day, Jack had been looking at the clock, waiting. All day, he'd been on alert every time a nurse had come close to him, maybe they would take him to the visitation room. But nothing.

All day, Jack had done his best not to panic, not to let his heart break too much. The clock and thoughts had taken all of his time, so he'd completely forgotten all about the papers hidden in his room, waiting for him to read them. But all day, Ianto had been on his mind. He longed to see the other man, longed to hug him. He wanted to take Ianto in his arms and never let go. And he knew that Ianto would want that too. But why hadn't he come?

"It's time for bed now, love."

Jack looked up and saw Natalie standing there. She smiled at him. And all he wanted to do was cry. It was too late now, Ianto wouldn't come.

He swallowed hard and nodded.

Without wanting to think, he let Natalie lead him back to his room. And just like every night, she stroked his hair and spoke softly in welsh before she left the room.

The room was dark, and Jack was alone. Alone with his thoughts. He knew it was Thursday, and he knew that he always got a visitor on Thursdays. Ianto always came on Thursdays. But not today. And no one would tell him why.

He crawled up to a corner and pressed himself against the wall. He pulled his legs tighter to his body, held them close.

Why hadn't Ianto shown up? He'd told Jack last week that he'd come. Had something happened to him? No, then he would know. They would tell him if something happened to Ianto. But what if Ianto had forgotten about him? Forgotten that Jack waited for him. Forgotten that Jack needed him.

Jack felt his chest tighten and he began to cry. He cried so hard that he thought his chest would break. And in between sobs, he screamed. Screamed out his pain. All the pain that he let the tears wash away.

* * *

Ianto was lying in bed. He'd been doing so since he closed the door after dinner. He'd been looking up at the ceiling, imagining that he was somewhere else. Thinking about anything but Jack. Thinking about anything that wouldn't make him lose control.

Now the apartment was quiet. A while ago he'd heard Owen getting ready for bed. But now, there was nothing. Owen must be sleeping.

And just as that thought crossed his mind, everything fell apart. He let go of all the tears he'd kept locked up all day. He cried as though his tears would never end. He'd abandoned Jack, how could he ever forgive himself for that? And now they were both alone. All he could do was cry. A scream was about to break free from his lips, but he buried his head in the pillow. Screaming his lungs out without disturbing anything. He screamed out all of his pain. And he let the tears wash it away.

* * *

In the next room, Owen heard him. He heard the screams. He heard the tears. And his own eyes burned. He wanted to comfort Ianto. But he knew that whatever he said or whatever he did, there was nothing he could do to ease the pain.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclamer: I don't own Torchwood. I wish I did, but I don't.**

**AN: First of all I want to apologize for the long wait. I hope you don't hate me to much for it.  
Secondly I would like to thank all of you who reads this. I write for you all.  
Thank you all of my faithfull reviewers and silent stalkers.**

**And a huge thank to TheWeddingFariy for her beta and the lovely time she spends on msn and letters with me. :)**

**Hope you all enjoy this chapter.  
**

* * *

The next morning, Owen woke up to the smell of fresh coffee. He still had the previous morning's row fresh in mind, so he wasn't sure if there would be coffee for him too. But there was only way to find out. So he left his bed and, for once, he put some pants on before pulling his shirt over his head.

When he entered the kitchen he saw Ianto standing by the table, cutting up some bread. And there were two steaming cups of coffee standing there too. Owen cleared his throat and Ianto looked up, smiling.

"Good morning, Owen."

"So you're talking to me now?" Owen smiled as he saw Ianto squirm a little.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about yesterday."

"Don't be. I'm the one who's sorry. I went too far."

"And I overreacted."

"Why don't we agree that we both should apologize?"

"Sounds good. And I forgive you.

"I forgive you, too."

Owen sat down and took his coffee. It smelled delicious. And just as he took his first sip, Ianto smiled wickedly.

"And you can tell Tosh that I forgave you, too. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to your balls."

Owen choked on his coffee, which made Ianto laugh.

"So you heard that…"

"Yeah. Tosh can be quite protective sometimes."

"I would say scary."

"In her case, that's about the same thing."

Owen was glad that Ianto was back to his normal self again, so he just laughed. Ianto smiled and sat down.

They ate in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Both of them knew that they would have to talk about what happened sooner or later. But that time was not now.

* * *

Jack sat underneath one of the big windows. He liked sitting there. He had his legs close to his body, and held them tight. Around him he could hear people talk and move around. But he did his best to shut them out. He didn't want them to be a part of his world at the moment. He felt empty. The numbing effect of the pills was wearing off, but the emptiness wouldn't leave. And he felt lost. He still couldn't figure out why Ianto hadn't showed up the day before. Never had he felt that abandoned. But maybe Ianto would show up today. He could only hope.

"What're you thinking?"

Jack looked up and saw John settling down next to him. He looked at Jack as though nothing was wrong, he even smiled.

"So you're talking to me now?"

"Meh," John shrugged. "Life's too short."

"I suppose."

Jack went back to looking out over the room and thinking about Ianto.

Suddenly he felt John's head on his shoulder. He sighed, but let him stay there.

"You're slipping," John said.

"What?"

"You're believing her."

"What?" As usual, Jack felt like an idiot when John talked to him.

John sat up and looked sternly at Jack.

"Snap out of it!" and the smack on Jack's cheek came as a total surprise.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" Jack held back the urge to hit him back; he didn't want to spend any more time in the straightjacket for assault.

"Don't fall for her psychobabble. You're not crazy, Jackie-boy. Not one bit. Not crazy at all. She is. Yes, she is."

John began to laugh uncontrollably and left Jack sitting by the window, alone again.

Jack took a deep breath. He should listen to John. The thought made him shudder. But he knew it was the right thing to do. That man confused him beyond sanity. But as this was a mental institution, he shouldn't think all that much about sanity in the first place.

He got up from the floor and went over to the armchair by the magazines. He sat down and picked up a DC comic laying there. The latest papers from his file were hidden underneath his shirt. So after making sure that no one took too much notice of him, he pulled out the papers and started to read them; keeping them masked as a comic book.

_**Torchwood**_

_Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on Earth, arming the human race against the future. The twenty-first century is when everything changes. And you gotta be ready._

_Founded in 1879 by Queen Victoria in order to protect the human race from alien threats and also to secure alien technology for Britain. _

Jack eyed through the paper and threw it away. Another worthless paper. He already knew everything there was to know about the history of Torchwood. He'd lived through most of it himself. He cursed under his breath. He had a feeling that Adam was doing this on purpose.

The next paper in his hand was a detailed report from his time in the coma; all of his vitals, all of his medication and all of his injuries. Nothing that he needed to know, or even wanted to know.

He sighed. He prayed to every God that would listen that at least the last few papers would hold some kind of information that he could use. Right now, he'd settle for anything.

_The people closest to Jack also have a place in the world in his mind. The people he work with have a prominent part in the world of Torchwood. To be able to grasp the full content of everyone's roll in Jack's life, boyfriend Ianto Jones has been consulted. _

_**Ianto Jones – reality**_

_Friend, boyfriend, co-worker. (more history, see police report)_

_**Ianto Jones – Torchwood**_

_Archivist, butler, lover. Hired after convincing Jack that he was good for the team. Flirted his way in._

_**Toshiko Sato – reality**_

_Co-worker. Shy and a bit clumsy. Very social. Has quite a temper._

_**Toshiko Sato – Torchwood**_

_Computer genius. Stays in the shadow. Intelligent. Easy to manipulate. Does what she can to help those she loves._

_**Owen Harper – reality**_

_Co-worker. Ianto's best friend. Warm and loving. Has a tendency to talk first, think later. Has everyone's best interest at heart, especially Ianto's (cares for him like an older brother)._

_**Owen Harper – Torchwood**_

_Sarcastic twat. Brilliant doctor. Has suffered too many heartaches to really let anyone in. Breaks the rules when he can gain something from it._

_**Gwen Cooper – reality**_

_Co-worker. Jack's closest friend. Flirtatious and loving. A bit blond sometimes. Has an on and off relationship with her university sweetheart._

_**Gwen Cooper – Torchwood**_

_Ex-police officer. More heart than brains from time to time. Desperate to be accepted. Has a crush on Jack, even though she's engaged to Rhys._

_**Martha Jones – reality**_

_Boss. Sweet and caring. Does what she can to help her employees. Hangs out with them all after work._

_**Martha Jones – Torchwood**_

_Ex-companion of The Doctor (for more information, see The Doctor paper). Works for UNIT (see Torchwood). Shares some special moments with Jack._

_The thing that connects them all is that in the Torchwood world, everyone is more important and interesting than in reality. But the biggest difference is the one in Owen Harper. Everyone has something in common with themselves in both worlds, whereas Owen is almost his complete opposite. What is it in Owen that Jack does not want to see?_

It was the end of that paper, and Jack put it down. He frowned. The question at the end of the paper stuck with him. Was there something in Owen that he didn't want to know about? Not that he could think of.

He read the paper one more time. And just like with the articles the other day, it felt more real the more he read it. He closed his eyes. He could almost feel Gwen's endless flirting with him, and with others, and he almost laughed as he could imagine her less intelligent moments. A sudden flash of being told off by Tosh for hurting Ianto crossed his mind. He felt Martha's warming smile when they were out for a beer. He could see how Owen held his hand on Ianto's back; comforting him, holding him close, whispering soothing nonsense to him. And Jack felt a slight stab in his chest.

He opened his eyes and the feelings and memories disappeared. His imagination was playing tricks on him. These were not real memories, he was sure of it. Though they felt real.

He shook the feeling of confusion of and put the paper to the side. Just by looking at the headline of the last paper, it told him that this would be interesting.

_**Case interview concerning Mr Jack Harkness**_

_**Told by Mr Ianto Jones**_

_**Reviewed by Doctor Jane Brody**_

"_Jack has been acting strangely ever since his car accident eight months ago (see police report + medical journal). He was in a coma for three weeks. And then he woke up. At first, he was like he used to be. But he started to change. I can't tell you when the changes started, they kind of grew. At first, we all thought that it was stress. I mean, almost dieing could cause anyone stress. But there was more to it. His personality began to change. He couldn't work anymore, so he went on sick leave again. And that's when the real changes started. He began talking about something called Torchwood. And apparently I was also working there, making coffee and organising the archives. And all of our friends were a part of this thing as well. Owen was a doctor, Tosh was some kind of computer genius and Gwen was a police officer. Even Martha had a place in this world of his. _

_At first, I thought that this was just his way of acting out all the emotional stress he'd been under, so I kind of played along. But soon it all got out of hand. He was beginning to run around town, chasing aliens. And he talked about being immortal. He put himself in stupid situations, life threatening. He developed a fascination for high rooftops. Always standing by the edge. __It looked like he was about to jump._

_Then I couldn't play along any more. I told him that Torchwood wasn't real, that he wasn't immortal. And that's when it all took a turn for the worse. He tried desperately to show me that he was immortal. I don't know how many times I stopped him from killing himself. I stopped going to work just because I was afraid that he would do something stupid if I wasn't around. __And last night he did._

_I was gone for about ten minutes. I had to buy some milk. And when I got home I found him lying on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere. He'd slit his wrists. I called for an ambulance, and then I sat with his head on my knee. I talked to him. Tried to keep him conscious. I asked him why, and he said that I should calm down, he would soon heal again. __Then he passed out. I thought I'd lost him._

_He needs help. He just doesn't see it himself. He's trapped in his fantasy world and can't see that he's hurting not only himself, but me too. _

_**Doctors note**_

_After reviewing Mr Jones' story along with the medical files and the history of mental disorders, Mr Jack Harkness will be admitted to Cardiff Safe Haven Mental Institution for a trial period of six months. After that, an evaluation of the progress will be made and further actions will be discussed. _

Jack read and re-read the paper several times. The empty hole inside of him grew. This was what Ianto had talked about last week. This was what he meant about Jack leaving and coming back. He swallowed hard. He'd been hurting Ianto more than he'd been hurting himself. He knew that, he just didn't know that Ianto knew that. Once again he swallowed hard and fought back tears. A weak memory crept into him. A memory of him lying in his own blood on the bathroom floor. His head in Ianto's lap. His weak attempts to calm Ianto down, telling him that he would always heal. Then the darkness. Once again the darkness. And it was empty. No pain like there usually was. Just dark and empty.

No, this was not true. If he in fact had tried to kill himself by cutting his wrist, then he would have scars. And he had no scars. He smiled. He knew he didn't have any scars. But his mind told him to look, just to make sure.

He looked down at his wrists, and his breath caught in his throat. From his hand and halfway up to the crook of his arm he saw a faint white line. And he knew that that wasn't there before he came here. He'd never had a scar there. Never. And now he had one on both of his arms.

He found it hard to breathe. Hard to focus. Without thinking too much about it, he took the papers and hid them under his shirt. He got up. Pacing back and forwards. Trying to breathe. Trying to think. This was not right. His mind was playing tricks on him.

From the couch he heard laughter. He looked over and saw John sitting there, looking at him and laughing hard.

"Is the captain finally losing it?" John smiled.

Jack hurried over and took hold of John's shoulders, holding him still and looking him in the eyes. He could do nothing to cover the panic in his own, he just did his best to ignore it.

"You know something. I know you do. And I need to know it. Tell me."

John tilted his head from one side to the other, looking as though he was thinking about what Jack said to him.

"What would I know?" John laughed again, batting Jacks hands away. "I'm crazy."

"Hart! This is serious." Jack was shocked by the desperation in his own voice. "I need to know."

"Little Jackie has so many questions," John said with a childlike voice. "But Jackie is not as smart as he thinks."

"Why is that?"

"Cause little Captain Jackie-boy can't see what's right in front of him."

"I honestly have no idea of what you're talking about. What is it that I don't see?" Jack knew that his voice went up a pitch, but he didn't care. His frustration got the best of him.

John stood up next to Jack. He took Jacks head between his hands and looked him in the eyes.

"Everyone is crazy. I am. You are. They all are. But you're sane. As sane as I am."

Jack didn't know if that was supposed to be reassuring or not.

"Reading is good. Learn a lot. Read what's not there. Everyone can write. Even I."

The last word was nothing more than a whisper that swept over Jack's cheek, followed by John's lips. The soft kiss was all that John left for him as he suddenly let go of Jack and skipped away across the room.

Jack looked after him. Unaware of the motion his hand made its way to where John's lips had so lightly touched him. He smiled.

When he caught the motion and reaction, he let his hand fall and he stopped smiling. He let John's words run though his mind. Why did the other man insist on talking like a crazy person? But then again, this was an institution for the crazy.

Jack sighed. He needed more papers, more information. But before he even got the chance to look for Adam again, Natalie came up to him.

"It's getting late now, love."

Jack looked at the clock and saw that she was right. The day was almost over, and he had no idea of where it had gone.

"Time for bed."

He smiled at her and followed her back to his room.

He laid down, and she walked up to him and sat down beside him. And before she had the time to say something, he looked up at her and began talking.

"When is Doctor Jane coming back?"

"On Monday."

"And when will Ianto come visit?"

He saw the sadness and guilt in her eyes and knew that she knew something about the matter.

"I don't know, love. Maybe next week."

"Why didn't he come yesterday? It was Thursday."

"Don't think about that right now. I'm sure he had a good reason. But now, you need to sleep."

Jack wanted to ask more, but he knew that it was useless to do so. He wouldn't be getting any more answers tonight. Instead, he put his head down and closed his eyes. He could feel Natalie smile as she stroked his hair. Then she left him alone and he heard the door lock.

Jack didn't like not knowing what was going on. He knew that both Natalie and Mark knew something about Ianto that they wouldn't tell him. There was a reason that Ianto hadn't shown up. He just hoped that Ianto would come next week. He needed to see him.

He crawled closer to the wall. It felt safe to feel it against his back. The information in the papers flew through his mind. He needed more information. If he was lucky, he would see Adam some time during the weekend. Then he would ask for more papers. There was one paper in particular he wanted to read: the police report. In two places there had been references to the report, so he had to read it. Maybe if he asked nicely Adam would just give it to him, without payment. At that thought Jack laughed. There was no way Adam would give him anything without making him pay.

Jack sighed. John was right about one thing today: he was slipping. He didn't know what was real anymore. The papers, the scars, the words, the memories. Everything was pointing towards him being sick. The only thing that pointed towards him being right was John. And he still didn't know how much he could trust the words coming out of that man's mouth.

He couldn't help but let out a weak sob as he felt more lost than ever before.

* * *

**Review?**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclamer: I don't own anything that remotly resembles Torchwood. I just hope that you all know that. I'm just borrowing it :)**

**AN: I'm so sorry for taking so long to update. You see, my muse took a vacation and left me without any insperation at all. But now she's back. And to make it up to you for waiting so long: here's a long chapter. **

**Like usual I would like to thank all of my faithfull reviewers. I love to hear what you think about the story, so please: never stop reviewing :)  
And I want to thank all of my silent stalkers too.  
I write for all of you :)**

**And the hugest thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her amazing beta :) I love you for doing this.**

**If someone feels like I've forgotten to thank them, send me a mail and I will thank you personally :)**

**And now, on with the story.**

* * *

Jack sat in a chair between two windows. He'd pulled it there himself just to be able to look out over the room. He knew that it was Saturday, and Adam was free on weekends. But he still hoped that he would see the man. He needed new papers. There was so much that he still wanted to know.

The effect of the afternoon pills were wearing off and he felt his mind getting clearer by the minute. His mind wasn't as fuzzy any more. He was able to think. But all he could think about was the papers he'd read. There was so much in them that somewhat made sense, just like with everything else. With every day passing he became more and more unsure about what was really true. His memories and John told him one thing, whilst everything else in this place told him something else.

He wanted to talk to John. Wanted to ask him about the things he'd told him. But John was nowhere to be found. Earlier that morning, whilst still numb from the pills, he'd once more seen John being led to the gated corridor by two nurses and a guard. He'd smiled, laughed and seemed to be joking with the men surrounding him. But Jack had not seen him since then.

He sighed. He was beginning to feel restless. Sure, he'd been outside for a while with Mark earlier, but not for nearly as long as he wanted to be. Once more he'd asked Mark about Ianto, and he had still been given the same answer: that he shouldn't think about it. But he couldn't help himself. Something was wrong, and he knew it. He just didn't know what it was.

Jack was drawn out of his thoughts by the sight of Adam walking into the room. He couldn't believe his luck. For the first time since he'd waken up in this place, something good had happened to him. Good in the sense that he actually wanted it to happen.

Adam was coming out from the gated corridor that John had been taken to earlier that day. As he entered the room, Adam let his gaze sweep over the common room with a cold and condescending smile on his lips. His eyes stopped on the chair by the windows where he saw Jack looking back at him. As he saw the look in Jack's eyes, his smile became slyer.

Jack was looking at Adam with a question that he knew Adam would understand. And the smile he received sent shivers down his spine. Suddenly he began to question the decision to get more papers. Maybe he could just try to get the file himself again. But just as that thought crossed his mind, he pushed it aside. He couldn't do this himself, he needed Adam.

Adam nodded towards a seemingly empty corridor to his left. Jack got the hint and gave a quiet nod. Adam smiled and entered the corridor. As he turned his back to the windows, Jack sighed. He had a bad feeling about this. But nevertheless he left the chair and strolled aimlessly towards the same corridor that Adam had entered.

In the corridor Jack saw Adam's cleaning trolley outside one room. As he came closer it appeared to be the same small office they'd been in the first time. Once again, Jack swallowed hard.

"Am I that hard to resist?" The smile Adam gave him sent shivers down his spine.

But there was nothing more Jack could do but to nod.

"I need more papers," Jack said as he tried to give Adam a look of confidence.

Adam laughed and Jack knew that he hadn't succeeded.

"Of course you need more papers." Adam smiled and moved closer to Jack.

Not so close that they were touching, but close enough for Jack to feel the warmth from the other man. Jack's heart was racing and he wanted nothing more than to just back away. But he didn't want to let Adam intimidate him. So instead he moved an inch closer and looked Adam in the eyes.

"I want important papers. Papers that hold information, not nonsense."

The smack on his cheek from Adam's hand came so fast that he didn't have time to react. He stumbled a few steps backwards as his own hand flew up to the cheek in order to protect it from more hits.

"You'll take what I give you," Adam said between clenched teeth. "Remember?"

And yes, Jack remembered. How could he not?

He looked down in the floor and mumbled a quiet 'sorry'.

"Good boy," Adam sneered and patted Jack's head.

Then he backed away and sat down on the desk behind him. He crossed his arms and looked Jack up and down. And Jack could feel the stare. He felt it in every fibre in his body. But he didn't want to look up. As long as he looked down at the floor, he could pretend that he wasn't there.

"What am I to do today?" There was no mistaking the pure enjoyment in Adam's tone.

Jack could hear Adam lick his lips, and he knew that he wasn't going to like what was about to happen.

"Get over here," Adam said smoothly.

Jack swallowed hard before he obeyed. It was only a few steps to the desk. But those were the longest steps Jack had ever taken.

He came up to Adam, never looking up. This was the right position for him and he knew it. In here he was at the mercy of Adam.

"Hands on the desk."

Jack closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He hated to admit it, but he was scared.

He placed his hands on the desk in front of him. It was a low desk, so he ended up in a position that exposed his backside in a very uncomfortable way. He prayed that he would soon get up. Prayed with all of his might that Adam wouldn't let him stay like this for more than a few seconds. But deep down, he knew that all of his prayers were useless.

Adam moved closer to him. Jack could feel his eyes upon him. He tried to concentrate on something else. The feeling of the desk beneath his hands was filling his mind. Slowly, he tried to feel every dent in the wood. Feel it heating up under his touch.

"What a lovely sight," Adam mumbled as his hand stroked the waistband of Jack's white pants.

Jack drew a sharp breath at the sudden touch and tried harder to focus on something else. But the immediate contact with Adam made it hard to leave the room. No matter how much he wished for it to happen, his mind wouldn't drift away. He was stuck.

Suddenly he felt cold air hit his now bare thighs. He wasn't even aware that Adam had pulled his pants down. But now he could feel them around his ankles.

The fear in him was beginning to change into panic. He could feel his chest tighten and he tried to breathe. He tried to relax. He knew what was about to happen. He needed to be calm. Needed to relax. But the more he tried, the harder it became.

The sound of Adam's zipper being pulled down made its way to Jack's ears. It echoed through his head and made him want to throw up. He wanted to run away, but his body was frozen.

A sharp pain threatened to tear him apart as Adam plunged himself inside of Jack, without any preparation at all. And Jack couldn't help himself, he screamed. Not only from the pain, but also from the humiliation and the shame he felt for doing this.

Suddenly there was a hand covering his mouth and he felt Adam's body leaning over his back, pushing him down.

"Be quiet. You don't want me to gag you, now do you?"

Jack fought with himself to keep from crying, and shook his head.

"Thought so."

Adam let go of his mouth and took a firm hold of Jack's hips. Then he began to thrust. Hard and deep.

For every thrust, Jack bit harder and harder on his lips to prevent himself from screaming again. The pain threatened to tear him apart. Every thrust broke him. The low grunts from Adam told him that at least he was enjoying himself.

Jack didn't want to cry. He tried to stop himself. But some tears fell down his cheeks. He cursed them. He cursed the man behind him. He cursed the action. And he cursed himself for letting it go this far.

His legs were shaking. The pain made it hard for him to stay still. He felt his finger trying to dig into the wood beneath them. More tears were flowing, and there were nothing he could do to stop them. His breath was shallow, not allowing him to get the oxygen he needed.

Even though his eyes were closed he could see the dark spots that appeared in his vision. The pain and lack of air was threatening to make him faint. He tried to focus on his breathing; he tried to draw deep breaths. But as Adam's thrusts became erratic, so did Jack's breaths.

He heard Adam moan and chant something inaudible, and Jack knew he was close. And that thought made him disgusted. He wanted to throw up, and he knew he would. Not now, because he didn't want to give Adam the pleasure of knowing what he did to Jack. But as soon as Adam was gone, Jack would try to get rid of everything.

Adam's grip around Jack's hips tightened, and Jack could feel his nails dig into his flesh. And then Adam let out a guttural cry and Jack could feel hot, sticky fluid fill him up.

There were a moment of complete and utter silence and none of the two men moved; Adam since he was completely sated and Jack because the pain was straining on every muscle he had.

Adam's heavy breaths tickled Jack's neck as the man above him leaned down and whispered in his ear.

"Good boy."

Jack wanted to throw him off, but he couldn't move. And suddenly Adam was gone. He'd pulled back and left Jack empty, in more ways than one.

"God, I love that body of yours," Adam said with a smile as he pulled his zipper back up. "I could keep you like that forever."

Jack didn't answer. He could feel the warm stream of thick fluid making its way down his bare thighs. He swallowed the tears.

There was a sound of flickering in some papers before Jack felt something brush across his back.

"Enjoy," Adam smiled and left the room.

Jack heard the door close and opened his eyes. He saw some papers lying beside him. Papers that Adam had thrown at him.

He sighed. It was over. Once more it was over. And he was left with the nauseating feeling in his stomach. And the shame. The shame over what he'd done brought more tears to his eyes. What would Ianto say if he knew? Jack couldn't stop the thought crossing his mind. And just like that his stomach turned. He saw a trashcan and threw himself over it just in time as his dinner made its way back up. It splashed down in the plastic bag and was soon joined by new tears.

Jack wanted to scream, but his throat was sore from the acid he'd thrown up. Instead he pulled his pants up and curled up in a ball on the floor, clinging to his legs. He tried to calm down. Relax. Breathe. He did anything but to think about the pain that still ran through him.

* * *

Jack stumbled out of the room. All of his body ached, his legs didn't want to hold him up. The tears were gone. Only his red eyes were left, showing that tears had been there not too long ago. He clung to the papers underneath his shirt. He didn't want to let them go. _Never again, _he chanted in his head. _Never again. It isn't worth it._ Still he knew that he was kidding himself. It wasn't worth it, but he would do it again because he needed the information.

As he entered the common room, he saw John sitting on the couch. Just sitting there, staring into space. Jack stumbled up to him. He didn't know if he wanted to shout at him again or if he wanted to cry out to him, or if he wanted something else. His mind was too blank to know.

But when he got up to John, all of his thoughts left him. He looked at John and saw the empty stare he'd seen before. Not only from the medicines, but from something else too. All the thoughts of his aching body left Jack and he sat down next to John.

"John?" he said with all the concern he could muster.

There was no response. John just kept looking straight ahead.

"John?" Jack asked again and slowly put a hand on John's shoulder.

There was a slight reaction coming from John, a small shudder running through his body.

Jack could see a small shimmer of emotions running across John's eyes, and he could feel himself hurt once more. But this time, it was concern that hurt him.

Without thinking about what he was doing, he put his arm around John and pulled him closer. He held him tight, trying to comfort him.

"What have they done to you?" Jack whispered and kissed John's forehead.

John let himself be held and mumbled something that Jack couldn't understand.

"What did you say?" Jack asked, and stroked John's hair.

"I'm fine," John whispered.

Jack couldn't help but let out a desperate laugh.

"You may be many things, but 'fine' is not one of them."

John seemed to cuddle closer and Jack thought he could feel a small nod from John. Jack knew he was right, John was far from fine. And somehow, Jack felt the need to protect him.

"I'm gonna find out what's going on here," Jack whispered. "I'm gonna find it out, and I'm gonna put an end to it. You don't deserve this."

John let out a small sigh.

"Apparently I do," he whispered, but Jack didn't hear him.

* * *

A scream echoed through the apartment. Ianto violently sat up in bed. Cold sweat was dripping from his forehead, streaming down his face, mixing with the hot tears from his eyes. His breaths were hard and he tried to control himself. Tried to control his heart that was that was beating so hard that it was threatening to break though his chest. He took hold of his legs and pulled them closer to his body, burying his head in his knees. And he let go of all the tears.

Suddenly the door flung open.

"Are you okay?"

Ianto didn't reply. Owen moved closer.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

Still no reply.

Owen sat down next to Ianto. He let out an invisible sigh before he put his arm around Ianto and pulled him closer, trying to comfort him the best he could. Ianto leaned closer and Owen could feel his chest getting damp from the tears.

"Was it about Jack?"

Owen knew that he didn't even need to ask as he already knew the answer, but he needed it to be confirmed. And there was a small nod coming from Ianto.

"He tried to kill himself," Ianto whispered. "He was lying on the bed, blood dripping from his wrists. And there was nothing I could do."

The last words were drowned by new tears that muffled every sound.

Owen tightened his hold of him and tried to calm him down.

"It's just a dream, Ianto. Just a dream."

"It felt so real." Ianto whispered between sobs.

"I know. But Jack's okay. He's fine."

"No!" Ianto suddenly broke free from Owen's arms and pushed him away. "No! Jack's not fine! If he was, he'd be here. But he's not!"

Owen sighed again. Then he tried to put a hand on Ianto's shoulder. But Ianto shook him off; he was still upset.

"I know that, Ianto. But he's alive. He's not dead. And there is something you can do for him."

Ianto calmed down and looked at Owen. He didn't say a thing, just looked at him. He took Owen's still outstretched hand in his and gave it a light squeeze. Then he laid down again, staring up in the ceiling.

Owen got up and was about to move towards the door again, when Ianto grabbed his arm.  
"Please…" Ianto began, but trailed off.

But Owen didn't need to hear any more. He just smiled and laid down in bed beside Ianto. Ianto moved closer to the wall to make more room for Owen. And that made it possible for Owen to steal some of the covers from Ianto.

"Ddiolch," Ianto whispered and put his head against Owen's shoulder.

"Any time," Owen whispered back, whilst he put his arm around Ianto to protect him from other nightmares.

"I'm sorry…" Ianto mumbled as sleep was overtook him again.

Owen waited until Ianto was asleep before he tightened his hold once more and whispered back.

"Me too."

* * *

The next afternoon, Jack was back in the armchair where he'd read all the other papers. His body was sore, and every time he moved he felt like he was about to break. So he moved as little as possible. But his mind was clear. He'd managed to trick the staff into thinking that he'd taken the pills. Then he had spit them out. For the first time in days he was actually able to think clearly. No fuzzy undertones at all.

He hadn't seen John all day. He couldn't help but worry a bit. Last night, John had been almost broken, and Jack did not like that.

But he wasn't supposed to think about that right now. Because now he needed to focus on the papers that he would read. The new papers. He couldn't help but shudder at the thought of how he had gotten them. And the shudder made him hurt again.

The papers were hidden in another Marvel comic; that hid them from the staff. And when he saw the headline on the first paper, he couldn't help but let out a small cheer: it was the police report. The one paper he most wanted to read. So he made himself comfortable and began to read.

_**The hearing of Mr Ianto Jones in relation to the charges against Ms Lisa Hallet.  
Conducted by: PC Dylan Norrington, Cardiff Police Force.  
Friday 13 March, 14.35.  
How long were you and Ms Hallet a couple?  
**__We met in high school. She was in the year above me but that didn't matter much. I was 16 and she was 17 when we started dating. And we broke up about a year ago. So we'd been together for about nine years.  
__**Why did you break up?  
**__I broke up with her because I'd fallen in love with someone else.  
__**With Mr Harkness?  
**__Yes.  
__**How did you and Mr Harkness meet?  
**__We worked together at Hartman & Jones Publishing.  
__**Did you start there at the same time?  
**__No. I'd been working there since I was 20. Jack started working there in January 2007.  
__**When did the relationship between you and Mr Harkness deepen?  
**__I don't know, really. It just kind of grew. I mean, we worked together, and he fitted right in with me and my friends. So we just hung out after work with the others; had the occasional beer and stuff like that. But Jack was a flirt. He flirted with me all the time, and I liked it. I never got that kind of attention, not even from Lisa before we got together. But Jack really saw me. And I started to flirt back. I really don't know why, I just did. And I discovered that I was thinking more and more about Jack, and Jack saw that. Hell, everyone saw it.  
__**What happened then?  
**__Me and Jack had a talk. This was in November of the same year. He told me that he liked me. And I told him that I liked him, too, but that I was with Lisa. And he promised me that he wouldn't do anything if I didn't want to. He just wanted to let me know that if I wanted, then he would be waiting for me.  
__**And did you leave Ms Hallet then?  
**__No. I was too confused. So I stayed with Lisa. Sure, I still flirted with Jack. But I knew that nothing would happen if I didn't do anything.  
__**So when did your feelings change?  
**__It was during New Year's Eve. Lisa was away in Paris with some friends, so I spent the night with my friends. And I got drunk, really drunk. And like the friend he was, Jack helped me home. I don't know how it happened, but I kissed him. He spent the night. Nothing happened, but we both knew that there was no going back now.  
__**And that led to the break up?  
**__Yes. I left Lisa a week later. I told her that I still loved her, but not in the same way. And that I had found someone else.  
__**Did you tell Ms Hallet about Mr Harkness?  
**__No. I didn't think that she would like the fact that I had left her for another man.  
__**When did Ms Hallet find out about Mr Harkness?  
**__Last month. After we broke up, she left for London. And I guess she settled down there quite well. But for some reason, she was back in Cardiff last month. And she saw Jack and I when we left a restaurant. She saw us kiss.  
__**What happened then?  
**__She went crazy. I don't know, she just came up to us. She yelled and screamed and cried. She asked if I'd left her for Jack. And she asked how long I'd been pretending to be straight. She went on and on and on. And I couldn't speak. Didn't know what to say. All I could say was 'sorry'. But I don't think she heard that. She just yelled. So Jack told her to shut up. And then he took my arm and we went home.  
__**Did Ms Hallet do anything between then and the crash?  
**__Two days after the 'incident' she rang on my door and wanted to talk. She wanted me back. But I told her that I was with Jack and that was no way that I would ever leave him. She said nothing and just left. That was three weeks before the crash. I had no more contact with her, but I think I saw her a few times.  
__**What do you mean?  
**__It was like she was always there. When I looked around, she just seemed to be there. At least, I think it was her. She always disappeared before I could really register if it was her or not.  
__**So, what you're saying is that she was stalking you?  
**__Stalking seems pretty extreme, but yeah, something like that.  
__**Can you tell me about the morning of the crash?  
**__I got sick during the night. Woke up with fever and a killer headache. So I couldn't go to work. But Jack was still going. And his car was broken, so he was going to walk. But I told him to take my car, 'cause he would get to work faster, but more importantly he would get home faster. So he took it. And just a while later I got a call from the hospital that Jack had been hit.  
__**What did you usually do on a normal morning?  
**__Well, I get up and take a shower. Then I try to wake Jack. After that, I start making coffee and breakfast. When I'm done with that, I wake Jack up again. And if I'm lucky he'd get up. Otherwise I'd lure him up with coffee. After we've eaten, Jack takes a shower and I clean up the kitchen. And then we drive to work. Sometimes in the same car, sometimes in different. That depends on what day of the week it is.  
__**Why do you drive differently depending on the day of week?  
**__Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays I go to pick up my sister's kids from school. Both my sister and her husband are working late.  
__**And you do this every Tuesday and Thursday?  
**__Yes.  
__**Did Ms Hallet know this?  
**__Of course. I've been doing it for years. She thought it was cute._

The paper ended and Jack put it down. So, this was the report that he'd been wanting to read. All the information about how he and Ianto had gotten together was here, in Ianto's own words. It felt like a story. This was not what Jack knew. If he closed his eyes, he was sure that he would be able to see all the things he'd just read. And then he would start to think that they might be real. But this was not what he remembered, and as long as he didn't let himself question what was going on, he would still have his own memories.

He sighed. He knew it didn't matter what he did, because this story was supposed to be real. And without closing his eyes, he could already feel it. The shy smiles from Ianto as they flirted across the hallway between their cubicles. That almost heartbreaking talk about how Ianto couldn't leave Lisa, but that Jack would wait for him, forever if he had to. That first kiss on New Year's eve. Everything. Those strange memories were beginning to push away his own about Ianto and himself in Torchwood.

He shook his head. Shook away all those thoughts. He didn't have the time to dwell on that. Not now. There were more papers he needed to read. More information he needed to get. So he looked down at the next paper in his hands, and almost choked on his breath.

_**Regarding John Smith, a.k.a The Doctor  
**__One character that frequently appears in Jack's world is a man known as 'The Doctor'. Sometimes, he also goes by the name of John Smith. The thing that strikes as the strangest about this man is that, according to Mr Ianto Jones, there has never been a man with that name in Jack's life. All of the other people in Jack's mind do exist, whereas this Doctor is a mere creation of Jack's imagination.  
So, who is this Doctor, and why is he so important to Jack?  
According to the 'memories' Jack has about this man, the Doctor is a Time Lord. The last of his kind. He travels through time and space with his one companion (which changes from time to time). And on these travels he saves people and planets. And he saved Jack. Guided him onto the right path.  
But if you look closer at this man, it seems that he is more than just a traveller. He is almost like a father.  
The first time Jack stumbled across the Doctor was at a time when he was lost. He was stuck in a rut because of his destructive behaviour. Then the Doctor came along and helped him to find the right direction.  
Then, Jack spent some time in the Doctor's company before something happened. The Doctor abandoned him. And once more Jack was alone.  
Why did the Doctor leave?  
In Jack's mind, it was because of his immortality. But as for what happened in the real world, is still a question. There's no useful explanation to why the Doctor left. No significant event took place. And yet Jack let himself be abandoned by an imaginary person.  
How did this affect Jack?  
He got lost and was desperate to find the Doctor once more. And everything he did after that was to find the Doctor. But he also did it so that the Doctor would be proud of him. Jack changed himself and the things in his environment in order to please the Doctor. An action that very much resembles that of a child trying to please a parent.  
Perhaps the Doctor is the embodiment of Jack's lost father. The father that died when Jack was hospitalized due to his depression after loosing his brother.  
There are no records about Jack's life after he left the hospital when he was 14. And after his mother's passing five years ago, there is no one to ask. Jack himself does not speak of this time, neither do Doctor Brody or boyfriend Ianto Jones.  
Perhaps there was a John Smith that 'fixed' Jack when he was younger. And perhaps that's why he's still left in Jack's mind._

Jack put the papers down. He didn't know how to react. For the first time since he began reading the file, he didn't know how to feel. He wasn't confused. Nor was he angry, nor sad, nor anything else. He was just empty.

Was the Doctor just a figure of his imagination? He wanted to say no. He wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs. Yet he couldn't be sure. No matter how real it felt for him that the Doctor actually existed, he had the throbbing feeling in the back of his head that he might be wrong. Just like how he had felt with everything else that had happened to him.

Jack was tired. More tired than ever before. Not physically tired, but mentally. All the thoughts about what was right and what was wrong fought for dominance in his mind. He was tired of listening to all the thoughts. Tired of doubting himself. He'd thought that everything would become clear once he'd read the files. But he'd been wrong. For every paper he read, he became more and more confused. And at the moment, he could no longer tell what the truth was. He didn't even know if he still cared.

* * *

Ianto sat on the couch in the apartment and tried to read, though he found it hard to concentrate on the book as he felt Owen's eyes on him. He looked up over the top of the book and saw Owen look away.

"Just say it."

"Huh?" Owen looked over at him, and was trying to look confused.

"I know there's something you want to say. You've been acting strange all day. So just say it."

"Fine."

Owen turned off the TV that he'd been pretending to watch and he turned towards Ianto. Ianto smiled at him and put the book down on the coffee table in front of him.

"We have to talk about this situation," Owen nervously began.

"What situation?" Ianto knew perfectly well what Owen meant; he just wanted to hear the words.

"You know…this…all of this…with you and…Jack."

Ianto swallowed hard. He knew that this conversation was inevitable. Still, he didn't want to have it.

"There is no need to talk about anything. It's my situation, and mine alone."

Owen tried hard not to let out a laugh. Instead he swallowed it and it became a small cough.

"You live here, Ianto. You're my friend. And so is Jack. So I kind of think that it's my situation, too."

"Owen…" Ianto began, but Owen raised his hands in defence.

"Before you say anything, I just want you to listen. I want us to have this conversation as two grown up men. Which means no screaming or raised voices. Just a calm discussion. Deal?"

Ianto gave it a moment's thought before he nodded.

"Good."

Suddenly, Owen felt nervous. He knew he needed this conversation. He'd wanted it for days. And now was as good a time as ever to speak to Ianto about it. But the thing that made him nervous was the fact that Jack was a very touchy subject for Ianto, and the wrong words would set him off. So, Owen had to really think before he spoke. He took a deep breath and began.

"I know that we've kind of had this discussion before, but after last night I feel that we need to really talk it through. I'm worried about you, Ianto. I love you and I want what's best for you. But I'm not sure that the decision you've made is the right one."

Ianto was about to interrupt when Owen gave him a stern look and continued.

"I know it's your decision to make. But I can see that it haunts you. It's only been four days, and you've already had three nightmares; all about Jack dying. You have to see him. If you're gonna stop going, you'll have to go there and tell him. You know as well as I do that that would put your mind at ease. And I'm not saying this because I don't think you can make decisions on your own, 'cause I know you can. I'm saying this because I can't bear to see you in pain. I love you too much for that."

Owen leaned back on the couch. He'd said what he wanted to say. And now, he waited for Ianto to start yelling at him.

But Ianto just sat there, quiet. Looking down at the floor. Owen could almost hear the thoughts rushing through his mind. But he let Ianto take his time. This was not something that needed to be hurried along.

"You're right about one thing," Ianto said, without looking up. "It's my decision."

He looked up and met Owen's eyes. They looked at each other in silence for a moment. And Owen could already see that Ianto was fighting back upcoming tears.

"I love Jack. But I can't face him. I can't sit in that room and tell him that I won't be coming back. And I can't go there and pretend that everything is okay. Like you said, you know me. And I'm falling apart. When Jack first got sick, I was strong. I carried on for the both of us. He was too weak to live, so I lived for the both of us. I helped him breathe. My heart beat for him. I hold him up so that he can continue to move. I kept him from drowning. It's just that now _I'm_ drowning. I can no longer breathe for him. My lungs are not that strong. And my heart is breaking from the effort of keeping him alive. I can't almost stand up on my own. How on earth am I supposed to carry him?"

Owen gave a small nod. He knew this, just not that it was so bad. But Ianto didn't seem to notice Owen's response.

"If I fall apart, so will he," Ianto continued. And now the tears were actually falling, but he didn't seem to notice. "And I don't want Jack to break. So, in order to save him, I will stop going there. 'Cause if I can get stronger, so can he. But for that to happen, I have to take back my life. I have to, no matter how much it pains me."

"And the nightmares?" Owen couldn't keep from asking. He knew that the nightmares were something that got to Ianto in more ways than one.

"I can handle them," Ianto spat. He was getting annoyed. "I'm not that scared little kid anymore that needs you to protect him. If you haven't noticed, I've grown up."

"I have noticed," Owen said with a sad smile. "I've noticed."

And the silence crept over them again. They were looking at each other. Owen tried to smile, but it just looked sad. Ianto wiped his tears away and took a deep breath to keep the rest of them on the inside.

"Do you understand my decision now?" Ianto asked.

"Yes," Owen nodded. "I understand, but I don't agree."

"I don't expect you to. I just want you to respect it."

"He deserves to know…"

"Don't go there."

Ianto stood up and headed to the guestroom.

"It's getting late. I'm going to sleep."

"Okay. Night."

"Night."

And he left the room, leaving Owen silent on the empty couch.

Owen watched him close the door and he sighed. Ianto had told him exactly what he'd expected to hear. And Owen had been honest. He did understand, but he did not agree. He thought that Jack deserved to know. So with a second sigh, he made his own decision before going to bed.

* * *

Ddiolch = Thanks (or so I think)

* * *

**Reviews?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclamer: Do you think I own Torchwood? In that case I'm sorry to disappoint you, cause I don't**

**AN: Here's another chapter for you. I hope that you'll like it.**

**I want to thank all of you who leaves reviews after you've read. I treasure every oppinion you have.  
I also want to thank all of my silent stalkers who reads this. I hope you like what I give to you.  
Remember that it's for all of you that I write.**

**And I want to send the hugest thank to TheWeddingFairy, my amazing beta. I love you for sticking with me for hours at the time :)**

**Now, on with the story.  
**

* * *

He ran. The darkness surrounded him, and he ran faster. Stumbled forwards. It was a forest around him. Not that he could see it. He felt it. The twigs reached after him, trying to capture him; ripping his clothes. The roots tried their best to trip him, to make him fall to the cold ground. Somewhere far ahead, or far behind, a whisper echoed. He couldn't hear the words, just the light sound. His heart pounded as he ran faster, trying to reach the voice. But his heart beats were drowning the soft voice. He tried to listen harder. The whisper echoed through the empty woods. He ran faster.

A hidden root suddenly appeared. His foot got stuck underneath it. He fell; hands out trying to soften the fall. Still he hit the ground hard. He felt himself scream, but he couldn't hear it. The soft whisper faded away, and he couldn't reach it anymore. He cried.

Jack woke and sat up. His legs were hurting like he'd been running for real. But when he looked around he saw that he was still in the same white room as before. He sighed and tried to wipe away sleep from his eyes. Then he felt the tears. He hadn't realised that he was crying. But he didn't blame himself. He knew he had all the reasons in the world to cry. But he tried to not let the despair take over.

He leaned against the soft wall and pulled his legs as close to his body as humanly possible. He put his arms around his legs and rested his head against his knees. Slowly, he breathed. In and out. He tried to make the tears go away. In and out. Thinking about anything but this place. In and out. He felt the pressure on his chest lift. In and out. It was easier to breathe. In and out. His heart was beating slowly and calmly. In and out. He felt calm.

Suddenly, the door opened and Jack looked up. He expected Mark to stand there with two cups in his hands. But there were no Mark. Instead, Natalie stood there, smiling, with a tray in her hands.

"'Morning, love," she said as she came up to Jack. "Did you sleep well?"

Jack just looked at her and nodded.

"Where's Mark?" he had to ask.

"He has the day off today."

Again, Jack nodded and looked at the tray Natalie put down in front of him. It was the same oatmeal, cheese sandwich and orange juice as always. But Jack was confused.

"Where's the pills?"

"You'll get them later today, love," Natalie smiled and sat down on the floor.

"Doctor Jane wants to see you as early as possible," she continued, seeing the discomfort her answer gave to Jack. "So she said that you will be given your medicine in the common room after the session."

Jack said nothing. He just looked down at his plate with disgust. The oatmeal looked even more tasteless than usual. He took the spoon in his hand and played a little with the bland mush. As he could feel Natalie's gaze on him, he lifted to spoon to his mouth. Still trying to decide if he should open and eat or not, the spoon touched his lips and he shuddered. Slowly, he took the food into his mouth and swallowed, trying to taste as little of the oatmeal as possible. He then put down the spoon and pushed the tray away from him.

"Jack." He could hear the warning in Natalie's voice.

He looked up and met her eyes. They were looking at him with a soft warning. He just crossed his arms over his chest and looked back.

"Jack," she said again. "You're going to eat your breakfast."

"No."

"Jack."

"No, I'm not hungry." He tried to sound confident, but he knew that his voice trembled a bit. And his stomach gave him away by deciding to take just that moment to speak its own mind.

"We've had this discussion before, Jack. You will eat, or else we're going to make you eat."

The words were spoken softly, but they did contain an underlying threat about restrains which made Jack swallow hard. They never broke eye contact. Both of them as persistent as the other. But it was Jack that finally gave in and, with a sigh, ate everything on the plate. Natalie watched him eat in silence.

When he was done, she took the tray and headed back towards the door. Before she closed it, she turned around and looked at him.

"I'll be right back, love. I'm just going to get this back to the kitchen."

Jack nodded, but didn't look at her. Instead he kept his eyes on the floor, trying to ignore the foul taste of the food still lingering in his mouth.

* * *

Half an hour later, Jack sat in Doctor Jane's office once more. It had been a week since he'd last been there, and much had happened. But nothing that he could tell Doctor Jane about.

He sat on the couch with his hands between his knees to keep them from nervously playing with the hem of his shirt.

Doctor Jane sat on her chair in front of him. Her hands were closed, as if in prayer. And she smiled at him. That reassuring smile she always seemed to give him when he felt nervous. He tried to smile back, but failed miserably. He could feel that it became more of a grimace than a smile.

"So Jack," she began and Jack could feel himself calm down. "It's been a while since I last saw you."

"Where have you been?" Jack didn't giver her any time to continue. He had questions that he wanted answers to, and no one else had given them to him.

"I've been away," she said, hesitation in every word.

"I know that. Where have you been?" Jack hoped he didn't sound as irritated as he felt.  
"It was a family emergency."

"What happened?"

Doctor Jane hesitated before answering. She wondered whether or not she should tell Jack about her private life since he was her patient. But she had a soft spot for Jack, and decided that she could tell him as he told her all about his private life.

"My father died a week ago. So I was home in Nottingham with my family for the funeral."

"I'm sorry," Jack mumbled. He suddenly felt guilty for asking.

"Don't worry about it. He was sick. So it was only a matter of time before he passed away."

"Still, I'm sorry."

Jane's smile grew softer and she placed a hand on Jack's knee.

"Thank you."

He looked up at her and this time he actually managed to smile back at her.

"But we're here to talk about you, Jack."

They both leaned back into their own chairs and Jack focused on what Doctor Jane said. Just so that he wouldn't say too much about what he'd been up to.

"I've been told that you've been good this week. But you got sick last Tuesday. Apparently you threw up?"

Jack shuddered. He remembered that. And the thought of it made him feel nauseous again. He swallowed a few times before he could manage to answer.

"I got better."

"So I've heard. But why did you throw up?"

Pictures of what had happened flooded Jacks mind and he tried desperately to push them all away. He didn't want to let anything show on his face. And he didn't want the pictures in his mind.

"I don't know. Maybe something I ate…" he said with a shrug a few seconds later, hoping that it sounded convincing.

Doctor Jane looked at him for a moment as if she was trying to decide whether to believe him or not. Jack held his breath in fear that she would see through the lie.

When she slowly nodded he let out a small sigh. He was safe, for now.

"I'm glad to hear that you've been socialising more with John. It's good for you to spend time with others."

"When will Ianto be coming back?" Jack had to ask. He didn't care about what Doctor Jane had just said. That was the one question he needed answers to, and no one would give them to him. But he knew that Jane was in contact with Ianto. He'd seen it in the papers. She must know what was going on.

"He didn't come last week?"

Jack shook his head. Then he saw something that he didn't want to see. It happened so fast that if he hadn't been looking at Doctor Jane at that moment, he would have missed it. It was a small trace of confusion and worry that could be seen in her eyes. But before Jack had the time to look closer, it was gone. And instead there was the same calm and confidence that used to be in her eyes.

"Perhaps he was sick."

"Ianto doesn't get sick." Jack knew that. And even if Ianto got sick, he would always do what was needed of him anyway. Jack knew that he almost had to tie Ianto to the bed just to get him to rest when he was feeling ill. Sickness would not stop him from coming to see Jack, he knew that.

"Of course he does. He's just a man. But don't you worry. I'm sure that he will come this week instead."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

But Jack wasn't convinced. He wouldn't be until he saw Ianto again.

"So, Jack… Can you tell me about your week?"

And Jack began to tell her what he knew she wanted to hear.

* * *

After the session, Natalie led Jack through the corridor leading to the common room. She was smiling at him and there was a light twinkle in her eyes. But Jack didn't notice. He was lost in his own thoughts. During the session with Doctor Jane, he'd only been telling half truths. Nothing about Adam, nothing about the files, nothing about his desire to find out the truth, and nothing about his spirit breaking. He was still very unsure about what to believe about everything. And for every day that passed he got more and more convinced that maybe he was wrong. But he didn't want to let Doctor Jane know about his doubts, because she didn't understand his struggle to make sense out of everything. He just hoped that she didn't see through his lies and hidden truths.

Jack was about to turn left into the common room when he felt Natalie's hand on his back.

"Not right now, love," she said.

Jack stopped and just looked at Natalie. Confusion was written all over his face. But she didn't say anything; just smiled and made Jack move along the corridor with her. After just a few feet Jack realised where he was going: the visitation room.

"I have a visitor?" He almost couldn't contain the joy he felt.

Natalie gave him a soft smile and nodded. Jack's heart skipped a beat in excitement and he hurried up his steps. He wanted to reach the room as fast as possible. Natalie laughed and sped up to match his pace.

Right outside of the room Natalie made Jack stop. He looked at her, but she still smiled.

"I'm letting you see him alone. I know you've missed him. I'll wait here."

"Thank you," Jack mumbled and gave her a quick hug.

He took a deep breath to calm his heart down. He couldn't believe it, but he was nervous. There were too many questions he wanted to ask.

He entered the room and froze in shock and disbelief. It wasn't Ianto standing there. Instead, it was the scrawny figure of Owen that met his eyes.

Owen looked even more nervous than Jack felt. And the moment of shock was soon over.

"Owen," Jack said with a smile. "I'm so glad to see you."

Owen didn't say a thing but tried to smile as he looked everywhere but directly at Jack. But Jack didn't care. He hurried over to the other man and before he could stop himself, he hugged him.

"Did Ianto send you here?" Jack asked as he let go of Owen.

"No…" Owen began, but Jack interrupted him.

"I asked him to tell you I needed you to come. You need to help me." Jack felt hope return to him. He felt the same way that he did last time he met Ianto. All of the things that had happened during the last week seemed to be temporarily lost.

"Look, Jack. Ianto doesn't know I'm here. If he did he would have done _anything_ to keep me from coming."

Jack was confused. He took a few steps back and looked at Owen. He didn't know what to say, so Owen continued.

"Ianto's told me everything about all of this. You have no idea what it's doing to him. Ever since you came here, he's almost been living with me. He can't stand to be alone in your apartment. He's been there for you. But he's falling apart. I've seen it."

Jack was about to interrupt, but Owen held up his hand and didn't let him say a word.

"He won't be coming back here for a while. I have no idea for how long. But he can't stand to see you like this anymore. He's breaking down, and I'm there to pick him up every time. I'm here because I feel that, no matter how sick you are, you deserve to know why he won't be coming back. He wanted to just stop coming. But I think he's wrong for doing that."

Owen stopped and looked at Jack. Jack didn't know what to say, what to do. He just looked at Owen and saw the pain in his eyes. But that pain was nowhere near the pain the words caused Jack.

"Ianto loves you, Jack. He really does."

"Then why won't he come and see me?" it was nothing more than a whisper, but Owen heard him.

"Because he can't pretend to be strong for you anymore. He has to find his own strength again before he can come back. I know you love him. All he wants for you is to get better."

Jack thought that he could see tears in Owen's eyes, but he wasn't sure. There was so much he wanted to say, but there were no words left in him. So they looked at each other in silence for a moment.

Then Owen took a few steps towards the door.

"I have to go. No one knows I'm here, and I'm late for work."

He put a hand on Jack's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.

"Take care, Jack. Remember that he loves you."

Jack just nodded and watched as Owen made his way through the door and left him all alone.

"Are you alright, love?"

Natalie's voice came from behind him. He couldn't react to it. He was too shocked by what Owen had told him. Natalie put a hand on his back and continued to talk as she guided him to the common room. But Jack didn't hear what she said. He felt numb. It wasn't from the medicine this time. This was a different numbness. He knew that he should be crying. Knew that he should feel something. But all he could feel was tightness in his chest.

Natalie made him sit down on the couch and she gave him his morning pills. Just like the day before, Jack pretended to take them, and apparently he succeeded in tricking her. She gave his shoulder a small squeeze before she left him all alone.

Jack felt it all, but he didn't register it. Owen's words still rang in his ears. He didn't want to believe them. He didn't want to believe that Ianto had abandoned him like that. There had to be another reason for everything that had happened. He had to find out what was going on, once and for all. And there was only one way for him to find out the truth. A plan was beginning to form in his mind.

* * *

The sun was setting outside the windows. The huge shadow from the oak right outside was falling over Jack's back as he sat in an armchair, looking for Adam. He knew that the janitor was working today, he'd seen him earlier. Jack didn't like what he had to do. But he had no other choice, he was desperate.

Just when he was beginning to think that maybe he'd missed Adam, he saw him standing outside one of the supply closets next to the common room. He was opening the door and taking his trolley inside. Jack knew that this time Adam wouldn't look inside the common room. He wouldn't see Jack's need. So instead, Jack got up and made his way to the closet.

When he got there Adam was standing with his back to the door. Jack took a deep breath: he had to do this. So he took a step inside, and let out a small cough. Adam turned around and looked at him. First, there was surprise in his face. When he saw that it was Jack standing there, a smug smile lit up his features.

"Can't get enough of me now, can you?" Adam crossed his arms over his chest and his smile broadened.

Jack couldn't help but shudder before he was able to speak.

"I don't need papers this time."

"No?" There was some element of surprise in Adam's voice, but he was curious about what Jack would want this time.

"No. I need another favour. I need you to get me some clothes so that I can get out of here."

Adam raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"No way." He said and crossed his arms more firmly.

"You said that you helped the patients get what they needed."

"I do. But…"

"And I need to get out of here. I'll do anything."

Jack didn't like to say it, but he knew that it was the truth. He would do anything to get out of here. He needed to. But Adam just shook his head.

"No way, Jack. Sure, I help the patients. Extra food, drugs, papers, tools. Anything they need. But I do not help them to get out of here. That's for the doctors to do."

Jack could feel anger rising in him. This was not part of his plan. He clenched his fists to keep his brewing anger in check.

"I need you to do this for me," Jack said between clenched teeth. There was an underlying threat that he hoped that Adam would pick up on.

"I told you," Adam began and moved closer. "No."

By the last word he was standing mere inches away from Jack. His breath was hot against Jack's face. And the look in his eyes was the last straw for Jack. Without realising what he was doing, his clenched fists had made contact with Adam's jaw.

The sudden impact made Adam stumble backwards against the wall. His hand made its way to the jaw to soothe the pain.

"Fuck!" he spat as he looked over at Jack again, anger in his eyes. "Fuck. That hurt. You're in deep shit now, Harkness. Just you wait. You'll pay for that."

The adrenaline was pumping through Jack's body. His own heartbeats drowned out the words from Adam. He knew the tone, saw the anger. And he couldn't contain himself anymore. He threw himself at Adam. His fists connected with his jaw once more. Jack could feel blood dripping from Adam's lip. A weak punch hit him in the stomach as Adam tried to defend himself. Jack knew it was a hard punch, but he didn't feel it. He was too consumed with anger.

He hit again and again. There was a crunching sound and a muffled scream as his fist smashed into Adam's nose. Blood was streaming down the face and smearing onto Jack's knuckles. But he didn't care. All he cared about was causing as much damage as he could.

His fist made harsh contact with Adam's stomach and knocked all of the air out of him. A quiet whimper flew from Adam's lips as he fell to the ground. But Jack wasn't done. He bent down and grabbed Adam by the collar and pulled him up on to his feet again. He pushed Adam hard against the wall and pressed his arm hard against Adam's throat.

Jack paused for a few seconds, catching his breath. He looked at Adam and was met by a pathetic sight. A blood smeared face was looking back at him, and the panic in the eyes almost made Jack laugh. Instead, an evil smile made its way to his lips. Revenge was sweet. He pressed harder on Adam's throat, making him squeal from the lack of oxygen.

Jack's eyes went cold. He gathered all of his strength for a final attack. And without any warning he thrust his knee up into Adam's groin with all the power he could muster. A soundless scream escaped Adam as Jack let him go and he fell to the ground, his hands trying to protect his most valuable parts. Jack looked down on him and couldn't resist. He steadied himself against the wall and kicked Adam hard in the stomach. The rush of satisfaction flooded through him so he kicked again. And again. And again.

Then he stopped. He looked down on the pathetic excuse for a human lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. There were no movements coming from Adam, and for a second Jack got scared that he'd pushed it too far.

But then he saw a shallow breath heaving Adam's chest, and he let out a relieved sigh. No matter how much he hated the man, he did not want his blood on his hands. At least not more of it than he already had.

Jack felt his heart slow down, and the adrenaline left his body. And suddenly it hit him that he still needed to get out of here. He needed different clothes so that he could leave. He wouldn't get any help from Adam. And if he didn't hurry up his actions would come back and bite him in the ass, that he knew for sure.

He looked around and realised where he was. On every shelf in the supply closet lay clothes. This must be the closet where they keep the clean clothes. He let out a laugh. He'd been so preoccupied with Adam that he hadn't realised that all the things he needed lay just in front of him.

He quickly stripped out of the all white clothes that he was wearing, leaving him standing in just his boxers. He let his gaze wander over the shelves as he tried to figure out what clothes would draw the least attention to him. Finally, he decided on a pair of blue nursing pants and a neutral grey t-shirt. Since there were no shoes and he didn't have any of his own, he took the ones that Adam was wearing. Jack had to bite back a small groan of pain when he put them on; apparently Adam's feet were a few sizes smaller than Jack's. But he didn't care. He needed the shoes. Then he took a white coat that hung there, a coat just like the one the doctors had.

When he was done he wished that he had a mirror. He wanted to know if he looked like anything other than a patient. But as there wasn't a mirror present, he had to rely on the fact that he had other clothes. Now all he had to do was to find a way out of this place.

He shot one last look at Adam and wondered whether or not he was done with him. Adam's eyes were still closed and his breath shallow. So Jack decided that he was finished. And with that, he left the closet and closed the door behind him.

He looked around and was wondering where he should go now. He needed to get out, but he didn't think it was a good idea to use the front door. That might draw attention to him. And attention was the last thing he wanted at the moment.

Then he saw it. On the roof right in front of him hung a sign saying 'emergency exit'. He couldn't believe his luck. A remote exit was just what he needed right now. So he began walking in the sign's direction.

Soon he saw the exit. The descending sun shined through the windows on the door. And it was one of the most beautiful sights Jack had ever seen. He smiled and began walking towards it. Since he had left the closet he hadn't seen another person, and he was relieved. And soon he would be outside. Then he could walk away and leave this place.

Then suddenly the door next to the emergency exit opened and two men walked through. Jack's heart skipped a beat and he cursed himself for thanking his lucky stars too soon. The two men, doctors judging by their clothing, were talking amongst themselves so Jack prayed that they wouldn't notice him as they walked past each other.

They closed in on each other. Jack looked at the door in front of him, trying desperately to imagine how he would put his hand on the handle and open it. The two men still didn't look up. They passed, and Jack was just about to let out a relieved sigh when one of the men spoke.

"Excuse me?"

Jack swallowed hard and tried to keep his nerves in check.

"Yes?"

"Do you know if Doctor Smith is still in?"

Jack felt all the tension leaving him in a heart beat. He was safe.

"I think so."

"Great. I really need to see him."

"Then you should hurry. Just in case, I mean."

"Yeah."

Jack was just about to turn around as the other man spoke.

"Are you going home already? I thought your shift lasted another hour."

Jack cursed under his breath. Of course one of them had to question him working here.

"I know," Jack began, trying desperately to think of a reason for leaving early. "But it's an emergency. My kid is sick, and my wife is away on business."

The man looked at him for a second before smiling.

"Okay. Then you'd better hurry home. Can't have a sick kid waiting for too long."

"No. Have a nice evening," Jack said with a smile as he turned around.

"You too," the two men answered and headed deeper inside the building.

Jack let out a sigh and relaxed once more. He'd been lucky this time. But as he didn't want to test his luck any more, he hurried towards the door and opened it.

The faint sunlight stung in his eyes, but he didn't care. He loved the feeling. Once he got used to the lighting outside he saw that he stood in a parking lot. And just a few yards away, he saw the open gate that would lead him to freedom.

He knew that he was in the outskirts off Cardiff, and it was a long way to the apartment where he lived. He also knew that he didn't have any money, so he couldn't take a taxi. Then he looked around, and once again he realised that he was standing in a parking lot. There were cars everywhere. He smiled. He knew that he couldn't take just any car. He needed one that didn't draw any attention to it. One that would be almost invisible amongst all the others on the street.

So he strolled down the parking lot, carefully inspecting all of the cars. And soon he found the perfect car. It was an old Volvo. The painting was a dull blue, and the best part was that it didn't have any alarm.

Jack walked up to the car and felt the door. He let out a laugh as the door easily opened under his touch. And after a quick look around the area to see that he was alone he got into the car and hot-wired it. The engine began to purr like a cat and Jack smiled. He put it into reverse and left the parking spot. The car was easy to work with. And when Jack drove through the gate he felt more hope than he'd felt for days. He was finally getting to the bottom of this.

* * *

Owen sat in the kitchen and waited for the coffee to be ready. He had a headache, and he knew that it was because of his lack of caffeine during the day. All day he'd been thinking about his visit to Jack. He didn't like going behind Ianto's back, but this time he knew that he was right in doing so.

The phone's sudden ring made him moan as the pain flashed through his head. He hurried up and answered as he didn't want anymore shrill rings to come.

"Owen speaking."

"_Hello, Owen_," a woman said in the other end. "_This is Doctor Jane Brody at Safe Haven. May I speak to Mr Jones?_"

"Umm…"Owen began. The pain made it a bit hard for him to think. "I'm sorry. But he's not here. Can I take a message?"

"_Do you know when he'll be back?_"

"Nope. I have no clue. A few days, maybe."

There was a small sigh coming from the other end.

"_Do you know where I can get hold of him?_"

"Honestly? No." Owen began to feel irritated. Where was she going with all these questions? "He's gone to London with a co-worker. To some kind of spa. He needed to relax."

"_And there's no way to get hold of him?_"

"No. He wants to be left alone. Is there something I can help you with?"

Doctor Jane sighed again. And Owen had to concentrate to not let her know just how irritated he was becoming.

"_Well, I guess I can tell you. It might concern you, too._"

"It's something about Jack, isn't it?"

"_Yes it is. He's run away_."

"What?" Owen couldn't believe what he'd heard.

"_About an hour ago Jack stole some clothes and a car, and ran away._"

"I thought that your place was safe… That you could take care of him. He's sick!"

"_I know. But he somehow managed to escape. And I have a feeling that he will come looking for Ianto_."

"Why?"

"_He's been upset for days because Ianto didn't show up last week. And I think that's the reason he left._"

Owen sighed. This was not something he felt he had the time to deal with. But it was Jack they were talking about. Jack was his friend, so he had to do something.

"What do you want from me?" He finally asked.

"_I want you to tell Ianto this as soon as you hear from him. And if you see Jack, please call me. If you do, I'll be there as fast as I can and pick him up._"

"Is he dangerous?"

"_No. He's just lost._"

"Fine," Owen sighed. "I'll keep my eyes open."

"_Thank you._"

Owen closed his eyes and hung up. This was not something he wanted to worry Ianto with.

Just as he hung up, the door to the bathroom opened and Ianto came out, soaking wet from the hot shower.

"Who was that?" Ianto asked as he dried his hair.

"What?" Owen got temporarily confused.

"Who rang? Who was it?"

"No one," Owen answered, almost too quickly. "Just the wrong number."

"Okay."

Ianto made his way to the bedroom to put some clothes on.

"The coffee will be ready in a minute," Owen called after him and smiled.

Ianto answered something that Owen didn't hear, but he didn't mind. He got two cups from the cupboard and placed them next to the coffee machine.

He didn't know if he'd done the right thing by lying. But he knew that Ianto wasn't in a state to deal with an astray Jack. He needed his peace and quiet, and Owen would do anything to protect him. Whether Ianto wanted him to or not.

* * *

A few blocks away from the apartment, Jack pulled up by the side of the road and parked the car. He didn't want to drive all the way up to the apartment. If the car's owner found it, he didn't want it to be to clear that it was him who stole it in the first place. So he left the car, and closed the door behind him.

As the cool September air swept around him he couldn't help but shudder. It was a bit cold, and he wished that he'd had a thicker coat to put on. But as it was, he only had the doctor's coat that he had stolen from the closet.

He walked along the streets up to the apartment that he shared with Ianto. He hoped that Ianto would be home. At that thought, he couldn't help but smile. Oh, how he missed Ianto. And then they could work together to figure everything out.

A small breeze played across Jack's skin, and he shuddered once more. He put his hands in the coat's pockets and pulled his shoulders up. Anything to keep as warm as possible. He wondered if they'd found Adam yet. And if they had, did they know who had beaten him up? Did they know that Jack was missing? If they did know, had they called Ianto and told him? There were so many questions, and Jack had no answers. He hoped that they hadn't discovered yet that he was missing, but he couldn't be sure. All he hoped for was that they wouldn't find him before he'd found out the truth.

An hour later, Jack stood outside of the apartment building where he supposedly lived with Ianto. He'd been standing outside for almost half an hour, just watching the front door. He was nervous. He didn't know if he should just walk inside and take whatever happened, or if he should spend the night somewhere else and come back tomorrow so that he could see if Ianto was there or not.

One thing he'd discovered as he stood there was that there was a door code to enter, and he didn't know the code. Nor did he have a key to open the door with. So even if he decided to go inside, he didn't know how he should do that.

But despite his better judgement, he decided that he should get into the apartment. So he crossed the street and stopped outside the door. He didn't know if he should press the button to Ianto's apartment on the door phone, or if he should try someone else's. But he decided that firstly he should go with someone else's.

So he let his finger trail along the line of buttons, and finally pressed a random one.

"Yes?" A hoarse voice replied.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir." Jack said, and used his sweetest voice. "But I seem to have locked myself out. Could you please open the door?"

There came some muffled curses from the phone which made Jack smile. But soon there was a buzz coming from the door, and Jack thanked his lucky stars. He was just about to say 'thank you' to the man on the other end, but the phone had gone quiet.

So Jack went inside and looked around. It was a small entrance; just a door leading down to the basement and a staircase leading up to the apartments. He knew where he should go. In the papers he'd seen that he lived on the top floor. So he made his way up the stairs.

Soon he was standing outside the door on the third floor. On the door both his and Ianto's names hung on a small wooden sign. Jack smiled. The letters were carved into the wood, and black paint was used to let the letters really show. It was very neat, and so very much like Ianto.

Since Jack had no key, he didn't really know how to open the door. He felt the handle, and it was locked. Just as he had suspected. He could kick it down, but that would draw too much attention to him. So he decided against that. But a little idea came into his mind. He took the sign in his hands and turned it around. Then he let out a small chuckle. On the backside of the sign there hung a key on a small nail.

Jack took the key in his hand and put it in the lock of the door. It fitted. So he turned it around, and the door slowly opened. He was inside.

As the door opened more the closed-in air hit Jack in the face. And he could feel that no one had been there for a long time.

He walked in and turned on the light in the hallway. When he closed the door behind him, he almost tripped on the stack of commercials lying just beneath the door. That made him remember what Owen had told him earlier. Ianto hadn't been living here for almost ten months. He'd been living with Owen. Though that didn't become real for Jack until he stood in the apartment and saw it for himself. His chest felt heavy. And he could feel the tears getting stuck in his throat.

He walked deeper inside the apartment. When he entered a new room he turned on the light there, too. It was the living room. The light spread over the dusty furniture. Not a single item had been used for a long time. It was like time had stopped in there. Everything was untouched.

Slowly, he walked over to a shelf on the wall that was filled with pictures. To really see them he had to blow away the layer of dust covering the image. All the pictures were different. He saw numerous pictures of himself, Ianto, Owen, Tosh and Gwen on various places. They were all smiling. Then there were lots of pictures of just him and Ianto. Them riding on a carousel; them on the beach; them eating ice cream. All of them with such joy. Jack felt like crying. Was this real? Was this really the truth? Was this what he'd taken away from Ianto?

His eyes stopped on one picture. He took it in his hands and just looked at it. It was a picture of Ianto. He was wearing a beautiful black suit, a white shirt and a lovely red silk tie. It was during nightfall and Jack could see the Eiffel tower in the background. Ianto was looking straight into the camera. The small smile on his lips made his face light up. But it was his eyes that caught Jack's attention. They were so filled with emotion, so much love. Jack felt his eyes hurt, and before he knew it a tear fell down on to the glass.

He didn't know what was real or not, but he did know one thing. He was hurting Ianto. And he was hurting him badly. He hugged the picture tightly. First thing tomorrow he would begin to make this right. Ianto deserved as much.

Without putting the picture down he left the room and turned off the light. He didn't want to stay in that room anymore. He also turned off the light in the hallway and made his way to the bedroom. It was still early, but he was tired. It had been an eventful day and besides, he was used to going to bed early at the institution.

So he came into the bedroom and laid down on the big bed. He didn't bother to take his clothes off, and just curled up to a ball on top of the covers. He held the picture close.

He buried his nose in the pillow, and with some imagination he could smell the scent of Ianto still lingering in the fabric.

He closed his eyes and thought about how it would feel to once more have Ianto laying close, looking at him with those loving eyes. He missed it.

Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclamer: Everything is owned by BBC and RTD. I sadly don't own anything.**

**AN: This is an early christmas present for all of you my faithful readers. I hope you like it :)**

**As usual I would like to thank all of you who reviews this story, I treasuer everything you say.  
And I want to thank all of my silent stalkers who reads. It's for all of you that I write.**

**And a huge thanks to my beta TheWeddingFairy for her excellent work. And for the fact that she's an amazing girl :)**

**Read now, and enjoy :)  
**

* * *

Jack was pulled out of his sleep with the feeling that something was missing. It took him a few seconds to identify what wasn't there. Then he heard it. It was quiet. No footsteps around him, just silence. For a second he wondered why. Then he felt the pillow under his head and the previous day came into his mind. He opened his eyes and he saw the clock on the bed-side table. It was late morning and he felt relaxed. He'd slept like a child.

He stretched out on the bed and realised that he was still holding on to the picture of Ianto. He looked at it again and met Ianto's eyes. His heart tightened.

"I will fix this," he mumbled and stroke Ianto's cheek. "I owe you that much."

He got up from the bed and left the room. Today he had so much to do, and he didn't have time to stay in bed longer than necessary, no matter how good it felt to lay in a real bed. When he walked through the living room he put the picture back on the shelf from where he had taken it.

He made his way to the kitchen. Not that he was hungry, but it felt like a normal routine to see if there was any food. As he opened the cupboards he almost laughed. They were full. This was just another evidence that the apartment seemed to be frozen in time. It looked like someone actually lived there. In the cupboards he found cereals, oatmeal, coffee, pasta, crackers and lots of cans with different contents.

He didn't have to look for long to find out that he probably shouldn't eat any of it, as it was all covered in dust. Ten months was a long time.

Jack swallowed hard and closed the doors. The apartment were creeping him out. It was so quiet, so still, so undisturbed. Owen had told him that Ianto couldn't bear to live there after Jack left. And Jack didn't blame him. Even if he didn't have the memories of what had gone on in there, he could feel the atmosphere. It was packed with memories and emotions. Just by looking at the pictures Jack knew about the love that these walls had seen. But he also knew about the hurt and despair. And he could only begin to imagine how many tears the pillow he'd slept on had taken.

He shook his head.

"Get a grip of yourself," he said and smacked his own cheek. "You have work to do."

He left the kitchen and walked back into the living room. He sat down on the couch to think, to work out what he would do. On the table in front of the couch there laid a newspaper and a pen. He smiled. That must have been from some time when Ianto solved the crossword puzzle. But now it would have to serve another purpose. He took the paper and glanced at the date. _Sunday November 29th 2009_. Jack swallowed hard. That was only two weeks after he'd been admitted. Was it really that long since Ianto had last been there? He didn't know, but he couldn't dwell on that now. Instead, he opened the paper and found an almost blank ad page that he could write on. For a moment he thought about what he would do that day. And when he knew, he put the pen to the paper and began to write down a list.

* * *

Half an hour later, Jack was finished and felt pleased with himself. He'd organised his day. Ianto would have been so proud of him. Ianto always said that he needed to start planning before acting. At least that's what his Ianto used to say. His Ianto at Torchwood. Suddenly he was unsure. Did this Ianto say the same? But since it was Ianto he was thinking about, he probably did.

He smiled and looked down on his list. The first thing he would do was to find out whether or not his co-workers existed in the same way they did in his mind. According to the papers everyone that he counted as his team at Torchwood were his co-workers at this publishing company where he and Ianto both worked. But it was the Torchwood reality he had to confirm. And to do that he needed to go back to where he found them all. He would look for Gwen at the police station, Owen at the hospital and Ianto at the tourist office. The downside was that he couldn't find out about Tosh since he'd found her in the long term prison cells at UNIT. But if he found the others he could assume that her story's true too.

Then he realised that he might have a problem. He couldn't just walk in to the police station and ask to speak to Gwen Cooper. Especially since she should be working for Torchwood at the moment.

So he thought about it for a moment and came up with a brilliant idea.

He left the couch and went to search for a phone. He knew that he'd seen one when he arrived, he just didn't remember where.

But soon he found it. It was a little black wireless phone standing on a small table in the hallway. He took it in his hand and prayed that Ianto hadn't disconnected it since no one lived here anymore. He pressed the on-button and held his breath. From the phone there came one single tone that rang out. Jack sighed in relief. The phone was working.

He walked back to the couch and dialled the number to get the police.

There was a signal. And as soon as he heard it he got nervous. What if they didn't believe him? What would he do then?

Another signal. He told himself not to worry. Of course they would believe him. He was Jack Harkness. He could charm anyone, even over the phone. This was not the right time to get paranoid.

A third signal. He was about to doubt himself again just as there came a voice in the other end.

"_Cardiff police, you're speaking to Katie Jones. How may I help you_?"

Jack took a deep breath and put on his patented Harkness-smile.

"Hi, Katie. I'm John Logan from the London Police. I wish to speak to Andy Davidson."

"_Of course, sir. One moment please_."

Jack took another deep breath and waited. He knew he could use Andy to get to Gwen. He just had to play his cards right.

"_This is Andy Davidson. Who am I talking to_?"

"Hello, PC Davidson. My name is John Logan from London. I have a few questions to ask you."

Jack could hear how Andy scratched his head in the other end trying to figure out what a policeman from London could want from him

"_Of course, sir. Ask away."_

"I've been having a job interview with one Miss Gwen Cooper, and she left you as a reference. So, I would like to know how she is to work with?"

"_Gwen Cooper, you say_?"

"Yes."

"_I'm sorry, sir. I've never worked with a Gwen Cooper in my life_."

"Never?" Now it was Jack turn to doubt. He was confused. He knew that Andy had worked with Gwen. He knew, because ever since Gwen got a job at Torchwood, Andy had been begging to get one too.

"_No, sir. The only Gwen Cooper I know works in publishing. And I hardly doubt that she would apply for a police job_."

"Okay. Then there must have been something wrong in the papers she gave me."

"_There must be. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, sir_."

"Don't worry about it."

And with that, Jack hung up. He looked at the phone in his hand and the pressure in his chest came back. This conversation had only confirmed what the papers said: Gwen Cooper had never worked at the police. The papers seemed to be right. But how could they be? Jack still knew that he was the one that was right. He felt it. This could all be a conspiracy. He had to keep searching.

Next on his list was to find Owen. He decided to use the same technique there. So he dialled the number to the hospital where he knew that Owen had been working.

After just two signals he got an answer.

"_You have reached Cardiff Royal Infirmary. You are speaking to Carys. How can I help you_?"

"Hi. I'm John Logan and I wish to speak to the head of staff."

"_One moment, please_."

The line went quiet, and Jack almost thought that the conversation had been disconnected. Then there came a small connection tone and a man answered.

"_This is Alun Price speaking_."

"Hello, Mr Price. My name is John Logan and I'm calling from London Central Hospital. I'm calling because I've just had a job interview with a young man that mentioned you as a reference."

"_And who was this man_?"

"Owen Harper."

"_Owen Harper_?"

Jack could hear him type on a computer and searching through the staff records.

"_I'm sorry, but we have no records of a Doctor Owen Harper ever working here_."

"No?"

"_No. We have an Owen Parker, but he got hired just five weeks ago. So I doubt that it's him you want_."

"No, it was Harper."

"_Then I guess that someone has fooled you, Mr Logan_."

"I guess so. Thank you for your time."

And Jack hung up. He was finding it hard to breathe. One more backlash. This was not what he planned on when he ran away from the institution. His goal was to prove that he was right. He had to do it. Not only for himself, but for Ianto. This world was not right, but everyone seemed to think it was. The only one who knew differently was Jack. But everyone was doing their best to convince him that he was wrong.

Jack put the phone down. He tried to get rid of the pressure over his chest. But it just laid there with a tight grip on his lungs and heart. He swallowed and swallowed to push it away. But little did it help. He felt tears beginning to rise in his eyes. And he got angry. Angry that he was reduced to a sobbing wreck. He cursed every tear that he'd shed because of this. He knew he was right. It was everyone else that was wrong. Then why did it feel so hopeless? Why did it feel like he was wrong? Deep down he was unsure of what to believe. There was nothing left he could hold on to. He needed Ianto. Ianto was a fixed point. Something that he could rely on. He needed to find Ianto.

To prove to himself that it was just a coincidence that he could find neither Gwen nor Owen where they once worked, Jack called the tourist office down in the bay. He needed to hear Ianto's voice.

"_Welcome to Cardiff Tourist Information. This is Megan speaking. How can I help_?"

It sounded like it was a young girl speaking, no more than twenty.

"Can I speak to Ianto Jones, please?" Jack had a hard time even pretending to be nice and charming.

"_I'm sorry, sir. But there is no Ianto Jones here_."

His heart sank at those words.

"He told me he worked at the tourist office."

"_I'm sorry, sir. But it's just me, Cadi and Alis that works here. No Ianto_."

"You're sure?"

"_Of course I am, sir. Your friend must have said the wrong place to you_."

"Yeah. Maybe. Thanks."

Jack disconnected the call in anger and threw it as hard as he could into the wall. It smashed into thousands of pieces and shattered all over the room. But Jack didn't care. He was breathing hard. In. Out. Trying to think of something else to do. In. Out. He had to keep control of himself. In. Out. He couldn't give up. In. Not now. Out. Information. In. That was the key. Out. Memories. In. He needed to find his memories. Out. If he could find something to trigger his mind in the same way the files had, then he would know what to do. He would know where to go.

He let out a deep breath. He was calm again. And he knew what he had to do now to pass the time.

He looked around in the room and discovered that there wasn't much in there that held any memories. The only thing was the pictures on the shelf that he looked at the day before. Other than that the shelves were full off books and movies. All of various genres and authors. They meant nothing to Jack, and he guessed that most of it belonged to Ianto since he himself didn't have much interest in that kind of entertainment.

Instead, he made his way to the bedroom once more. He didn't get a good look at that room the day before. All he saw then was the huge bed. Now the early afternoon sun was lighting up the entire room. On one wall he saw the door to a walk-in closet. And right next to that closet there was a bookcase with CDs, photos and photo albums.

Jack walked up to the bookcase and cast a quick glance at the CDs. It was everything from Vivaldi and Mozart, to Metallica and ABBA. He smiled. This was clearly a joined collection of both his and Ianto's excellent taste in music. But it was not the music he was interested in. So he began to look at the framed photos. They were a bit different from the ones in the living room. They told Jack that this was a private room, the heart of the apartment. Almost every picture was in black and white. One picture showed Jack and Ianto's hands braided together. On another picture Jack was standing behind a seemingly naked Ianto, holding his hands around him and Ianto leaning back into the sensation. One picture showed Jack sleeping with a peaceful aura to him. But the picture that caught Jack's eye the most was one with both him and Ianto. It showed their faces in profile, looking at each other. Everything was grey, except for their eyes. Both of their eyes had the most magical shade of blue. And both of them smiled. It was so tender and peaceful, and so filled with love that it made Jacks heart ache.

He closed his eyes and a faint scene began playing in his mind. Him and Ianto in a studio, both naked. The walls were painted white and there was a bed behind them. They stood by the wall, holding each other's hand, and just looking at each other. Jack squeezed Ianto's hand to reassure him that he was beautiful. A shy blush lay on Ianto's cheeks as he met Jack's eyes. And Jack looked into them and couldn't help but smile.

The image dissolved and Jack opened his eyes. He swallowed hard. He'd seen the look in Ianto's eyes. For just a few seconds, it had only been the two of them. The world didn't exist anymore. And with just one look they had said more to each other than words ever could.

Jack looked at the picture again. He couldn't stop the sad smile from coming to his lips. The picture was a perfect moment, frozen forever. And it still contained all of the emotions that he and Ianto shared.

He couldn't stop the lonely tears from falling. His heart ached. And if he hurt this much now, without a proper memory of anything, then he couldn't even begin to imagine how Ianto must feel.

He swallowed his tears and looked away. Those pictures weren't him. They were as far from him as they could possibly get. The man on those pictures was the Jack that Ianto knew, and Jack wasn't that man. That man was Jack Harkness. And Jack was Captain Jack Harkness. And the captain didn't do pictures like that. He didn't feel like that. And suddenly, Jack felt such longing to be the man in the pictures. He longed to feel like that.

In ways he couldn't explain, Jack felt dirty. Like he'd done something wrong, felt something wrong. He needed to get out of here. He couldn't take those pictures anymore. Couldn't take those intimate memories that he wasn't sure was his. He needed a shower. Needed to wash away all the wrong.

With just a few long steps he left the bedroom and was once again standing in the hallway. He leaned against the wall. His heart was racing. This apartment was more haunting than any of the papers he'd read. There was so much here that he couldn't understand. He couldn't find a way to get it into his world.

Without knowing how he'd ended up there, he soon found himself sitting on the floor. He banged the back of his head on the wall. Desperate to try and fit in the pieces. Desperate to make sense out of everything.

"You need to do something about this." His own voice startled him. "You can't let yourself fall apart like this. Take a hot shower and get back in there."

He nodded. It was good advice. He got up and headed towards the bathroom.

With the hot water turned on and steam filling the room Jack stripped and looked at himself in the mirror. He met his own eyes and let out a small laugh.

"Now you're talking to yourself and taking your own advice. Maybe you are crazy?"

He gave himself his most dashing smile before turning away and walk into the shower.

The hot water almost burned him, but he didn't care. He loved the feeling. It was real. He stood in the middle of the stream without moving a muscle. He just let it all wash over him and take away all of his doubts, all of his thoughts. But most of all he let it take away all the mistakes he'd been making. Everything that had gone wrong since he had waken up at the institution. None of that mattered anymore. Right now it was just Jack, the water and the pain it caused him. He emptied his mind and let the sensation take over.

* * *

What felt like hours later, Jack left the bathroom that was now reduced to a sauna. His hair was dripping and he left huge pools of water as he made his way back to the bedroom, and to the closet he found there. He couldn't wait to get into his own clothes. He missed them. Sure, the white clothes he'd been given at the institution were comfortable and all that. But they weren't his. He missed his jeans and shirt. And he missed his coat. Although, he did have a feeling that he wouldn't find it in the closet.

Without looking at the pictures in the bookcase he opened the door to the closet. And the sight that met him made him stop and stare. Both sides of the closet were filled with clothes. But it wasn't that that caught Jack's attention. On the opposite wall right in front of him hung a locked weapons cabinet. It was made of glass so he could see that it was full of different weapons. He quickly made his way over to it. His hands were on the glass like a child at the window of a candy store. He stood there and looked at them all. And then he saw it. Amongst different types of Magnums, and even a Walther PPK just like the one James Bond has, Jack saw his treasure. He saw his Webley lying on a red velvet cushion. His very own Webley Mk IV .38 that he'd had for so long. He'd missed that gun so much. He always felt so naked without it. He cast a quick glance down and suddenly realised that he was actually naked for real, it was not only the lack of his gun right now.

With much difficulty he backed away from the cabinet and studied the clothes instead. He soon found out that the clothes to his right were all Ianto's. Amongst the numerous suits he found some jeans and regular shirts, too. So instead he turned around and was suddenly faced with a completely different wardrobe. He could only find two suits hanging amongst all the different shirts and jeans, and every item in different colour than the next. Not two alike. And right next to the door he saw two drawers, one with black and white socks and one with boxers. He couldn't help but smile. This closet was all Ianto's doing, he could swear it was.

So without much more thinking he grabbed a pair of white boxers and matching white socks. Then he found a nice pair of regular blue jeans. But after that he came to a halt. He couldn't decide on what shirt to wear. There were too many to choose from, and he knew that he looked good in all of them.

It took him a couple of minutes before he finally decided on a white t-shirt and a light blue shirt on top.

When he was satisfied with his clothing he turned back towards the weapons. He wanted to feel the gun in his hands again. Though he had no idea of where the key to the lock was hidden. If he knew himself, it would be hidden in a very clever way. But since he didn't know how much he knew himself he had no clue on where that place would be. He looked at the cabinet and felt like it drifted further and further out of reach.

But he wouldn't let that happen. So he took one of his shirts and folded it across his hand. Then he smashed his hand through the glass.

The sound was deafening and glass flew across the floor. But Jack just threw the shirt aside and took the Webley in his hand. It made him smile. The weight was comforting. And it was something he knew how to use. It was something to hold on to.

So with the gun safe in his hand he left the closet and went back into the bedroom. He had more photos to look at. He was a bit unsure about if he really wanted to look at them after the reaction to the ones in frames. But now he felt refreshed. The shower and new clothes made him feel like a new man. And he told himself that if he could feel like that, then he could also look at pictures without breaking down.

He put the gun in the jeans' waistband. Feeling the cold metal against his back made him shudder with recognition. This was a feeling he knew so well. Then he sat down on the floor next to the bed. He looked at all the albums standing in perfect lines. They were put on three shelves. At first Jack wondered why, but when he looked in one on each shelf he understood exactly why it was like that. On the bottom shelf was Ianto's albums, his whole life in pictures. On the top shelf was Jack's albums, what was supposed to be his life. And on the middle one was the ones they had together. It contained photos from the first time they met and went on until days before Jack got admitted.

* * *

Hours later, Jack was done with the last album. All afternoon he'd gone through every album, every photo. They all showed him a world he only knew by words, and now by pictures. He'd looked at them all, but there were few memories returning to him. Few that felt real to him. He let his head fall back onto the bed and he sighed deeply. This was getting him nowhere.

He needed to speak to Ianto. He knew it, and suddenly he realised what he should do. Owen had told him before that Ianto practically lived with him. Why hadn't he sought Ianto there before? He got up from the floor and made his way to the front door.

When he put his hand on the handle it occurred to him that he didn't have any clue about where Owen lived. So instead he made his way back into the apartment and to the table where he'd found the phone. There, right next to the phone's holder, lay a phone book. So Jack opened it and looked for Owen Harper in it.

As he saw that there were over twenty Owen Harper living in the Cardiff area he threw the phone book across the hall in anger. He didn't have the patience to call them all just to try and find the right Owen. Again, he wanted to cry. Everything he'd done since he woke up that morning had gone wrong. He needed something to go his way.

Then he looked down on the table again and saw a little black book lying next to the phone's holder. His heart stopped as he took it in his hands and he was afraid to breathe. Afraid that it was just an illusion. But when he opened the book he couldn't help but let out a small cheer. His hard made a double beat of joy. He was holding Ianto's address book. The book where he wrote down everyone he knew with their name, number and address. Jack smiled and felt a growing love for Ianto's need to keep everything organised.

It didn't take Jack long to find Owen's address in the book. And he was glad to see that it wasn't too far away. Because he knew that he had to walk. He still didn't know whether or not the institution knew that he was gone, but he guessed that they did. And if that was the case there could be reports on TV or in the papers about him missing. So he knew that he should keep a low profile and not take the bus or a taxi. And besides, he didn't have any money to pay with anyway.

He found a jacket on the hanger next to the door, and he was pleasantly surprised when it fitted. Then he realised that it must be his own jacket since Iantos would be too small to fit him.

He left the apartment and locked the door behind him. For a second he didn't know what to do with the key, but he decided to take it with him. If he didn't find Ianto then he would probably need to go back here, and in that case it was best to be prepared with a key so that he could get back into the house.

* * *

It took Jack almost an hour to walk all the way to Owen's apartment. When he arrived, it was dark outside. He stood across the road from the apartment, half hidden behind a tree. He swallowed hard. He tried to see if the lights were lit in Owen's apartment. Then he realised that he didn't know which apartment that Owen lived in, so there was no way of knowing if they were home or not.

Then suddenly the front door to the house opened and two men walked out. Firstly, Jack wanted to run over and get the door before it shut again. But when he saw who walked out he hid behind the tree. It was Owen and Ianto. They were laughing. Jack could hear it. The sound of Ianto's laugh made its way across the street and pierced Jack's heart. He'd missed that sound. But it pained him that it wasn't him that brought it on.

His thoughts raced through his mind. Should he walk up to them? Should he call for their attention? Did they know that he was out? Should he follow them? Just a few seconds passed but the thoughts whirled inside him. He didn't know what to do.

He didn't have to decide on his own as the decision was taken for him. Owen and Ianto began to walk away from the apartment, and Jack didn't want to lose them. So he began to follow them from the side of the road he was on. Always a few steps behind them, and always with the ability to hide if necessary.

Owen and Ianto were talking and laughing. With every laugh, Jack felt a sting in his heart. He wanted to be there, too. A few times Ianto looked across the street towards Jack. And every time Jack got just enough warning to have the time to duck behind a car or hide behind something else. But every time he could sense that Ianto's gaze swept over the place were he'd just been. It was like if Ianto knew that he was there. Jack smiled. He knew that they'd always had a connection, and he was glad that Ianto still felt it even if he couldn't explain it.

Soon, Jack discovered where the two men were going: to the movies. Jack stopped behind a car and watched as they made their way into the building. He could follow, but then there was the risk of him being seen. And suddenly he wasn't sure if he wanted to be seen or not. He felt a pressure building up inside is stomach and he felt angry. Angry that they were having fun when he was lost. Angry that they were together when he was alone. A part of him wanted to go inside and tell them both just what he was thinking. But then he would make a scene. And he knew how much Ianto hated it when he did that. So instead he sat down on a bench a few yards away from the cinema and waited. He would talk to them when the movie was over.

* * *

Jack was just about to fall asleep on the bench as he heard Ianto's laugh make its way through the air. He opened his eyes and saw both Ianto and Owen leaving the cinema. They were both laughing. Jack stretched his body before getting up. All of his limbs felt stiff after sitting still in the cold air for so long. His anger had faded, but he still felt the need to talk to them. He wanted to take Ianto in his arms and tell him that he'd come back for him. Tell him that he was sorry for everything. So once again Jack began to follow them.

They seemed to be headed back to Owen's apartment, and Jack knew what way they were taking. He also knew the perfect place to let them see him. When they had been walking towards the cinema Jack had seen an alleyway that they passed. It was out of sight, but not remote. It was the perfect place to talk to them without being disturbed.

When he passed the next crossing, Jack took off to the right so that he could hurry before the other two and meet them in the alleyway.

* * *

Jack stood in the shadows and waited. He knew that Owen and Ianto hadn't walked past yet, because he'd run to get there before them and they were still a few minutes away. He was nervous. What should he say? There was so much that he wanted to tell Ianto, but he didn't know where to begin. And he was nervous about Ianto's reaction. Would he be glad to see Jack? Or mad? Owen had told him that Ianto didn't want to see him, but Jack wanted to. He needed it. He was searching for the truth, and he did it all for Ianto.

His thoughts were interrupted by footsteps coming from the road. He looked over there, and before he could see anyone he heard Owen's voice. Jack smiled. It was time. When he saw them in the passage between the houses he made his move.

"Ianto," Jack called.

Ianto stopped dead in his tracks as he heard Jack's voice. He slowly turned towards the alleyway. Jack left the shadow and walked towards his friends.

"Ianto," Jack said again, much softer this time.

Ianto didn't respond. He stood frozen in shock. His lips moved, but there came no sounds.

Jack opened his arms to hug him when Owen stepped between them.

"Don't," he said and looked Jack sternly in the eyes.

Jack lowered his arms and met the look. He was just about to say something when Ianto pushed Owen aside and looked at Jack.

"What are you doing here?" It was a whisper, like he was afraid that his voice would fail him if he spoke out loud.

"I'm here for you, Ianto. I'm here to make things right."

"Jack…you're sick…"

"No," Jack took a step closer, and his heart sank as Ianto took one step backwards. "And I will prove it to you. I will show you the truth. I know I can."

"Jack…please…don't…"

"I will make everything alright, Yan. I promise." He took another step closer to Ianto.

Ianto didn't move. Tears were filling his eyes and he looked as though he was trying to find the right words. But nothing came. Instead, Owen stepped between them again. He looked angry.

"Look Jack, you have to go back. You're sick."

"Owen…" Jack began, but was soon interrupted by Owen.

"Can't you see what you're doing to him?" There was a dangerous edge to his voice. "Look at him!"

And Jack looked. He saw the broken glance in Ianto's eyes and he knew that it was because of him. He reached out a hand to try and comfort Ianto, but he backed away from the distant touch. Jack swallowed hard and fought back his own tears. He slowly let his hand fall back down. Owen turned away from him and turned to Ianto. He put a comforting hand around Ianto's waist and whispered something in his ear. Jack felt a stab in his chest. Suddenly, he knew why he didn't like Owen. It was the way that he always held Ianto in his arms. The way he always seemed to know just the right words to say, the right thing to do. The way his eyes lingered a little too long on Ianto's face. The way his hugs seemed to last a little too long. And the way that Ianto didn't mind.

Jack's eyes darkened and he grinded his teeth. His breath became shallow. Without really knowing what he did, he drew the gun. He wanted to scare Owen. Wanted to show him that his behaviour wasn't tolerated.

He saw Ianto's eyes fixating on the gun, the horror of realisation in every feature. Ianto said something, but Jack didn't hear. His own heartbeats were drowning out the sounds. Owen turned around and looked straight into the gun's barrel. All the blood drained from his face and he looked scared.

"Jack…" Owen began, but Jack didn't want to hear.

"No, you'll listen to me," he said with a steady voice. "I know what you're doing, and it's not okay."

"What are you talking about?" Owen said, trying to stay calm even though his fear was shining through.

"Don't be daft. You know what I'm talking about." Jack's hand was trembling.

"No, Jack. I don't. You'll have to tell me."

"I've seen the way you look at him. I know what you're trying to do." Jacks voice raised a pitch, but he didn't care. His feelings were too intense for him to bother. "You're turning him against me."

"What?" Ianto was staring at the both of them looking confused.

"Ianto, I…" Owen began.

"Shut up. You're not speaking to him. You've done enough damage as it is." Jack was almost screaming, and his hand was shaking.

"Jack, please," Ianto pleaded. "Put the gun down. We can talk about this." He took a step closer to Jack but Owen pushed him away.

"Don't come closer," Owen said to him, the fear making his voice sharp.

"I love him," Jack continued, angry tears making his voice tremble. "I love him! Don't you dare take him away!"

"I'm not!" Owen screamed. "You're driving him away all on your own!"

Owen took a step closer. Ianto saw the intense hate in Jack's eyes. He saw the muscles in his hand tense up. He saw the evil smile flicker across Jack's face. Without thinking, he flung himself towards Owen. Trying to push him as far away from Jack as possible.

A single shot echoed through the dark Cardiff night.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclamer: I wished for the rights to Torchwood from Santa. He didn't give them to me, so now I don't know if I believe in Santa anymore...**

**AN: Well, look at that. Another chapter up already? It's a christmas present for all of you lovely people out there.  
To all of you who reviews this story I send all my love, I listen to every word you say.  
To all of my silent stalkers I send a gigant hug, because without you my muse would leave.**

**And last I send both love and hugs to my wonderful beta TheWeddingFairy, just because she is who she is.**

**Now, enjoy the story :)**

* * *

Doctor Jane sat in the passenger's seat in the moving car. She was nervous. She wanted to go faster, but they had to follow the speed limits. She had a bad feeling in her stomach.

Jane had been sitting on her couch watching a film that night when her cell phone rang. The sound had scared her, even though she'd been wanting it to go off all night. It was her work phone, and she'd been praying that someone would call her and tell her that they'd found Jack. And now, when it finally rang, she was almost scared to answer. But she answered and heard Owen's voice. She knew right away that something was wrong. Owen sounded distant and emotionless. He only said that he'd found Jack, and he gave her an address. Then the line went dead. So she'd called Mark as he was still working, and asked him to come pick her up as fast as he could. And she told him to bring one of the guards, too. Five minutes later Jane, Mark and the guard, Tom, were on the way to the address Owen had given her.

When they arrived in the alleyway that Owen had told her about, they were met by the blue lights of an ambulance. Jane swallowed hard. This was what she'd feared. She looked at the scene in front of her.

Owen sat in the middle of the sidewalk. His eyes were fixed on something far away, his face as pale as the moonlight. A paramedic was rushing over to him with a blanket in one hand and a medical bag in the other. Jane felt sorry for Owen, he was clearly in shock. Then she saw Jack, and her heart broke. He was sitting on his knees rocking back and forth, clinging to Ianto's body. Another paramedic tried to make Jack let go of the body in order to examine him. Apparently they'd already given up on him. But the paramedic failed. Jack wouldn't let go. Jane wasn't even sure if he'd noticed the paramedic or not.

She swallowed a couple of times. Then she rushed over to Jack. As she closed in on him she could see the blood on his hands, the blood on his clothes. And she saw the growing pool of blood slowly making its way from under Ianto's body.

When she stood in front of Jack she stopped. The sight that met her brought tears to her eyes. Jack held tightly to Ianto's body. A body that moved like a rag-doll with Jack's every movement. Jack had blood on his face, undoubtedly from hugging Ianto's cooling chest. Jack's cheeks were streaked by uncountable tears. But it was the scream that made its way through Jane's bones. The silent scream that made more noise than any sound ever could.

Jane sank down to her knees right next to Jack. The paramedic had moved aside since he couldn't find any damage on Jack's body.

"Jack?" Jane tried to get his attention as she put a hand on his shoulder.

She didn't get any reaction.

"Jack?" She tried again.

Jack buried his head in Ianto's chest once more. Jane could hear him whisper something, but she couldn't understand the words.

"Jack? It's Doctor Jane. I'm here."

She thought that she could feel a small shudder running through his body as she said it.

"Jack. This is important. You need to let go of Ianto."

At those words Jacks hold of Ianto tightened. His movements increased and he shook off Jane's hand.

"Jack. We have to see if you're unharmed. It's for your own good." She put her hand on him again and tried to pull him closer.

Once more he shook free. He was trying to get away from her.

Then she realised that the police had arrived. They were talking to Owen who now sat in the ambulance. Both of the officers looked over at Jack, and Jane could see what they were thinking. One of the officers began to walk towards Jack. Jane got up from the ground and met the officer halfway.

"Doctor Brody," the officer greeted.

"No need to be so formal, James."

The officer flashed her an insecure smile before he began to walk past her. Jane took a step back and blocked his way.

"What are you doing?" she asked him.

"We're taking him in for custody." He said and pointed at Jack.

"No, you're not." Jane crossed her arms.

"Doctor…Jane. He's been identified as the shooter. We have to take him."

"No, you don't. I'm taking him back with me."

"Jane…"

"You know I have the authority." Jane stretched her back to look taller and James took a small step back. He looked desperately back at his partner, begging for help. The other officer saw the scene and came up to them.

"Do we have a problem here?"

He was an older man, so Jane knew that she had to act professional.

"I'm Doctor Jane Brody from Cardiff Safe Haven Mental Institution. And I'm taking Jack back with me. I'm his doctor."

"You'll have to excuse me, doctor, but we're taking him to the hospital to check for injuries. And then he's coming to the station with us."

Jane sighed. She hated to have to deal with the police.

"We have a hospital wing at the institution. And I can tell you that you won't get much information from Jack in the state that he's in. If you read the missing persons report I filed yesterday you would know that Jack suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. You would also know that, when found, I have the highest authority when it comes to his custody."

It was now time for the officer to sigh. He knew that Jane was right, he'd read the file.

"Alright, Doctor. He's all yours. For now."

And with that he turned his back on Jane and walked back to Owen to talk some more.

Inwardly Jane cheered, but she didn't let it show. Instead she turned towards her own car and called for Mark and Tom to come and help her. Then she returned to Jack. He sat just the way she left him, head buried in Ianto's chest, rocking back and forth.

She put her hands on his shoulders and tried to make him sit up straight. But he tensed up every time she tried. She had to give up.

"Mark, get the bag in the car," she said with a sigh. "We need to sedate him, otherwise we won't get him back with us."

Mark hurried back to the car and retrieved the bag.

While she waited Jane sat down on the ground next to Jack. She put a hand on his back and slowly stroked it like she always did when he got upset.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I'm so sorry." She whispered. And she truly was.

When Mark got back he opened the bag and got the syringe ready for injection. Then he handed it over to Jane. She looked at it for a second. She didn't want to use it, but knew that she had no choice.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I have to do this." She said as she stung him in the arm.

Jack didn't seem to react to the needle that pierced his skin. Nothing around him seemed to make him react. He'd begun to stroke Ianto's hair. He was looking him in the face, trying to get a reaction from him.

Jane saw that his movements slowed down, his eyelids fell. She hurried to take hold of him as his body slipped into the induced unconsciousness. He was still crying as he finally fell into Jane's arms, away from Ianto's body.

He was too heavy for Jane to carry, so she got Mark and Tom to help her get Jack into the car. They placed Jack in the backseat and Jane sat down by his head. She placed Jack's head in her lap and began to calmingly stroke his hair as she told Mark to hurry back to the institution.

* * *

Back at the institution, after putting Jack in one of the beds in the hospital wing, Jane stood outside the big glass door and spoke to one of the nurses.

"I only gave him a small dose of the sedative, so he should be waking up in a while. And when he does, page me as soon as possible. Okay?"

The nurse nodded and headed back into the room and to her desk.

Jane sighed and began to walk back to her office. This was yet another night she would spend sleeping on her couch. She'd lost track of how many times that had happened. Sure, she could go home and come back early tomorrow. But she knew that she had to be there for Jack. And she had much to write down in her papers.

In her office Jane sat down on the chair. In front of her lay Jack's file. It was open, but she didn't want to look at it. Her face was buried in her hands. A sense of failure was running through her every vein. She'd failed Jack. And she'd failed Ianto. The day that Jack got admitted Jane had promised Ianto that Jack would be cured. She'd promised that he one day would come back home and that he and Ianto could continue their lives together. She gave her word, because she'd never failed before. She knew that she owed it to Ianto to keep that promise, even if he wasn't left to wait for Jack. But she can't give up on Jack, not now.

Suddenly her pager went off. She looked at the clock and saw that it's almost been an hour since she came back. The pager told her that Jack had woken. So she got up and hurried to the hospital wing.

As she came closer to the hospital wing she heard screaming. She soon recognised the voice as Jack's. And when she came closer she heard him calling out Ianto's name. He screamed at the top of his lungs and Jane heard the pain and sorrow in that single word.

When she came through the door she saw Jack strapped to the bed with leather restraints. He was twisting and turning, trying to break free. And he screamed. Calling for Ianto with every breath he had.

Jane swallowed hard and turned to the nurse.

"Was the restraint necessary?" She asked, even though she saw that they were. It was just that she didn't like to use restraint as part of any treatment.

"It was," the nurse answered. "He began pulling on his IV and trying to get away. He was crying and screaming. We had to do it."

"I see. Well, he needs to calm down," Jane began and tried hard not to look at Jack. "He's still in shock, so I don't want him to get too much sedative. But he has to calm down. Give him two milligrams. And if that's not enough, give him two more. Keep him on the IV, he's running the risk of getting dehydrated. Also, hook him up to the heart monitor. If anything happens regarding his physical health, Doctor Stone is in charge."

The nurse nodded and gave Jack another shot of sedatives.

Jane cast one look at Jack's fighting figure and turned away. As she left the room she was accompanied by Jack's fading cries.

As soon as she came back to her office she closed the door behind her. She leaned against it and sank down to the floor. She heard herself sob and realised that she was crying. It was her fault that Jack was in the state he was in. If she'd just seen what Jack was going to do, then she could have stopped him. If she'd just seen the signs.

She got up and pulled out the cushion and cover that she had stored in the closet. Then she made herself comfortable on the couch. She couldn't stop thinking about Jack. And she couldn't stop thinking about what he'd done. So, with the picture of Jack clinging to Ianto's dead body and the sound of Jack's cries for his boyfriend still ringing in her ears, Jane drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Three weeks later, Jane sat in Doctor Smith's office. Even though she knew what this meeting was about, she was nervous. Doctor Smith put down the file he'd been reading and took off his glasses before looking up at Jane.

"How is it going with Jack?" he asked even though he'd just finished reading the file.

"To be honest, I don't know," Jane answered with a small sigh. "The first few days he spent in the hospital wing in restraints and filled with sedatives. Then he went completely silent. He hasn't spoken in over a week. There's no reactions coming from him. He's disappeared into himself."

"I see."

Doctor Smith looked down at the file again, flipping through some papers before he continued.

"And you transferred him?"

"Yes. I took him away from the white rooms. He's now living on Level A. Even though he doesn't need the restraints anymore I feel it would be safer if he stays there. He could have another hysterical outburst."

"I agree. Have you spoken with the police?"

"I have. They won't be pressing charges. Since there are so many legit files about his mental disorder they know that no judge would convict him. Instead, he will be staying here until he is stable enough to be let out into the community again."

"Do you have any guesses about when this will happen?"

Once more Jane sighed.

"No. He's been deteriorating far too fast for me to be able to tell when he will be healthy enough for release."

Doctor Smith nodded and put his glasses back on. He flipped through some more papers and read a footnote on one of them.

"You didn't let him go to the funeral?"

"No. He was too unstable. I couldn't risk it."

"Mm," Doctor Smith mumbled whilst looking for another paper. "I don't see anything about his present treatment."

"No?" Jane was surprised. She was sure she had written it down. "Maybe I forgot to print you a copy."

"So tell me what you are doing with him at the moment."

Doctor Smith leaned back in his chair and looked at Jane over the rim of his glasses. He closed his hands over his stomach.

"Well," Jane began. "I've changed his medication to stronger doses. He's taken outside everyday in the company of a nurse. Today will be his first day back in the common room and the company of other patients. I also have daily sessions with him. But at the moment I'm the only one who talks."

"I see. And how long are you planning to keep him on this scheme?"

"I will give it a few more weeks. If I don't see any improvement, then I will change it."

"That sounds good," Doctor Smith nodded. "I will see you again about Mr Harkness in four weeks."

"Of course, doctor," Jane smiled and got up.

* * *

Natalie walked through the long corridor, pushing Jack in his wheelchair. He hadn't been moving on his own for two weeks. Ever since his hysterical outburst had stopped he was like an empty shell. Natalie felt sorry for him. Everyone did. They all knew what he had done, but they all knew him and his sickness so they knew that he couldn't be held responsible for those actions. No matter how hard it was.

Natalie's orders were to take Jack to the common room. But first she would stop by the visitation room. She'd been told that there was a visitor waiting for Jack. And she was glad for him. Now that Ianto was gone she feared that no one would come to see him. But now someone was there.

She pushed Jack through the doors and saw the young man standing there. It was the same man that had shown up the same day that Jack had run off. She didn't know his name, but she knew that he was one of Jack's friends. He was sitting on one of the chairs. And he looked nervous. He was all dressed in black, and he seemed sad. Natalie smiled at him before leaving him alone with Jack. She herself sat down on a chair outside the room and waited until they were done.

Owen looked at Jack. He was nervous. And he was angry. And sad. There were so many emotions running through him that he didn't know how to react. But when he met the empty stare in Jack's eyes all emotions, except for his sorrow, left him. This was Jack. His friend. Or at least he thought it was Jack.

"Jack?" he whispered.

But he got no reaction from Jack.

"Jack?" he said, louder this time.

Still no reaction.

Owen swallowed hard. He didn't know what to do, where to look. He didn't want to look Jack in the eyes. Not when they were so empty and just stared at him. Instead he stared down at his own knees.

"How are you?" he let out a small laugh. "Stupid question."

Owen looked up and tried to smile. But he quickly looked down again.

"You missed the funeral. It was beautiful. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping. And everyone said such nice things. They said…"his voice broke and he let out a weak sob.

"It was beautiful." He continued, trying to sound untouched. "You should have been there. Since you loved him I mean. And he loved you. Loved you so much…" once more his voice broke. And Owen could feel tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Why did you do it?"

He looked up at Jack, watching for any kind of reaction. But he didn't get any.

"Why Jack? Huh? Why did you have to do it?"

Owen knew his voice raised a pitch, but he didn't care. He got to his feet. He wanted to put his hands on Jack. Wanted to shake a reaction out of him.

"Wasn't it enough that you took him from me once? Why did you have to do it again?"

He was screaming now, and Jack still didn't react. Owen was crying hard, but he ignored it. All of his concentration went to restrain himself from hitting Jack.

"Why, Jack? Why? Answer me, God damn it! Why?"

He was just about to put his hands on Jack's shoulders when he heard a voice from the door.

"I think you should leave now, sir."

Natalie stood in the door with her arms crossed and looked at him with a hard look.

"Fine," he said and cast one last look at Jack. "I was done here anyway."

He walked past Jack and left the room without looking back.

When he'd left the corridor Natalie hurried up to Jack. She sat down on her knees in front of Jack and put her hand on his chin, turning his head towards hers.

"Are you alright, love?"

All the response she got was the empty stare from Jack. She smiled at him and stroked his hair before she got up from the floor and began to wheel Jack to the common room.

If she'd looked a little closer she would have seen the small tear that fell from Jack's cheek.

* * *

Time passed. Jack no longer knew how long. Days turned into weeks, daylight and night time became the same. It all became the same to him. Every day looked the same. Nothing ever changed. Everyone thought that he was unaware of what happened around him. They couldn't be more wrong. He knew exactly what happened around him, he just didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. The days passed. Short as seconds, long as an eternity. Ianto was the one that made every day matter. He was the one that made the sun rise, that made the moon shine, that made the stars twinkle. And with him gone, none of that happened. Jack was stuck in the dark. The sun tried to lighten his mood, but all he could feel was the things he'd lost. The moon tried to shine up his path, but all he could see was the shadows. The stars tried to make his eyes compete with them, but all they got was emptiness. There was nothing in him that they could connect with. His body was there, stuck in a chair behind walls. His mind tried to break free. But he was held in place by the dead weight that once was him. Now it was just a shell. He tried not to think. But think was the only thing he could do. Everything that he thought had mattered: Torchwood, the truth, being proven right. None of that mattered. And far too late had he realised that what really mattered had been right in front of him the whole time. Ianto. All that really mattered was Ianto. And now he was gone. With him gone, all the meaning in Jack's life was gone. He'd been trying to get out of this place just to be with Ianto. Without Ianto there waiting for him, he didn't see the reason to keep fighting. He didn't even want to know if this really was the real world. The pain he felt was real. And that was all that mattered now.

He could hear people talk to him. Asking him if he was okay. He wanted to laugh at them. Scream at them. Of course he wasn't okay. His life was over. And it was his fault. Most of all he wished for the Doctor to come and take him away. Take him as far away from thoughts and feelings as humanly possible. But he knew that that was impossible. He didn't even know if the Doctor actually existed. All he could do was to wander deeper and deeper into himself.

Memories. All he had left was memories. Memories that everyone tried to reshape. But true or not, those were all he had. He tried to live in the ones with Ianto smiling. But the ones that always crept up on him was the last one. He hadn't meant for any of it to happen. He didn't know the gun was loaded. All he wanted to do was to scare Owen. Wanted to show him that his actions weren't okay. Then Ianto decided to play the hero. Throwing himself in front of Owen, pushing him away. And seconds later the bullet had penetrated Ianto's back, piercing his heart as it sped through his body. Jack had seen him falling. Seen the jacket become damp. Seen the red liquid flow. He'd fallen to his knees. The gun had clashed to the pavement with a loud clatter. It echoed through Jack's mind. He'd taken Ianto's body in his arms. It was warm. And empty. Ianto was already gone. It was the shell that Jack clung to. A shell that was his life. He could still feel the blood on his hands. Still taste the tears. And it was his fault. Only his. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get rid of the memory. Couldn't get rid of his feelings. And everyone continued to talk about it. Every word from them was about Ianto. About what had happened. Jack wanted to forget, but no one would let him. He wanted to escape, but everyone kept holding him back.

Outside, it was grey and cold. The oak in front of the window was naked, no leaves were left. Jack didn't know what day, or month, it was. All he knew was that the end of time couldn't come soon enough.

"Little Jackie-boy…"

Jack heard it. The voice came from behind him. He heard it, but he didn't want to care.

"Little Jackie-boy's finally lost it."

There came a chuckle and Jack felt a weight on his lap. His eyes were on the tree outside, his mind further away. But he knew it was John sitting in his lap.

"They broke little Jackie?" John pouted.

When Jack didn't reply, or even react, John gave him a light smack on the chest.

"You're no fun. I don't like broken toys."

John sat in his lap, one leg on each side of Jack. Putting his hands on Jack's shoulders, he tried to find some eye contact. He tried to get a reaction. But Jack kept looking beyond at the tree.

John looked into his face and tilted his head back and forth to the sides. He smiled. And he was sad.

"You miss him." He mused. "You actually miss him."

He spent a few more moments looking at Jack's features.

"Ianto." He whispered.

There was a quick movement in Jack's eyes that made John laugh.

"I knew you were there, Captain."

He let his finger slowly follow Jack's jaw line.

"You want to see him again. And we both know you can."

This time, Jack moved his head. He looked John directly in the eyes. John smiled.

"You know what you have to do. You can see him again. See your little Ianto. Forever and ever."

Yes, Jack wanted to scream. But his voice seemed lost. It had been so long since he used it. All he could give John was a small, almost invisible nod. John's lips twisted in what could be described as a smile, but still it wasn't. He bent down and Jack could feel him putting something in Jack's sock. Then he sat up again, and Jack could've sworn that he saw sorrow in John's eyes.

"Let's see if you got the balls to do it." John mockingly said.

He looked at Jack and leaned forwards so that their foreheads were touching.

"I guess you failed," John said. "You got broken instead."

John swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry," he whispered with such sincerity that it made Jack's heart ache even more.

Then he leaned even closer. Jack could feel his breath against his cheek. And he whispered six small words into Jack's ear. Six words that made Jack's eyes widen.

When John drew back, he had the same smile on his lips that he usually had. He looked Jack in the eyes before he gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. It was a sad kiss. A kiss filled with all of the feelings and memories they both shared.

Then he withdrew, left Jack's lap and strutted away for the last time.

* * *

It was dark. Jack was alone in the room. In his new bedroom. Gone were the soft white walls and floor. He lay in a normal bed. Normal if you took away the leather restraints by his arms and feet. Restraints to keep him in place if he freaked out, if he got aggressive, if he tried to hurt himself. Though they hadn't needed to use them for weeks. At nights he lay just as they placed him. And in the morning it was the same.

Beside the bed was a window with bars. Tonight was the new moon, so it was completely dark outside.

For the first time in weeks, Jack rolled over on to his side. The words John had whispered rang in his ears. They made him uneasy, caused him to stir. But more was the words about seeing Ianto again. He knew what John talked about. He'd thought about it himself so many times. But he never had the means to do it. And suddenly he got curious about what John had put in his sock. He bent down and pulled out a small thing wrapped in toilet paper. So he unwrapped the paper and saw a razorblade glisten in the faint starlight. Jack swallowed hard. They had been talking about the same thing. John knew Jack so well. Knew what Jack wanted, what he needed. And he'd given Jack a challenge. Could he do it? Once more Jack swallowed. He was alone. Not just in the room, but in the world. What did he have to lose? He knew the night nurse wouldn't be back to check on him for a while. He had time. He had a reason. Ianto. Ianto was his reason. There was one last thing he could do for him. And Jack made his decision.

He took his shirt off. Since it was cold outside he always wore a long sleeved shirt. Now it was in the way. He threw it across the room. He was nervous. His heart was beating. He cleared his mind. This was what he wanted. What he'd wanted for so long. He was nervous, but for other reasons. He was afraid that he was right. Afraid that he actually was immortal. Afraid that he would have to spend the rest of his life between these walls. Afraid that he would never get to see Ianto again. Afraid that this was all there was.

He swallowed hard. The razor blade was cool between his fingers. The metal was hard. And he knew that it was real.

Gently he placed the sharp side right over the scar he already had by the crook of his arm. He could still stop. He could still make a different choice. He could still live.

Bright blue eyes flashed before his mind. He didn't want to stop. Didn't want to make a different choice. Didn't want to live. He wanted Ianto.

He gathered strength in his right hand and pressed as deep as he could. The pain flashed through his body and his mind begged him to stop. Instead he pushed harder. Blood was dripping from the wound. It fell down on the mattress and turned the white fabric red.

He smiled through the pain. Slowly he began to draw the metal further south towards his wrist. The blood began to stream from the trail. It was deep. He could feel how it sliced through flesh and muscles. With a little imagination he could feel it scrape across the bone in several places.

Soon he reached the destination. When he got to the wrist he pulled back. He took a few seconds to look at his work.

The blood poured from the long wound. It didn't hurt anymore. All the pain was gone. Instead he felt calm, peace. His arm was all red from the blood. And the stain on the mattress had grown enormously.

He looked down on the hand still holding the razor blade. It was covered in blood. In his blood. A wave of joy washed over him. He'd done it. He smiled.

But it wasn't enough. He had one more arm left. So carefully he let his left hand take the blade. He held it between his fingers. His hand felt weak. But he didn't want to let that stop him. So he repeated the action on his right arm. He placed the razor blade by the crook of his arm and pressed down. He felt that he didn't get the same depth as in the other arm. But he didn't care. This was what he wanted to do. So he drew the blade down towards his hand.

Where the wound on his left arm was straight and steady, the one on his right arm became crocked and uneven.

But despite different depths and crooked slicing, he finally reached his wrist. He pulled back the blade and threw it across the room.

He was beginning to feel weak. Both of his arms were drenched in blood. It had gotten on his chest and pants too, painting him red. He could feel his heart working in order to save him. He smiled.

There was no pain anymore. It was just him in this room. And he was about to leave.

He felt his body become heavy. He was about to fall. So he lay down. His head on the pillow. For a second he thought about letting his arms lay across his chest. But he didn't want to make a bigger mess in the bed than he already had. So instead he let his arms hang over the edge of the bed.

The blood streamed down his hands. Dripping from his fingers. A pool was forming on the floor.

Jack closed his eyes, his eyelids too heavy to hold up. The smile remained on his lips. He felt drowsy. A fuzzy darkness surrounded him. All was peace and quiet. He felt himself slip away.

Far away in the distance he could hear a door open, followed by a woman's scream. There came a static sound before he heard a voice.

"Code red. Code red. Medics to Room 405. Medics to 405. Now."

The static disappeared. Not that Jack cared. He was on his way to another place.

He felt pressure on his arms. They were held up high by small hands. Someone called his name. Tried to keep him there. But Jack walked further away.

In the far distance he heard more voices. And with some imagination he could feel someone lift the shell that was his body and move it. He smiled. They tried to save him. But he had already saved himself.

The darkness grew bigger. Came closer. It was calm. Peace and serenity ran through his body.

A last call from the distance reached him. A call for him. His name. As though it would draw him back again.

Jack smiled. He was on his way. Ianto would be waiting for him. And they would be together forever.

So with a last thought of Ianto, Jack let the darkness take over completely. And there was nothing left but peace and quiet.

* * *

**Reviews?**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclamer: Nope, I still don't own anything remotly resembling Torchwood. It sucks to be me :P**

**AN: Wow. Can you believe it? I've reached the last chapter of this story. And it's all thanks to you out there. Did you honestly think that I would end the story with Jack dying? Well, to be honest I though about it for a moment or two. But my muse hit me and threatened to quit if I did. So I decided to end it properly.**

**Before you start to read I would love to thank all of you who reviews this story. I love you all for sharing your thoughts with me.  
And thank you all who silently stalks me and reads. I hope that I make your day a little brighter.**

**And the hugest thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her amazing beta. And for just being you. Love you hun :)**

**Now, read.  
**

* * *

He left the darkness behind him and became aware of his body once more. But how could he be? Doctor Jane had told him that he was mortal, just a normal human. There was a soft beep somewhere beside him and he could hear muffled voices. He felt pressure on his left hand, like someone was holding it. Maybe he hadn't succeeded.

Slowly he opened his eyes and was met by the blue ones that he loved. Ianto smiled back at him.

"Am I dead?" Jack whispered.

"No," Ianto softly said, stroking his cheek. "You're very much alive."

Jack blinked a few times, not able to understand what was going on. He turned his head to the other side and saw Owen standing there with a scanner in his hand looking serious. Behind Owen he could see Gwen looking shyly at him. By the looks of it she'd been crying. He heard soft footsteps and raised his head a little and saw Tosh running down the stairs with a smile on her lips and some papers in her hand.

Jack let his head fall back down and he closed his eyes once more. Was this real? For weeks he'd been told that this life wasn't real, and now he was here. And Ianto was there with him, alive, holding his hand. Everything was back to normal, but he couldn't decide if it was real or not. He didn't understand. He wanted to cry.

"What happened?" he asked trying to keep his voice steady.

"You were shot," Owen explained. "You didn't die, though. Just went into a coma. It's been three days now."

"Three days?" Jack couldn't believe it. It had been weeks, months - not days.

"Yes," Owen continued. "We brought you back here, thought that you would wake up. But you didn't. So we've been monitoring you, not knowing what to do. We thought about killing you to bring you back, but didn't know if it would work. I was all up for trying, but tea-boy here wasn't. He took all the guns, so we just had to wait."

"Then what?"

"Well, you died about half an hour ago. And we've been waiting. You gave us quite a scare."

Jack opened his eyes again, looking at his team. It all seemed possible, and everything felt real. But how could he know for sure?

"And the alien?" he asked.

This time Tosh answered.

"After it shot you Ianto killed it. It was a Synthorox from the Frozzbarry galaxy. We found an old entry in the files dating back to the early eighteen hundreds when they came through the rift the first time. Apparently they're pacifists. Doesn't believe in weapons."

"I got shot. By a weapon."

"I know. I did some scans on it and found out what kind of gun it was."

"And…?"

"It's a psychic gun. As they don't believe in weapons and killing they've made their own defence gun. It kind of traps you inside you own mind, making you live through your worst nightmare."

"So it was all in my head?"

"Yes. If we'd been on their home planet they could have saved you. 'Cause they have another gun that takes you out of your mind. You see, living your worst nightmare makes people kill themselves in the end."

"Really?" Jack said, his voice dripping of sarcasm. "I didn't know that."

"So we just had to wait…" Tosh finished with a small voice.

"Ianto never left your side," Owen said and looked down at Jack.

Jack turned to Ianto and gave him a quick smile before he turned back to Owen.

"Am I okay now?"

"I think so," Owen slowly nodded as he looked at his scanner.

Jack blinked a few times before he sat up. The world spun around him for a few seconds and his body ached. It all felt real, and he was almost convinced that it was. But Jane's words still rang through him. He couldn't shake them off. And mixed with them were the last words John had whispered to him. The words that made him take the last step. _This is all in your head_. Six small words that were nothing more than a whisper to him. And apparently John had been right.

Carefully Jack set his feet down on the ground and slowly got up. He took a few steps and headed for the stairs before turning around to his team.

"I guess I have some paperwork to do since I've been out for days. I'll be in my office. Get back to work."

They all looked at him with different levels of confusion.

As Jack made his way up to his office he could hear them all talking behind him, all trying to figure out what was going on. And they were not the only ones. Jack himself was unsure of what was going on. He was back in the Hub, back in his office, back with his team. He was once again Captain Jack Harkness, the man who can't die. But the things he'd been through in his head all felt so real. All the memories that they had tried to change. Trying to make him into someone else.

He sat down in his chair and closed his eyes again, rubbing his temples. Tosh had said that he'd been trapped inside his worst nightmare. And he had to agree. All alone, being lost, everyone thinking he was crazy, being told that everything he thought was reality wasn't true, being taken advantage off, losing his friends, losing Ianto. Everything that he was most afraid of. And he'd lived through it all. He knew that this was his real life, and that all of this was real. He just had a hard time believing that he finally figured everything out. That was what felt most unreal.

He was interrupted in his thoughts by a careful knock on the door. He looked up and saw Ianto standing there with coffee in his hands.

"I thought you needed some coffee, sir," he said with a concerned smile.

"I think I do," Jack answered and looked away.

He could hear Ianto stepping up to the desk and he heard the cup connect with the wood. But he couldn't make himself look up. He couldn't even put a smile on his lips. All his emotions ran through him, and he couldn't make sense out of them. Ianto's soft gaze burned through him. He knew that Ianto wanted some kind of reaction from him. He wanted something. And Jack wasn't sure that he could give it to him.

"How are you, Jack?" the words were soft and caring.

Jack wanted to be touched by the sweetness and softness in those words. But they made him feel like a monster. All he could think of was those last moments he'd spent with Ianto in that other world. Those moments of death.

"I'm fine," Jack whispered. That was the biggest lie he'd told yet. He was far from fine. And he knew it. Ianto also knew it.

"Jack. You're not fine. I know it."

"I said: I'm fine."

"Jack…"

Jack felt tears gathering in his eyes. He didn't want to cry. Not now. Instead he got angry.

"You can talk to me, Jack."

Jack looked up with fury in his eyes.

"I said I'm fine!" he almost screamed.

The look on Ianto's face was impossible to read. But Jack saw the hurt flash through his eyes.

"If you say so, sir."

Ianto turned his back on Jack and left the room.

Jack looked after him. He wanted to call him back. He didn't want Ianto to leave. Not to walk out on him. Not again.

"Oh, what drama."

Jack heard the words from the door and looked up. Owen stood there with a crooked smile on his lips. And Jack felt like punching him.

"Not now, Owen." Jack said and left the chair. He made his way through the door trying to follow Ianto, but Owen took hold of his arm.

"You need to be examined, Jack."

"I thought you said I was fine," Jack spat back and gave Owen an annoyed look.

"I said you looked okay. But I need to be sure. There may be some effects that I haven't accounted for."

"Not now. I'm fine." And with that he broke free and hurried down the stairs. Owen was close after him.

"Jack…" he began, but was soon interrupted.

"Go home, Owen. Leave. I'm fine. Take the girls with you."

"Jack…"

"For once in your life _listen to me_. Go home."

"Fine," Owen hissed. "But if anything happens, and I mean anything, call me right away."

"Yeah yeah."

Jack continued down the stairs. He wanted to find Ianto. Wanted to take him in his arms and never let go. He hadn't see where Ianto went, but he knew Ianto. Knew that whenever he got upset he hid down in the Archives. So without hesitation, Jack went straight there.

* * *

When Jack got down to the lower levels he stopped in the doorway. Ianto was sitting by his desk, head buried in his hands. His whole appearance told Jack that he was sad, on the verge of tears. And suddenly Jack didn't know what to do. He didn't know if he should just leave and let things be, or if he should go inside and make everything okay.

"I'm sorry," he said without even realising that he'd opened his mouth.

Ianto lifted his head a little.

"I'm so sorry, Ianto. You're right. I'm not fine."

Ianto looked up at him and their eyes met. And the last defence that Jack had against his emotions broke. He couldn't stop himself anymore.

"It was horrible. So real. They said I was crazy. You thought I was crazy. Everyone did. And I was locked away behind walls. And they tried to cure me. And they - they…oh God, the things they did."

Memories of Adam flashed before him and every feeling slammed into his body threatening to tear him apart. He began to cry.

"All that kept me sane was the thoughts of seeing you again. And you left. I had to do something. I had to. But I didn't mean it. I swear I didn't. It's just…I…I…I don't want to lose you, Ianto…and it was all my fault."

Without realising it he'd sunken down to his knees. Ianto had made his way over to him. But Jack didn't see it. All he could see was all that he'd been through. Everything flashed through his mind.

"What did you do?" The request was unsure, like Ianto didn't know if he really wanted to hear it or not.

"I didn't mean to, I swear. I shot you. I killed you. It was my fault. I didn't know the gun was loaded. And I didn't mean for you to get in the way. I swear. I would never…"

Jack felt strong arms around him.

"I know you didn't, cariad. I know you would never do that."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't real, Jack."

"But it felt so real."

Jack buried his head in Ianto's shirt. The streaming tears quickly dampened it. But Ianto didn't seem to care. Instead he stroked Jack's hair and whispered soothing words to him.

"It wasn't real, cariad. I'm here."

Jack didn't seem to notice. So Ianto took Jack's head in his hands and made him look up.

"Look at me. I'm here. This is real."

Jack looked at him through tear filled eyes.

"Are you sure?" he had to ask. He still wasn't sure if this was real or not.

"Yes." Ianto whispered.

Then he leaned in closer to Jack and brushed his lips against his. Immediately Jack calmed down. He didn't have time to respond before Ianto's lips were gone again.

"Did you feel that?" Ianto asked.

Jack slowly nodded.

"Was it real?"

This time Jack hesitated a fraction of a second before he nodded again. He still wasn't sure, but it felt real. More real than anything had for some time.

Ianto smiled at him before leaning in for another soft kiss. This time Jack was ready. As Ianto's lips brushed against his, he placed his hand in Ianto's hair and gently held him there. He didn't want to lose the feeling of holding Ianto so close. Not again.

The action didn't surprise Ianto. But the feeling did. Always when they kissed, Jack put his hands in Ianto's hair. But there was always some light pressure. A feeling of possession, want, need and love always streamed from Jack's hands throughout Ianto's body. But not this time. If Ianto didn't know better he would say that Jack was nervous, scared almost. There were so many feelings that Jack transferred to Ianto, but fear was the greatest one. Ianto's heart hurt. What had Jack been through that made him act like this? He knew that it was up to him to get Jack calm and safe again.

Gently Ianto leaned in closer to Jack, closing the space between their bodies. He let his tongue sweep across Jack's lips. There was a moment of hesitation before Jack finally got where he was going and parted his lips. Slowly, Ianto let his tongue pass Jack's teeth and soon he was devouring Jack's entire mouth, exploring it with slow motions.

Jack couldn't help but moan. To feel Ianto so close was almost more than he could take. And to taste him again…it was like heaven. He'd missed it so much. Missed everything about Ianto. He let his free hand slowly feel its way down Ianto's back. Feel the warmth that beamed from his body. He felt Ianto's strong hand on his own back and in his hair. It seemed as if Ianto had missed him too.

Suddenly Ianto pulled away. Jack opened his eyes. He knew that Ianto could see the fear in his eyes. The fear that this was just another dream.

And Ianto saw the fear. He smiled and kissed Jack gently on the nose.

"Not here. Not like this," he whispered.

He took Jack's hand and pulled him up.

Jack looked at him and didn't know what to believe. He didn't know what Ianto had in mind. Then Ianto let his free hand gently caress Jack's cheek and Jack leaned into the touch.

"I'm not leaving, cariad," Ianto softly said. "Follow me."

And he left the Archives with Jack's hand in his. Jack still didn't know where they were headed, but as long as he could feel Ianto he didn't mind.

They entered the main Hub and Ianto looked around, trying to find the others.

"I sent them home," Jack said.

Ianto just smiled and squeezed his hand in appreciation. He then made his way up towards Jack's office, and finally Jack knew where they were going.

* * *

Jack was first down the ladder to his bedroom. While Ianto made his way down Jack looked around. It looked just like he remembered it. The only difference was that it felt so small. He felt trapped. If he held out both of his arms he could almost touch both walls at the same time. He swallowed hard. Feelings of restraint washed over him. But then he'd been in a big room and hadn't been able to move. Now it was the opposite. A small room with ability to move. This was his room. The one room he'd lived in for so many years. And never had it felt more threatening than now. His skin was itching. He needed to get out of here. But Ianto blocked the ladder. Blocked the only way out. His breaths became fast, and shallow. He tried to focus. Tried to think that this was real. He was not trapped. He was not in restraints. He was free to do anything. But it didn't help. Numbness spread throughout his body. His hands were shaking.

"Jack?"

He heard Ianto's voice. But could he be sure that it really was Ianto, and not just his mind making it up? He had to get out, but he couldn't move.

"Jack! Calm down."

Jack wanted to calm down. But he couldn't. Black dots intruded on his vision.

"Jack. Cariad. Look at me."

Jack could feel Ianto's hands on his face. With some struggle he soon found Ianto's eyes with his own. The concern in Ianto's looks was clear. Jack tried to calm down.

"Listen to my voice, Jack. You have to calm down. Breathe. Slowly."

Jack heard the words, and he did his best to obey. He concentrated on his breath. He took deeper breaths. Filling his lungs with air, he could feel calm spreading throughout his body.

"There you go. You don't have to panic, Jack. This is real. I promise you. You are safe. I'll protect you."

The dots that danced through Jack's vision faded away. Calmness overpowered him, and he could breathe normally. Gone were the feelings of restraints. Gone were threatening atmosphere in the room. It was only him and Ianto now.

Jack blinked a few time before smiling at Ianto. Ianto smiled back and let go of his face. Instead he moved in closer and held Jack close. For a moment Jack just let himself be held. Still trying to fit every piece of his mind back together it felt good to be held. It felt safe. Soon he leaned his head closer to Ianto and buried his face in the crook of Ianto's neck. The scent of Ianto filled his mind and he couldn't stop a few tears from falling. This was home. This was what he'd been looking for. And now he'd found it. Ianto stroked his hair and whispered nonsense in Jack's ear, and he felt like he was in heaven.

Slowly, almost unnoticeably, Ianto moved closer to the bed. As his legs connected with the wood Ianto let go of Jack for a few seconds, just in order to sit down. Jack didn't want to be alone so he sat down next to Ianto. They sat close. The heat from their bodies mixing together. And Jack suddenly realised that he was nervous. He was never nervous around Ianto. Never. But somehow this felt new. He knew that Ianto could sense all of his running thoughts, because he felt a soft hand on his thigh. Jack looked up and flashed an insecure smile towards Ianto. And the smile he got in return made its way straight to his heart. It was filled with so much emotions and so much security. Jack knew that he was safe.

Ianto leaned in and kissed him. Jack didn't hesitate. He parted his lips almost immediately to grant Ianto access. The kiss was filled with all the things they'd never told each other. All the feelings they'd never showed. All the things they'd almost lost.

Without breaking the kiss, Jack let himself be guided down on the bed. Soon he could feel the pillow underneath his head, and Ianto's arm behind his neck. He let his own hands find their way to Ianto's back, pulling him close. Never wanting to let go.

Soon they were both naked. Their clothes lay thrown across the small room. And their lips had never parted.

Jack was still unsure of how to react, of what to do. His hands lay on Ianto's back, holding him close. And Ianto's hands roamed Jack's body, sending sparks throughout him.

Then Ianto broke the kiss. He pulled back and Jack moaned at the loss of Ianto's lips and taste. And he moaned in fear, thinking that something was wrong. But Ianto just gave him a calming smile and kissed his forehead. Ianto bent down towards Jack's legs, and he looked like he was looking for something. He gave away a small triumphant cheer as he found what he was looking for. Jack didn't look down, but suddenly he felt Ianto pull up the covers. Then he lay down close to Jack. He placed an arm under Jack's neck again and Jack snuggled closer. He lay his head on Ianto's chest. The feeling of Ianto's heart beating against his ear sent shivers down his body. This was real. It was Ianto laying there beside him. A living, breathing Ianto. Jack closed his eyes. This was what it felt like to be normal. He wondered if this was what his life had been like in that other world before he got ill. According to what he'd read this was what he's life had been like. The feeling of Ianto's breath against the top of his head. The sound of Ianto's beating heart. The warmth from Ianto's body.

Jack snuggled even closer. He wanted to feel as much of Ianto as he possibly could. Ianto was the stability he needed in life. And as he lay there with Ianto's strong arms around him, Jack felt like he'd been given a second chance. He'd been showed a life where he was Jack. Not Captain. Not head of Torchwood. Just Jack. And within his heart he knew that he could do it. If Ianto was with him, then he could be just Jack.

He lifted his head and looked up at Ianto. The other man had noticed the movement and was looking back down at him. Their eyes met, and Ianto smiled. He smiled that smile that Jack had seen not too long ago on a picture. It was the same emotions. The same love. And right then and there, he made a promise to himself that one day soon he would take Ianto with him to Paris.

* * *

_The end_

* * *

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